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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Support thread thread for those feeling a bit overwhelmed by the plethora of threads atm

(136 Posts)
Kewcumber Thu 16-Jan-14 09:52:06

Thats it really - do you feel a bit under siege?! I do.

I feel cross that I seem to be constantly defending a system that I think is far from perfect but that on the whole those attacking have no idea of the ramifications of some of what they are suggesting.

I feel sad that once more adoptive parents seem to be considered the people who aren't quite behaving perfectly enough when the reality is that our children are where they are because their birth parents weren't quite perfect enough.

On one thread, it was suggested that if adoptive parents couldn't deal with sharing their child with birth parents that perhaps they weren;t up to the job and that if a child had been with adoptive parents for 10 years that maybe be child should still be returned to the birth parents if it were discovered there had been a mistake.

I cannot say again and again and again that I think even 1 mistake is a tragedy and that we must make every effort to avoid this. And yet every new starts again with the assumption that adoptive parents are "against" any birth parents. They seem to think that we have no empathy or understanding of the horror birth parents feel at having a child removed - like we're not really parents and we wouldn't feel the same horror at having our children removed. My blood runs cold at the thought of it.

I have also in the last year had a bit of a wake up call about how convincing people you know can be when they swear blind that they didn't do something, that their child has mental health problems and made up stories. When it was all proven to be true, I can;t tell you how much it shook me - even nice "normal" people do dreadful things to their children and it amazes me that social workers see this all the time and still manage (on the whole) to give parents a fair hearing.

I'd love to be able to have a sensible conversation about how many times parents fight and continue to fight for their children and the children are still subsequently adopted - I think that would help me quantify in my own mind how fair this figure of "thousands" thats been bandied around is, because I'm fed up of not being able to refute it for lack of evidence that that doesn;t seem to stop anyone else.

It's wearing and I'm getting sick of it and I've got work to do.

Here endeth the first rant.

CloserThanYesterday Sun 09-Feb-14 19:43:17

22honey You seem to be subscribing to the hard done by image of birth parents currently being peddled by the daily mail etc ...

Your experiences sound awful, and I'm sorry for you, but you must realise that some situations will mean that adopters need an understanding place to discuss the awful things their children are dealing with. I've never seen any posts which sound bitter or jealous ... but even if they did, maybe they just needed a heat of the moment rant as we all do sometimes. Who are you to judge without knowing any background?

I am just starting the adoption process, and adopters on this forum are giving me an unbiased, supportive view of the adoption process and beyond. Thank you all!

CheeryGiraffe Sun 09-Feb-14 20:00:35

Since this is now the place to "just add my opinion", I'll join in....

I agree entirely with holycowwhatnow. I am very, very angry, and incredibly offended by what you have written, 22honey. You knew fine well that you were being offensive, otherwise why the "I hope I haven't offended anyone"? Sticking that on the end does not give you the right to spout your rude, judgemental and ill-informed nonsense at people.

Whilst I agree with others that your background and experience is sad, it does not give you the right or the knowledge to comment on and judge adoptive parents. Being adopted by your biological mother's partner, is nothing like adoption in the normal sense of the term. Nor does spending 3 weeks in foster care as a teenager, sad as it may be.

The reasons why people adopt are irrelevant - who are you to judge who should and shouldn't be allowed to adopt? All adopters have to go through a stringent and comprehensive assessment process, and there is almost no chance that by the end of that people have any illusions about what they are taking on.

As has been pointed out by other (far more knowledgeable and experienced than myself) people in response to your posts, adoptive parents have every right to talk about the birth parents of the children they have adopted. They do not know nothing about the birth parents circumstances which led to their children being removed. Just because they don't spout their personal information all over the internet doesn't mean they don't know. Adoptive parents deal with the consequences of decisions and actions of birth parents on a daily basis. They see the devastating effect on their children. They have every right to be angry, upset and generally pissed off. It doesn't mean they don't empathise with birth parents, but their priority is for their children - as it should be.

