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Drawing the line during home study...

(88 Posts)
wonderinglots Wed 06-Nov-13 18:49:47

Have NC'd for this.

We are well into our home study. During our home study we have done many things (including modifications to our home) that we didn't necessarily agree with, but did 'for the greater good' and have talked about countless things that we think only had a tenuous link to being relevant in our quest to adopt.

We are now being asked to do something that I fundamentally disagree with - My view is that the thing we are being asked to do is Orwellian. DH is fairly 'meh' about it. Any resistance to doing it will be seen as not being committed to the process (rather than the objection to the principal of being asked to do it - which is what this most definitely is).

We have been told not doing this is a deal breaker in our application so I'm not even sure why I'm posting this as we have no choice....

Have any of you have 'drawn the line' and refused to do something during home study? If so, what was the outcome?

Whatutalkinboutwillis Sun 16-Mar-14 21:30:15

Congrats xxx

KristinaM Sat 15-Mar-14 08:02:19

Congratulations .i hope you find your child/rent soon .

Thank for coming back to update us

FourArms Sat 15-Mar-14 07:53:42

Fantastic news smile

Daisiemoo Sat 15-Mar-14 07:26:49

Congrats! Xx

Happiestinwellybobs Sat 15-Mar-14 06:48:55

Brilliant news smile

cedar12 Fri 14-Mar-14 22:13:13

Great newsgrin

drspouse Fri 14-Mar-14 21:55:34


Inthebeginning Fri 14-Mar-14 21:52:55

brilliant news! so pleased for you! totally right that they approved you too.

Kewcumber Fri 14-Mar-14 21:48:05

HUrrah - congratulations.

I do like a happy middle. Look forward to hearing the happy ending.

OneOfOurLilkasIsMissing Fri 14-Mar-14 21:44:33

That's fantastic news

Massive congratulations on your approval!! grin

Italiangreyhound Fri 14-Mar-14 21:38:17

wonderinglots fabulous news.

wonderinglots Fri 14-Mar-14 21:07:27


I wanted to come back and give one last update.

We stood our ground and refused. We weren't confrontational but we were resolute. Our agency backed down from their request.

We went to panel a few weeks back and it wasn't raised. In fact, the panel chair acknowledged that we'd had a (more than usual) challenging process and that our commitment to adoption was clear. They thanked us for our tenacity.

We were approved unanimously.

I want to thank everyone who contributed to this thread and encouraged us/reassured us.

I can honestly say without your advice and guidance we would have caved in at the request. And doing so would have been totally for the wrong reasons. We will not renew the sperm storage agreement when it comes up for renewal next month. For the right reasons.

Thank you, everyone. You may sometimes think you simply type words on a screen, but they have real impact.


Bananaketchup Wed 08-Jan-14 19:54:57

Thanks for coming back to update, and well done for calling them on this - I hope behind the scenes someone got called to account for such a ridiculous demand. Wishing you an uneventful panel!

Choccyjules Wed 08-Jan-14 14:28:18

Thankyou for your update, am very glad to hear they are backing down on this. Silly people!!

KristinaM Mon 06-Jan-14 16:53:50

I agree completely with nina. It was completely inappropriate that you were asked to do this in the first place and you shouldn't have to worry about it being raised at panel .

NanaNina Mon 06-Jan-14 13:49:58

I am so glad that this VA has been "brought to book" on this totally unreasonable request. I could barely believe what I was reading and as some of you know I am a retired sw and tm mgr in a Fostering & Adoption team for the LA.

I think it would be totally unacceptable for this issue to be "brought up" in panel as it would be potentially humiliating to you both. I was a panel advisor for our LA when Panels had to be chaired by Independent Chairs and as part of my role I read all the paperwork for panel. If I thought there was something in the assessment that was pertinent but had been fully covered by the assessor I would ask the Panel Chair to ensure that this matter wasn't brought up at Panel. If there were issues that were of concern but had not been fully explained then I would ask the assessing social worker for further explanation/clarification to prevent applicants getting questioned at the Panel.

I don't mean that issues should be swept under the carpet and of course the Panel is not there to "rubber stamp" a sws's recommendations but in view it is extremely difficult for applicants to walk into a room with possibly 15 or so strangers and then have to be asked embarrassing questions.

Could you request that this issue is not raised in the Panel. All it should take is for the Panel Advisor to have a word with the Chair about this "hot potato" and that it is confined to the dustbin where it belongs!

MyFeetAreCold Mon 06-Jan-14 13:12:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KristinaM Mon 06-Jan-14 09:35:51

Thanks for updating us. Please let us know how things go at panel, if you want to smile

Lilka Mon 06-Jan-14 09:23:25

Great news! Good luck with panel, I'm sure they'll be fine with it smile

cedar12 Mon 06-Jan-14 09:15:06

Great news. Good luck with the rest of the process. smile

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 06-Jan-14 07:22:49

That's great news , glad someone saw sense. Good luck with the rest of home study and panel

Italiangreyhound Sun 05-Jan-14 22:10:53

Excellent news, very glad. I completely understand how you feel and as someone who had fertility treatment and had items stored I would have hated for anyone else to make decisions about it other than us. A victory for common sense and you.

Best of luck.

sykadelic15 Sun 05-Jan-14 22:07:05

I'm so glad! I read what they asked and couldn't believe that was allowed and agree it should be your choice! I'd never heard you couldn't adopt as well as have birth children.

Devora Sun 05-Jan-14 21:39:07

That is such a relief - it was a ridiculous thing for them to ask and completely unfair to you (and yes, unethical). All fingers crossed that you have a speedy and smooth journey through approval and matching.

TwistAndShout Sun 05-Jan-14 21:24:45

That's really good news and so great to hear an update. Hopefully you can now move forward and make the right decision for you. Good luck.

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