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"I don't want to be safe", "I don't want to be nice" - how to respond

(27 Posts)
TrinnyandSatsuma Sat 21-Dec-13 21:28:06

As some of you might remember, our boy was placed with us two months ago. His behaviour, moods etc continues to evolve as he settles in and I think we are coping OK with most of the challenges and also enjoying some moments too!

However, I am struggling to know how to respond to the things below:-

For example his hands are a bit dry, cold weather etc. I put hand cream on mine (role modelling something, hoping to get him curious etc, as he said before, he doesn't like hand cream). He asked, "Why are you putting that on Trinny?" I said, "My hands a re a bit dry and a little sore" his reply was "My hands are sore....I like dry and sore hands"

We talk a lot about keeping him safe, caring for him, loving him etc. he often responds with things like "but I don't want to be safe" "I don't want you to love me"

When we talk about fun things we might do over the holidays, "I don't want to have any fun"

And tonight, when we talked about his spitting, which we are trying hard to explain is not a very nice thing to do (except when tooth brushing!), I said "I know that you are such a nice little boy and spitting is not really in your chatacter.....", his response was "but I don't want to be a nice boy"

It's heart breaking. Like he just feels so unworthy of the good things we want for him.

Can anyone help me see what the emotions might be behind this behaviour? How should we respond?

We have tried reassurance, saying we believe in him, saying we will love him whatever he says or does. "But I don't love you" he says.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 25-Dec-13 22:05:50

It does sound like he feels he is being disloyal to his previous caregivers, be they birth parents or foster carers.
Sounds very much like my dd used to be with foster carers when she wanted to come home (long back story)
I think you're amazing and you seem so open to his needs and understanding. I can see how it may hurt or you might feel rejected. Someone mentioned 'love bombing' up thread. I second that recommendation.
Hang in there you're doing a great job xx he will come round.
I'm guessing he's around six/seven years old the poor little man will have maybe had a tough time of things moved pillar to post ect as soon as he realises he won't get attached to you then be moved somewhere else (he may have been attached before and it can be confusing and hurtful being moved, get settled, then be uprooted again, I would say it's emotionally abusive in itself?) imagine how hard that must be, investing in a relationship only to have it whipped out from under you?
When he realises you're for life, he should settle. Not being told you're for life, that just won't cut it.. He has to realise it after being shown, for himself.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 25-Dec-13 22:08:50

Forgot to add I'm not experienced or an adoptive or foster carer x

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