How to become more accepting?

[Buster51]

Which to most I'm sure seems like an obvious thing? You just accept your child/ren as they are warts n all.

My bond with DS is growing, it really is, & I do love him. But I can't say I fully wholeheartedly "accept" him. I feel absolutely awful saying that too.

I think that it what is causing the "issues" here - as a lot of you have kindly stated over the last few months. I know exactly what I need to do, & that is be there for him like I am, but not react to him, it only adds to his needs to control - this will only affect our attachment process.

Maybe it's just me as a person? I don't greatly accept myself all of the time & I'm always looking for ways to improve things, I have started to focus on myself a lot more & this is helping.

I really hope I'm not going to get shot down here, but day to day how do you learn to get through life in a more accepting way!?

I hope this makes sense??

[crazeekitty]

Hi buster. I picked up on the theme of acceptance in your other thread.

I have found it hard to accept dd's personality and habits but eventually I just got so worn out I gave up trying. That's not positive advice though.

I do try and differentiate between acceptance and reparenting though. Some of the habits and social skills do need reparenting (social worker terminology not mine) if she's ever to be able to integrate with friends and family and maintain positive relationships

Other things need accepting. WHY oh WHY does she do x y or z? I have no clue. Does it drive me mad? Yes. Can I accept it? If I count to 10 and remind myself to be accepting then yes I can.

Are there different behaviours etc that could fit into the two categories for your son?

If you think this is a load of old drivel then feel free to ignore. I'm really pretty crap at carrying it all out but the theory makes sense

[Middlesexmummy]

Hi Buster,
I have read your other threads as well ... Do you know what , subconsciously I didn't really believe /accept that dd was really mine till after the ao came through . I didn't really allow myself to accept her till then .. Hang in there it's only been a short while hasn't it so it will come
Best
Mm

[lovelylife]

Hi. We adopted brothers aged 1&2 yrs last May and have found it hard too. My husband is away all week in the forces and I live away from my family support. I was also diagnosed with PAD and had treatment through my GP. As I was struggling I have linked in with the child psychology post adoption support and it has changed my life! They have each been diagnosed with attachment 'difficulties' (no suprise there!) of different types. I now understand better how their complex little mind works My youngest (only 9 months between them) avoided contact with me too. He wld kiss and cuddle people but not me which made me feel obviously very rejected and that I wasn't getting it right. Well, I wasn't in many ways. I get now that I am the biggest risk for him (as main carer) to let his defences and allow himself to trust and love me. I have been on a number of study days and am currently in a group of 10 adopters meeting weekly with child psychologists..... you wld not believe how common this is! We use Dan Hughes learning with ' 'PACE' Within weeks my youngest cuddles and kisses me, laughs so much more and loves life. I am only now feeling that fluttery love for him....he's so gorgeous and I am so grateful to have learnt how to change my parenting with him. It's not always instinctive parenting but it works!! Try not to give yourself a hard time and maybe look at something like this for you, it certainly works for me with a more relaxed happy family life.
Ps sorry post is sooo long but have also lots more I cld say!

[LastingLight]

Buster sorry I can't remember, do you have other dc's? I've been DD's mom legally for almost 8 years now and effectively for 18 months before then. I can be very hard on myself and maybe because of that I can be very hard on dd too. After all these years there are still things she does that frustrates me terribly. It also took me a very long time to accept that I was really mom to this little girl, maybe because the adoption was contested and we had to go through a traumatic court case. I wonder if your problem is partly adoption related and partly not. Even with bio kids there are times when you love them but you don't like them. A child whose personality is very different from your own is difficult to parent. Then you add the issues of an adopted child to the mix and it's going to be very hard to cope with. We don't always accept our children warts and all, sometimes we try very hard to change certain aspects of who they are. I often have to remind myself that dd has the right to behave in a certain way, even though it may annoy me, as there is nothing intrinsically wrong in what she is doing. I also have to remind myself that some things I have to accept, even when I know it will cause problems for her, because it is not in my power to change them. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to influence her to become a happier, well rounded person (that is after all my job as a parent) but it means that I don't feel I'm a failure if I don't 100% succeed.

Sorry I waffled on, hopefully something in there will make sense to you.

[Italiangreyhound]

Is it the behaviour you can't accept or the child?

My dd is pretty challenging and at times I don't want to accept her behaviour, recently she did something so hurtful and annoying I felt really cross and did not want to forgive her (temporarily for it).

She got so upset and asked me to forgive her and I realised I had to, it's my job, I may not like all she does and I may feel angry when she is naughty but actually loving and accepting her as she is is part of the role.

It does not always come easy!

She is my birth child and is 9. I KNOW birth children are different, but sometimes it comes down to putting aside what they do that is annoying and that you find hard to accept and just loving the real them that is sometimes trapped inside that 'naughty' challenging behaviour. And letting them know your love is big enough to cope with the hurt and frustration.

It is a choice, a kind of love that is an action. I know it is much harder for a child you have not known for a long time, but I think as it develops it will grow and become more and more a part of who you are and who they are and who you are together.

It's early days, he is developing all the time and learning new stuff, I really wish you all the very best.

Please ignore me if what I am saying is unhelpful!

[Buster51]

Thank you all for your replies, they are all really helpful.

It is the behaviours, I drive myself crazy worrying about them/analysing them/certain it's because of this that & the other he acts in certain ways! So I MUST drive him mad as hell pick up on it. He isn't a "badly behaved" boy as you all may have picked up from my other threads.

I am very slowly starting to, a bit like you say crazee take a step back & think 'can I accept this' & it has helped, I am letting a lot more go over my head. I suppose it is still very early days and a huge life style change, we have come along so far already. I must just let my mind rest & not overthink everything!

I read the book by Daniel Hughes I believe on PACE, so I understand the principles of it, perhaps I need to revisit this again. Thanks again :)