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Pre-Christmas Support Thread, Mark II

(36 Posts)
Lilka Wed 11-Dec-13 21:44:29

For anyone that needs a vent. Christmas support thread mark I was last years joyous thread for anyone who wasn't around then! This is the thread to get christmas support on, whether you are struggling with the 'festive' season because you don't you don't have DC yet, or because your DC have issues with christmas, or because it's just stressful for ANY reason

Yesterday I caught DD trying to take all her remaining advent calendar presents and open them. She had a lovely tantrum when I told her that she had to wait until the right day. I wonder why I do advent every year sometimes! Still, better than the first year when I tried putting chocolate in the pockets (I have one of those fabric ones with pockets you buy presents for yourself) and she came down in the night on the second day and took the lot shock

Today she's whining because I told her that no, she can't have cosmetic surgery for Christmas!!!!! She wants elf ears like this lady has

"Whyyyyy nooot, you're meaaaannn" she's saying

Also, her Bestest Mummy (BM) says elf ears would look really great on her, which means that only Awful Mummy (AM) is standing in her way of her impulsive desire for beautiful ears.... that and the fact that seventeen year olds can't have cosmetic surgery and it can't be done in time for christmas and what kind of reputable surgeon would operate on a child like DD But if BM says elf ears are awesome, that's all that matters

Christmas PTSD triggers are everywhere and unlike in September and October when christmas starts nowadays, now they are totally unavoidable

Also my house is a tip and I'm going to struggle to get presents delivered in time for christmas cause I've left the shopping too late AGAIN

Please someone come and tell me that they also haven't done a speck of cleaning, that the present shopping is not going well, and that their DC are asking for cars, 'the moon' and other stuff they can definitely have at the age of 3/6/10/15 hmm

Moomoomie Mon 16-Dec-13 17:18:14

My three are breaking up on Friday, the older two at lunchtime, so I am taking them to an ice cream parlour for what has become a end of term tradition. Scrummy ice cream.
Dd3 finishes at normal time Friday, so we have a couple of hours without her demands!
I'm hoping next weekend is not as stressful as the one just gone.
Dd2 bedroom is often a no go area, unless I want to find socks, hers are always thrown around her room.
I will be partaking in my December tipple of a snowball this evening, anybody want one?

Lilka Mon 16-Dec-13 16:29:56

Thanks all thanks

Meita the unknowns are such a hard part of this whole process. I can't say what you should do, but I hope you find the way to celebrate that feels best for you

Well, DS and DD2 coming home has put a stop to it, but today I have been present wrapping and cleaning shock !!! The bathroom is blitzed, the hall and landing are spick and span

Now I've really earned some wine Very proud of myself grin

<I also had a peek in DD2's room but made a very hasty retreat> !

Those with DC on this thread, when are they breaking up from school?

prumarth Sun 15-Dec-13 11:13:11

Lilka, firstly I hope you had a nice, large glass of wine last night! I just wanted to add my support here also. You are and continue to do something amazing for all your kids and even if you can't always stop your daughter being affected or influenced negatively by her bm, you are giving your daughter a safe and healthy environment to grow in. No matter how rocky things things get for her the fact you are a point of safety is your gift to her and your other children. That makes her truely YOUR daughter in every sense of the definition.

Meita Sun 15-Dec-13 11:06:02

It's the unknown that is bugging me. If this were the 'last Christmas with 3 of us', I feel we would be able to celebrate it in a special way. But thing is, it might well be that there will still be 3 of us next Christmas. In which case we would likely celebrate THAT Christmas as the 'last with 3 of us'. Whereas we might be bringing home a new little one sometime in the second half of 2014, which would totally change our Christmas plans (no travelling abroad to see family); so it feels a shame NOT to celebrate this Christmas in some special way. Gah.

Very minor problem compared to some! Lilka, I'm totally angry at your DD's 'bestest' mum, for sabotaging everything. But I agree with MyFeetAreCold - imagine her (your DD2) going through the upheaval of being a teenager WITHOUT you at her side. You are doing a great job and making a huge difference to her life. Maybe she will come to recognise it at some point. And if not, at least (most) everyone on here does ;)

RationalThought Sat 14-Dec-13 23:56:41

Lilka - It's a horrible feeling to know that we can't always protect our DC, however much we love and care from them sad. However, you are an inspiration and a great support to so many of us here and I'm sure you'll find the least worst best way to cope.

Having got through matching panel this week, but with introduction not starting until the new year, we're finding it really hard to focus on Christmas this year. We will have to do it for the rest of our (mainly grown up) children, but there will still be a big hole there. Can't help wondering what our DC is up to every day.

Lilka Sat 14-Dec-13 23:53:00

thanks thanks

I've had my wine now, and I'm off to bed. You are all a support to me, it doesn't matter that you have no experience, the kind words are so appreciated

TrinnyandSatsuma Sat 14-Dec-13 21:38:33

Lilka, I'm a novice at this, so can't offer advice, but wanted to offer support and a hug.


