Can I ask you to read something?

[soapnuts]

Hi all, I'm a newbie on this page and I'm already asking a favour!

We're expats and in the process of adopting a baby girl from China (have been in the system for 3 years but it's finally going to happen in the summer!). We have two biological DSs already who are 4.5 years and 12 months (yes it's going to be a close age gap for various reasons!).

We haven't been matched with a child yet as we have to wait a few months before our younger son is old enough but I want to start laying down the groundwork, especially with my older son - when it does happen it will all happen pretty quickly so I don't want it to come as a shock! We know we will have a girl and that she will be between 6 and 12 months old and that she will have minor special needs (but we don't know what kind yet).

When we were expecting his younger brother, he responded really well to reading books about babies as he loves books but I've struggled to find any books that were relevant to our situation so, in the jetlagged hours of last night I wrote a little something that I'm going to print and illustrate (or try to!) and read with him but I wanted to check with people who might have been through something similar that was I wasn't dropping any major clangers here - whether through specific words or ideas. It's very simple but I just wanted it to be a starting point for a conversation about what's going to happen. I'm sure he'll have lots of questions!

Please feel free to tell me any mistakes I'm making - we have had adoption training but it's not as extensive in our situation as if we were in the UK so most of our information and preparation has come from our own reading.... which is still a work in progress but I have a few months left! So I was hoping someone could read what I've written and tell me if there is anything that needs changing? Thank you so much in advance!!

"Once upon a time there was a little girl called Annie. Annie was born in China. When Annie was born she wasn't very well and her mummy couldn't look after her. She left Annie in a safe place so that she would be found and kept safe until her forever family could come for her. Annie's mummy was very sad to leave her but she knew that Annie would be looked after.

When she was found, Annie was taken to a place called an orphanage where kind people looked after all the children who were waiting for their families.

One day Annie's new family came to the orphanage to take her home. Annie had a new mummy and daddy. They told her that she has two big brothers waiting for her at home. Annie was happy to be going to her forever home. She also knew she would miss the orphanage, the other children and the people who has looked after her.

Annie and her new parents spent some time getting to know each other and arranging for Annie to get a passport just like the rest of her family had. When Annie's new passport arrived she and her parents had to travel a long way to get to Annie's new home.

When they got home Annie was so excited to meet her new brothers. It took Annie a while to get used to her new home and her family but she was so happy to finally be there and her parents and brothers felt very lucky to have Annie in their family forever."

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Quick thought is that I wouldn't tell him that he should feel lucky to have a new sister (he might not!)

Also, being realistic, if you will be having two under two yo, one with special needs, the time you will have to spend with your eldest will be significantly affected. You surely need to prepare him for this, and reassure him that it doesn't mean that you love him any less etc.

[LastingLight]

It's lovely. We wrote something similar for our daughter after her adoption, it helped her to get the facts straight at a level that a 4 year old could understand. I think you can maybe take out the bit about the passport, it doesn't really add relevant facts to the story.

[LastingLight]

FamiliesShareGerms has a point about the effect this will have on your elder son. Maybe work in something about how he will be a big brother and help his mom and dad.

[soapnuts]

Thank you all - that is a very good point about feeling lucky!! I'll have a fiddle around with that - certainly don't want to tell him how to feel.

Yes the time thing could be something I need to approach. I do have help so I'm hoping it might not be too much of an issue and he's dealt well with going from being an only for 3.5 years to having a brother... fingers crossed he deals with this well too!

With the passport bit I was trying (badly clearly!) to explain it as something he'd understand - he loves showing his passport at the airport and is very proud of it.... you could be right though.... keep it simple!

Thanks so much for your help - any more comments gratefully received and LastingLight I'm so glad to hear that it helped your 4 year old. The one year old isn't going to know much different but I can really see this affecting my older son - hopefully in ways we can overcome and actually I think it will be positive for him too - he was born in China so actually thinks he's Chinese so will hopefully be receptive to his new sister. Am v relieved nobody has said it's a terrible idea to introduce it this way!

[Kewcumber]

Is she definitely in an orphanage not in foster care? A huge number of children in CHina are with foster families not institutions.

You might also want to find another word other than orphanage if its feasible - we use the English translation of the Kazakh word which translates as "baby-house" at home (though publically I say orphanage or institution) because as you will very quickly find the media portrayal of orphanagaes is bleak and of course the childrne aren;t orphans. The longer you can hold off using that description the better in my opinion.

[Italiangreyhound]

soapnuts maybe you could make the story a bit interactive, bit of a gamble but you could ask the kids how the new child might be feeling and ask them how they are feeling. They may feel different ways on different days but that would give you a chance to address those feelings. Not squash or deny the feelings but if things come up like 'will you have enough love for all three of us?' or the child version of that phrase you can reasure them. If they ask a question like that you could say it's a good question but yu definitely will have enough love for them etc etc. You might find the next time you get the same question or a different one or no questions etc. THIS IS JUST AN IDEA! I have never had to do this But I read a fab book called 'How to talk so children will listen and how to listen so children will talk' which really advocated asking children how they feel about stuff and helping them to find their own answers. So if you think they may have concerns then this could be a way of address it.

I would also take lots of photos of the boys and turn it into a book for the family, in fact I may copy the idea of writing a story and copy my own idea of illustrating it!!!

soapnuts all the best of luck with your little one and your boys. We explored adoption from China a few years ago but sadly I was too old by the time we started, by the time we had finished we would be over the age limit!

[Italiangreyhound]

PS soapnutsps I am not yet an adopter (we are approved to adopt and I ave one birth DD) just saying so you can ignore me if you wish! Xièxiè