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Adopted child joining birth children - help?

(14 Posts)
sassymay Sat 01-Feb-14 12:10:02

Any tips for when adopted child joining a family that has birth children -- what to do? I'm hoping it will become a reality, but for now it's a piece of paperwork I have to do (one of many during the last year or so). Have said things like preparing both sides with photo/video etc. Just wondering if I've missed something glaring in meeting everyone's needs?

floatyjosmum Sat 01-Feb-14 13:27:03

There are books that you can use with birth children to explain what is happening and why

Italiangreyhound Sat 01-Feb-14 15:42:14

Lots of talking to birth child/rende first, asking what they think, feel, are they worried about anything. Just asked my birth dd and said tell they things you need to tell. Helpful to be open, open environment fir questions and feelings. This is my personal opinion, don't squash any fears or concerns.

roadwalker Sat 01-Feb-14 17:49:01

Everything depends on the ages of the children involved
In preparation I would spend some time talking about less time but still just as much love for BC
I would discuss possessions, what is precious and where it should be kept, what is ok to be shared and kept downstairs
Boundaries- stay out of each others bedrooms
When placed a detailed schedule is good in the early days, include fun family time, time for each child to spend on their own with each parent
BC can also have extra 'special' time when AC goes to bed ( I am assuming that typically AC will be younger)
The schedule should help them cope and reduce stress, knowing what to expect
This is off the top of my head, I will post further if I think of anything

We did buy BS a considerable present (a PSP) to take to introductions. We stayed away so it was good for him to have something for all the meetings we had to attend

Sadoldbag Sat 01-Feb-14 20:37:22

I let ds shoot the video for for my little one ds really enjoyed this and made him feel part of it

lilypink1977 Sat 01-Feb-14 21:50:18

We've just adopted having already had bc. I would say be as open as you can be without the adoption being too "full on" I.e dominating every conversation. Everything we said to bc was need to know basis and as we were laid back about everything they are too and it's really helped everyone settle into our new family. Regarding matching we didn't tell our Bc until we were sure we were going to panel for "the one" & certainly didn't discuss any prospective children with bc.
To our family this is a completely "normal" thing to do and it's lovely to already see such a strong bond between them.
Do feel free to ask further questions. Sorry am rushing with replying! Good luck x

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 01-Feb-14 23:04:34

What age(s)?

I agree with others about involving birth children, but not in the matching process.

Choccyjules Sun 02-Feb-14 16:08:30

The dilemma we have had is how early to start talking to DD (5) as panel is in April and then who knows the timeline after that. So we haven't said anything yet but have been buying books ready to share with her.

We have left it as long as we can because time is different for littlies, however the SW wants to meet her at halfterm so we now have to tell her whether we want to yet or not. I think it's still early but can see why we have to, as she needs to be involved in the assessment.

namechangesforthehardstuff Sun 02-Feb-14 19:34:51

Hi choccy, just fwiw our sw talked a very good talk about what she was going to say to dd about a new sibling joining the family, how she liked smaller children etc and when she finally met her just spent a hour being talked at nineteen to the dozen and losing at board games grin I don't think she asked her one question.

I don't think it's up to your sw when you tell your dd, we have decided not to till we're actually through panel and know it's going to happen and they should respect that IMO.

Choccyjules Sun 02-Feb-14 20:10:26

That's interesting, thanks, maybe I can find out exactly what she's going to talk to DD about. She wants to meet her in halfterm then come a different time to see us 'interacting as a family'....

I wonder whether she could therefore still leave it up to us to tell her later? I get the impression she'll be talking about 'stuff'so we need to have smoothed the way beforehand.

namechangesforthehardstuff Sun 02-Feb-14 22:45:44

Well like I say we ours listened to us and we talked a lot about how she could probe the idea of siblings without giving dd the impression we were having one delivered that afternoon. And while she was here I did loads of set-ups for her like 'ah yes lots of your friends have brothers and sisters don't they dd? ' but she didn't follow through once, just talked to dd about toys and let her chatter away like a good 'un. I sort of wondered if she was a bit nervous actually. Not that dd is particularly feral or anything grin And then I wondered if maybe she could just tell - that dd's a lovely girl, that we have a great relationship etc?

I guess I'll find out when I see our PAR smile

ponsettia Mon 03-Feb-14 15:37:18

Hi, I am at stage 1 of the adoption application process. I will be adopting as a single mother with 1 birth daughter aged 9.
I have been considering contacting the family liaison officer, through my daughters school, to help me deal with a behavior issue with my daughter. This is off my own back, it isn't a school referral. She has no 'issues' at school. Although I see this as a positive move, I am concerned that adoption authorities may judge this as negative. The head teacher and others think it's also a positive thing to do and will only prove that I am doing the right thing as a mother by seeking help for my child, however I have no facts. Whilst I want to do right for my child I also don't want to do anything to jeopardize the adoption. Does anyone have any knowlege or experience that may help me decide what to do? Thank you

Italiangreyhound Mon 03-Feb-14 18:42:44

ponsettia this is a difficult one.

I don't know the problem and so I can only assume it is bad/difficult behaviour (correct me if I am wrong). If the behaviour is a problem, you really need to get it sorted and get your dd the help she needs.

If you are asking if you should tell the social worker, that is a tough one.

In some ways it is easier to tell once you have got the help and it is worker. At the very start it is harder to see the wood for the trees!

If you tell too much it may look like the problem is bigger than it really is.

If you do not mention it at all it could look like you are hiding something.

Even if the behaviour is unrelated to the adoption or unrelated to school it could cause problems when your new child arrives.

My dd is 9 now and between age 5 and 7 sent went through a very difficult stage. We ad contemplated adopting when she was 5 but did not, for unrelated reasons, and I am now glad we waited. My dd has dyslexia and I think this contributes to her bad behaviour at home but she is well behaved at school. The behaviour lasted about 2 or 3 years.

My dd can still can be difficult! However, I feel I can cope and handle her behaviour and a new child and their behaviour. I had support from the schools link worker and I also attended an excellent parenting course called The Family Links Nurturing course.

https://www.familylinks.org.uk/

I would say you do need to be honest but you also need to be balanced. Speaking to a social worker right after an incidence of 'bad behaviour' from your dd may make it sound like you can't cope, where as a cup of tea and a bit of space later and you and your dd may be calmer!

I hope you get through this difficult time and work out what is best. Good luck.

sassymay Sat 08-Feb-14 20:18:08

Thanks! Our BCs have spent time with assessing social worker so all know there's a possibility of adopted sibling. I think getting them involved in preparation sounds good (like making a video). We have two teenagers and one 5 year old so different approaches needed. Just useful to hear other people's thoughts and approaches. Panel in April so we shall see smile. Will require organisational skills, patience and empathy that's for sure.

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