Moomoomie Sat 14-Dec-13 19:40:41

Lilka..... I would really like to buy you a proper glass of wine (and a new toothbrush) maybe one day I will have that pleasure, but for nowwine will have to suffice.
You are such a support to so many people on here and probably in real life too.

MyFeetAreCold Sat 14-Dec-13 17:46:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka Sat 14-Dec-13 16:50:18

Thank you both thanks smile

I am having myself a brew right now, sadly I feel it's too early for wine yet!

You are right - She just isn't able to understand DD's complex needs, she never was, she never will be able to, and if she had ever had that level of insight, she might have been able to parent her (and her 11 other children as well)

I can deal with her not having that understanding in many ways, and even now I am sad for her and I DO have compassion for her. What I struggle to deal with is her actions, and her trying to do things that will harm DD. I wasn't there years ago when DD was being hurt, and when you adopt your child you want to protect them from ever being harmed again (I'm sure all the AP's here have felt that strongly). I looked at my little 8 year old sleeping and promised myself that I wouldn't ever let her be abused or hurt like that again. And yet this year I've seen my DD falling apart, going through so much, even being hospitalised in June...I've actually been powerless to stop DD getting hurt...and that's been the hardest thing of all really

Moomoomie Sat 14-Dec-13 16:00:53

Oh dear Lilka, how awful for you to have to deal with that.
BM will never understand or put your daughters needs first, she never did and never will.
Only you will do that, you are doi ng the best for dd, and hopefully one day she will realise this.
Thought, prayers and hugs to you along with brew thanks and cake

MyFeetAreCold Sat 14-Dec-13 13:25:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka Sat 14-Dec-13 12:40:50

Well I just fielded a lovely phone call from Bestest Mummy

First off, she's bloody lucky I got to the phone before DS (who likes to feel important by answering all phone calls and telling either me or DD2 to come to the phone). If he's answered to find his BM he'd be in a right state right now. But sometimes fortune smiles on me, I was right next to the phone when it rang.

Secondly, why does she have to call my home phone?

We made some small talk, and I asked after some relatives and how she was doing, and she asked me how I was doing, etc

She was calling for DD, but since she got me first, she might as well ask me now - can DD come to Manchester with her for a week over New Years to see some distant relatives, non relatives and her friends?


I said it much more politely to her though, with good reasons attached

Well okay then, she says, sounded put out, but quite a few of DD's older siblings are coming to stay over Christmas and "I know DD would be happier here" !!!!!, they can pick DD up on Christmas Eve morning and have her back on Boxing Day evening, is that okay?

I said very firmly, "DD is spending Christmas with her brother and sister and with me at this house".

I also asked her to not say anything to DD as then DD would be disappointed because I'm not letting her go anywhere overnight, full stop. Likelihood of her doing this? Somewhere between 'low' and 'null'

Thirdly, she has some nerve to tell me DD would be happier spending Christmas Day with her

Fourthly, DD is MY daughter, and I'm the only one of us two who knows how to keep her christmas calm, low key and as free as possible from triggers, and I'm so angry with her for trying to take my DD away from us at Christmas and how she has so little understanding of DD's needs and only cares about herself

angry angry angry angry angry angry

Lilka Fri 13-Dec-13 15:13:02

Oh no Angels I hate these stupid bastard rules about area and address angry It's a great way to mess adopters around and wash your hand of them 'you're not our responsibility any more' blah blah blah

Hope your area team can give you help x

And as for being a 'fraud', absolute nonsense. You are as deserving of support and help as anybody else and have every right in the world to vent and talk about it.

Oh dear Moomoomie grin The tooth-fairy North East division is a bit forgetful, and has had to deal with 'mummy the tooth fairy didn't come, whyyyy?' several times blush grin

AngelsWithSilverWings Fri 13-Dec-13 14:30:29

Oh no! At least you remembered. Our local tooth fairy is very forgetful.grin

Not expecting much from PAS to be honest.

Called the authority we adopted through but when the duty SW called me back it was to tell me that as we have moved to a different area since we first adopted we are no longer entitled to the support. (adopted through Essex and still live in Essex but the town we now live in is independent of the County Council)

Called the adoption team that covers my area and they are going to ask the manager to decide if we warrant any help.

They will let me know next week.

Moomoomie Fri 13-Dec-13 14:16:59

Angels... I hope the PAS worker comes through for you, unfortunately ours is totally useless, we have had no help whatsoever, although they have promised us so much. sad
I always find these few weeks either before the summer holidays or more so before Christmas so tough. At school they are off timetable so often, the dc do not know whether they are coming or going.
Dd2 birthday is December too, so it is such a full on month. We do try and play it as low key as possible.
And, to top it all dd3 saw me being the tooth fairy the other night, I quickly thought on my feet and made up some story, she seemed to believe me, although she was awake for the next two hours asking many questions!

