Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Relates everything to a material item

(13 Posts)
Buster51 Fri 14-Mar-14 07:17:10

Morning all,

Quite a random post, nothing I'm concerned about its just something I've noticed the last few days.

DS & I have has quite a few little chats recently about BM/FM etc. he hasn't spoke about FC in some time, so when he did I used it as an opportunity to see if all was ok. He stated that he had been thinking about her but they were "secrets"

I just explained along the lines of "if you have soooo many secrets do you know what may happen? DS glued for an answer. "You may pop" then I acted with him as if I was putting coins in him like a jar as if they were his secrets, then drew this on a picture his tummy getting more & more full of secrets!

I then added to this saying do you know what really helps you to not get "too full"? & drew me next to him, him handing me the coin "secret" & me putting it safe in my heart.

I have no idea where this came from but he has opened up to me a lot more since :-)

Anyway back to my original post! Each time we chat & he opens up he refers back to some sort of material item, albeit, belts, lamps, toys & more toys. He even said that Santa had left toys at tummy mummy's too, but he wouldn't get those presents. Other times he might say I don't have this, that or the other now. He has everything he came with, he is very attached to his "stuff", but he seems to just always wish it was more / feels hard done by some how.

Now me reading between the lines I'm coming up with its not those items it's what they represent he misses, so he could be saying he doesn't understand why he can't live there / & here perhaps?? He's quite the little hoarder.

Anyway like I said I'm not overly concerned, using tools like "the feelings book" who someone kindly recommended he is ever so very slightly opening up more about his emotions.

Rooners Fri 14-Mar-14 07:29:24

No advice apart from a bit of armchair psychology - just to say that it seems appropriate to me that a child would not want to be separated from his 'things' if he had already lost the biggest thing in his life, ie his mum? (not that you aren't - sorry, not sure what the correct terms are)

Is he having some therapy? Play or music or art therapy can be great for little ones. You sound great too x

Buster51 Fri 14-Mar-14 07:40:27

He isn't at the moment no as SW don't think he needs any. And time will bring on his security.

Oh yes of course I realise that which is why we ensure he knows he has all of the things he came with. Sometimes he says he wishes he had "two" of the things he has got. Perhaps I didn't explain fully! I.e I wish I had this lamp, but also wish I had one at FC (as he didn't have one there).

Stating he wanted two. Perhaps it's just general 4 year old chat! I was just wondering if he was trying to say he wishes he could have both of us or something.

Buster51 Fri 14-Mar-14 07:45:03

It is always FC, never BM. Perhaps he just wishes he had more stuff as children do!

crazeekitty Fri 14-Mar-14 08:35:02

Dd does this too. I met with birth father who told me he gave her everything she wanted. Material items to her represent love. Disney DVDs and such are pretty much the only thing she was given by him.

Buster51 Fri 14-Mar-14 08:44:14

Interesting crazee, DS is the opposit in that he never really had a lot, not that he was probably aware he didn't??? Could have something to do with it though. He certainly has more than enough toys though. I just sense he feels hard done by or something. He doesn't really even play with most of his toys either.

TeenAndTween Fri 14-Mar-14 10:18:28

It's this kind of stuff that's difficult isn't it?
You never know whether something is just chatter or as more significance ....

MyFeetAreCold Fri 14-Mar-14 14:22:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prumarth Fri 14-Mar-14 15:50:19

What a lovely analogy about the secrets and sharing them. I've added it to my list of techniques for future use. Really moving.

crazeekitty Fri 14-Mar-14 18:22:47

Dd doesn't play with most of her toys either. I think it's because she's not used to being an only child yet so likes to have a playmate.

But then I just think they are children of a material world, bombarded by advertising and materialism and I figure they're a product of that as most children are.

The children I teach who aren't like that come from quite Bohemian families who haven't even owned a telly.

I think we are fighting a losing battle.

KristinaM Sun 16-Mar-14 23:34:32

So he likes his lamp but he wishes that he'd had one in foster care? Or he wants to have his lamp but he wishes that there was one now at the FCers?

I wonder if he's saying that he likes it at your house but he liked it there too? That he wishes he could be back there but doesn't want to leave you? So he wishes there were two of him?

I'm just guessing here. If so , you can reassure him that it's ok to have mixed up feelings. That he can be happy that he loves with you AND sad about leaving FC. That's ok

Remember this is about his feelings not yours.dont tell him he should not feel like that because you love him etc

Or maybe he's feeling sad about all the things he didn't have in his life in the past. Not just material possessions. And he didn't know how much he was missing out on until he lived at yours.

And again,that's ok.

You need to be big and strong enought to contain his painful feelings without feeling the need to fix them. Then he will feel safe and open up to you more.

Italiangreyhound Sun 16-Mar-14 23:40:49

*buster can you say more about 'the feelings book', please?

Kristina that makes a lot of sense, it might be true in this case or might apply to other situations. I am going to be listening out for this type of thing!

Buster51 Mon 17-Mar-14 08:20:25

Thank you Kristina, yes possibly any of those things. I definitely need to start just being more accepting of myself that will then lead onto full acceptance of him.

It's strange how brining a lo into your life can open up so many doors to how you were parented yourself.

The book is feelings by Todd parr, a mum on this site recommended it, lo seems to like it smile

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: