Am I selfish?

[bzoo]

Had a hysterectomy at 26. I was so poorly I thought my child deserved a mum who could be an active mum. So made the hard decision. Life wasn't good and figured my family was complete and ok.

Things changed. I became single. Found love with my first love who I've always missed and wondered about. He is fine with my inability to have children. And treats my child wonderfully.

Thing is, I really wish I could give him a child. He says it matters not. But I feel it does

Really hard to explain.

Anyway. My child is 12. Am I selfish for thinking of adoption? How does it affect older (single) children?

[LastingLight]

Why would you be selfish to consider giving a child a home? I am almost 11 years older than my (bio) brother. A big gap like that means that the older sibling functions almost like a third parent. There was never any jealousy or rivalry and we get on very well as adults.

[bzoo]

My child has never expressed any desire for a sibling. DP wonders if it's worth waiting for my child to fly the best as it were. I had my child young so I won't be particularly old.

I'm a bit confused about things

[LastingLight]

Why don't you gently broach the subject with him/her and see what response you get?

[SecretRed]

My dd was 10 when my ds2 was born. She never wanted another sibling but she is wonderful with him and they have a great relationship at 13 and 2yo now. Dd and ds1 are another matter altogether as he's 8yo and they fight constantly!

[Lilka]

Wanting to adopt is no more selfish than wanting to have another birth child. I would say that adoption should definitely only be embarked upon if both of a couple really want to parent another child. Something which will fulfill a strong desire to be a mum and dad for you.

You say you want to give him a child - and of course that makes sense. But an adopted child is not a replacement for his biological child, so you need to both be clear in your heads about your feelings re. birth vs. adopted children.

Also, you personally shouldn't try to adopt out of a desire to give your husband a child. Do YOU want another child and to be a mum again very much? If you don't, then adoption is not right for you, however much your husband wants a child.

I think you need to talk together about how you feel and what you both want. And be totally honest with yourself about your own feelings. You need to know where each other is standing. And if he say he really doesn't care about having another child with you...believe him. If he says it doesn't matter to him, then it doesn't.

[Lilka]

and I wish you both all the best with working out what you both desire and want to do

[bzoo]

Sorry. Post wasn't very well written was it! I do want another child I hadn't realise during my illness that I did iyswim. My child deserved a mum who could function daily. So the decision of having the hysterectomy felt already made. And necessary.

My ex partner categorically didn't want a child. I never thought I would be strong enough to leave him so again I didn't think i would actually have a desire for another child.

Now I find myself wanting a child. That my family isn't as finished as I thought.

My partner suggested adoption. I think perhaps he knows that I am a little jumbled up in my thoughts about it. He certainly isn't pushing or withdrawing from the idea in either case.

I haven't even the foggiest idea how you start the process of adoption.

I guess firstly I must decide what I want. Which I do think is another child. But I guess I have the doubt of 'when is the right time' I guess there possibly isn't an ideal time to add to a family? Is that right?

I guess I always assumed that after my hysterectomy it wouldn't be a decision I expected to make. Does that make sense?

[Lilka]

I guess firstly I must decide what I want

Yes, taking some time to work out your feelings is the very best thing to do. Some time and discussion with your DP might show you both what the best way forward is, but you could also both attend a couple of counselling sessions if you wanted to talk things through with the aid of someone else

The right time is tricky. I am personally of the opinion that whilst there are definitely 'wrong times' to add to the family, often there just isn't a "THE right moment to do it". I'm sorry, I doubt that's very helpful! But it's just my experience

You do have time. My local council who approved me for adoption, will approve people up into their early 50's, so don't feel pressured to make a decision quickly because of age

If you decide that adoption is right for you, then you would start the proces by ringing as many adoption agencies (this would be your county, city or borough council depending on where you live, or a voluntary agency) as you like and finding one that is enthusiastic about you, and that you also like. If you decide adoption is right for you, you can simply go online and search for all the agencies near you and get their contact details and go from there

[bzoo]

Thank you.

I will return for more advice if ok? as DP and I chat this over. I have a million questions but not sure where the logical place to start with them all would be!

[Lilka]

Of course! Please do come and ask any questions you like

[bzoo]

Thanks