AngelsWithSilverWings Fri 13-Dec-13 14:03:19

Thank you.

When I read threads on here and speak to my "adoption group" friends I always feel like a bit of a fraud. DS's problems are really quite minor in comparison to what other adopters are going through.

I hope you manage to get through Christmas ok and get some support from somewhere.

Lilka Fri 13-Dec-13 13:47:32


sorry, not sure what happened with the <> there

Lilka Fri 13-Dec-13 13:43:44

Angels many <<hugs>> for you

I hope the PAS team are helpful

DD2 is not doing well. This is her first 'in reunion' christmas and I honestly think it's that that's causing half the trouble. Her mental health issues are getting worse not better this year, and since some of her elder siblings have serious MH issues it's frightening sad She's so anxious and her behaviour is just...

AngelsWithSilverWings Fri 13-Dec-13 11:50:12

Just a little update. I spoke to DS's teacher this morning and she was really worried about him.

Yesterday we were just told to collect him from the welfare office because he had been sick but apparently he collapsed and then was sick and she thought he was going to pass out. He was vomiting whole chunks of chocolate! He hadn't even chewed it.

This has finally prompted me to call the post adoption team to ask for help. This is the first time I've ever needed their help in the 7 years we have been adoptive parents.

I hope I've done the right thing inviting social workers back into our lives.

Just waiting to hear from the duty SW now.

AngelsWithSilverWings Fri 13-Dec-13 08:11:39

Thank you Lilka. I the chewing gum idea! I may try that one.Someone else has suggested a box containing a weeks supply healthy treats mixed in with some chocolate that he can choose from during the week , but to make sure he knows that when it's gone it's gone.

He does get a bit over excited at Xmas but probably no more so than any other child.

It's always when my DH is working long hours and doesn't get to see the kids during the week that DS starts this behaviour. Pre Xmas is alway busy at DH's work.

We have started using FaceTime so that he can keep in touch on the evenings when he he not home.

Lilka Thu 12-Dec-13 23:40:12

Angels, that's so hard

Both DD's are food hoarders and anxious eaters

DD2 would go as far as coming down in the night and gorging on stuff in the freezer - frozen chicken nuggets, frozen peas, ice cream, frozen fries, even the ice cubes

The problem is the eating is worst when anxious, so the only way to really combat the eating is to combat the anxiety and promote them feeling more safe and secure (as well as working on sensations and the difference between hunger and anxiety tummy feelings, if that's applicable in your situation), and Christmas is the hardest time to do that in

I don't really have any words of wisdom, because this is still an issue now, I can only recommend carrying on keeping everything as low key, calm, small-world as possible. I never have the TV on at this time because of the christmas adverts, no tree going up until about the 21st/22nd etc. School is hard though because the christmas influence is all around and there's nothing you can do about it, so the anxiety just builds and you try and firefight it when it arrives home

I have a box of healthy stuff (celery sticks etc) out all the time and DD will eat and eat from it when anxious but it's no good if your child only wants sugary treats. Also some children with food issues do better with more food access, others just obsess so much they are calmer and happier when their food access is very restricted.

I also give her chewing gum, the sensation of constant chewing and feeling like you are sort of eating something substitutes for food and calms her in a similar way to eating sometimes.

AngelsWithSilverWings Thu 12-Dec-13 17:21:11

This is well timed.

My DS8 binges on sweet stuff when he is stressed or worried.

Because of the pre Xmas rush DH has been working around the clock and hasn't been home much. This always worries DS and has triggered the usual problems of bad behaviour and stealing sweet stuff.

I have stopped keeping sweets or goodies in the house because of this. I thought that would solve the problem! How wrong was I!

Today , before breakfast ,he consumed my entire stock of dark chocolate that I keep hidden away for cake making.

As a result he was sent home from school after vomiting in the classroom.

I'd love to know if anyone else has experienced this and what steps you have taken to solve the problem.

Thank you.

Lilka Thu 12-Dec-13 17:06:13

32flavours I understand, and I remember the feeling from my last christmas pre-child especially. It feels like children are the entire focus of the event and everything just highlights to you what you don't (yet) have. Many <<hugs>> to you

fasparent yes, I didn't think about FC's who will soon be saying goodbye to their precious LO's, but a difficult time for them as well

I find that many people just think of christmas as something which should be a really happy event for everyone, and that simply view of cheer is one of the hardest things to deal with

fasparent Thu 12-Dec-13 16:40:49

Hard time for FC's who have baby's children soon too be placed after Christmas, Know of a few , We will be thinking of Adoptive parents waiting and missing out on baby's 1st Christmas, don't know why ss always seem too wait too place if it's too close too Christmas , Think its regards too lack of available support and festivity of the event (Christmas) ., also triggers which can effect some children. Frustrating world.

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