The very fact that there are birth parents on this forum is evidence of the fact that whilst there are a lot of emotions involved in adoption, ultimately we are all rooting for the children.

I have never seen an adoption forum where adoptive parents have been cruel, bitter or jealous. Perhaps you could point us all in the direction of these forums so we can see what these mythical adopters have been saying to give the rest of us a bad reputation?

I sincerely hope I haven't offended you.... [rolls eyes]

CheeryGiraffe Sun 09-Feb-14 20:07:16

Forgot to add - 22honey you said - "I have to admit feeling rather angry at the way BM's are spoke about on here and on other forums on a regular basis" so your follow up comment of, "I am not referring to this one by the way" doesn't make any sense.

Which is it? Either adoptive parents on this forum are bitter, jealous, cruel and what ever other adjectives you used, or they're all on other forums?

crazeekitty Sun 09-Feb-14 20:35:07

22honey... Our only way to have children is to adopt?

There's a sweeping generalisation. I chose to adopt as my first choice. Hear that? First choice.

I can't be arsed to answer your comments about our opinions of birth parents.

Angelwings11 Sun 09-Feb-14 20:48:11

Some other posts have been so eloquent. I am soooooo fed up of non adopters (family included) thinking they 'know' what it is like to parent our children. Like I have said previously, you need to 'walk a mile in our shoes' before passing comment and another saying comes to mind 'if you cannot say anything nice....say nothing at all'.

holycowwhatnow Sun 09-Feb-14 21:08:53

And to add to Angelwings, if you want to apologise do it unreservedly. Don't continue to antagonise people who know a lot more than you do. I fail to understand why you felt the need to chime in on this thread. No comment has ever riled me the way yours has.

Kewcumber Sun 09-Feb-14 21:48:41

I do think its soooo important to learn from one another, don't you think Honey? smile

My learning is that sometimes people don't seem to grasp that calling people hateful, judgmental, cruel, bitter and jealous can indeed be offensive - just a tad though smile I have also learnt that apologies can offend too (who knew?)

Just to clarify (in the spirit of us all learning from each other) and with the greatest possible respect- people who are "considering" adoption are known in the trade as "people" (or "random people" sometimes) rather than adopters. And perhaps best not to say this too much you have taken on a challenging job to give a child a good life as it irks a little too. No job, no charity - just families muddling along like everyone else just a bit different.

And finally:

Yes this is the fluffy thread - people who can't be fluffy can fuck right off. We don't really do fluffy much, we are (as you have rightly pointed out) hard embittered old hags and we do tough love, muddling along, swearing where necessary and quite a bit of morgue humour. But not here. Here is fluffy.

There are many many other threads around where you can berate us for the error of our imperfect ways. But not this one.

Hope that helps X smile

Now shall we all join hands and sing Cumbaya or meditate together in peace and reconciliation?

Inthebeginning Sun 09-Feb-14 22:42:49

people who can't be fluffy can fuck right off think this might become my mantra grin

holycowwhatnow Sun 09-Feb-14 22:48:16

Sitting in the lotus position, eyes are closed and I'm chanting. Peace and love.

AnywhereOverTheRainbow Mon 10-Feb-14 09:31:42

Beautiful posts! As Italian greyhound said, I was taught so much on these threads. Thanks ladies thanks


Someone referred to your fathers being called 'that' way because those above mentioned names refer to people in the FA brigade, something also pushed down our throats by papers like the Daily Mail, and their main motto is "a BP is always better". Considering that my father was an abusive monster, my DH's mother even forgot she had children and abandoned them and my best friend's father was an abuser too, all BPs... Might I attempt to add my humble opinion.... usually children are better off with APs not BPs, because I still have to meet an adopted child who was abused and raped, whilst I met loads in my 40yrs of life who were 'trashed' by their own BPs.

I apologise ladies if this comment of mine was not as fluffy as required...
Peace and love smile

Angelwings11 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:05:00

kewcumber I am throwing my hands up and saying 'hallelujah'.....

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