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Is this normal?

(62 Posts)
flippingebay Tue 05-Nov-13 18:48:54

After a week of introductions our 20 month old dd came home to stay..

Is it normal to feel utter UTTER panic? Burst into tears at a moments notic, panic I'll never bond with her??? I'm a mess and feel like I have the emotions of just given birth!

We have a 5 yr old birth dd and I even feel and cry over feeling guilty for her (even though she's been an absolute star)

Our new dd have really bonded with my DH and he's been brilliant ensuring he gives me time with dd and doesn't take over just because it's easier. But everything with me is either 'no' or tears and tantrums.,

Please be gentle with me hmm

Kewcumber Sun 24-Nov-13 22:57:26

Buster - if its any consolation DS wouldn't actually make eye contact with me for about 3 weeks - and I didn't even had a DH to compete against for attention! Way to go Junior, how to make your mother feel like a total loser!

My worry is I take it personally everytime, & I know I shouldn't. - well yes but that's because it is personal! DS seemed to understand for the outset that I was somehow different to all teh other random people he met and fought tooth and mail not to bond (IMO!), its almost like fighting against falling in love with someone because you know its going to make you vulnerable and the one thing almost all adopted children have already learnt is that shit things do actually happen, people you have bonded to leave and that it hurts.

It may be that because your DH is not around consistently in the week he doesn't feel that overwhelmed by him (if that makes sense) or maybe he hasn't ever bonded with a man before so is not so threatened by developing an emotional relationship with one - just speculating.

Anyway, knowing you shouldn't feel that way isn't really very relevant (though why on earth shouldn't you?!), what matters is that you are able to accept that the bonding and attachment process really does take time - months in my opinion. Marathon not a sprint and all that...

And be kind to yourself... its bloody weird being given a strange child and having to pretend they're yours for the best part of your waking day - its exhausting!

Maryz Sun 24-Nov-13 23:01:06

[arf] at us all reassuring each other we are normal. It's all a bit "lunatics taking over the asylum" ish, isn't it grin.

As an aside, and on a good note, ds1 bought me a birthday card shock

irishe Sun 24-Nov-13 23:40:05

We have just passed our first anniversary of dd coming home and she still prefers DH! A recent example, I have just returned to p/t work, luckily dd appears to enjoy nursery (I still worry though, but I digress). DH and I both went to nursery to pick her up. Dd saw us coming in the door and came running over in excitement, I was in front of DH and bent down to pick her up, she dropped to her knees and literally crawled between my legs to get to DH! I must have been feeling resilient that day as even I laughed, along with every other adult in the room. . . .
It took months for dd to call me mummy and yet it was dada almost immediately (or so it felt). But despite my ongoing insecurities I have fallen hook, line and sinker for my little girl. I can still remember the morning I woke up and heard this little voice on the baby monitor calling "mama, mammy". I nearly vaulted out of the bed with excitement and shock, I think I had almost given up hope I would ever hear the words coming from dd. it felt so good!
I have taken a lot of comfort from speaking to friends with birth children who have all also felt rejected or at least felt the non favoured parent at times. I console myself that it is normal behaviour from toddlers. I also feel a lot of joy watching dd and DH play together. I am convinced my turn will come as dd gets older, and realises my chat is much better than dh's!
Which is a long way of saying, all your worries and emotions are normal.

Devora Sun 24-Nov-13 23:50:32

Wow Maryz, that's great (and happy birthday) smile

Maryz Sun 24-Nov-13 23:51:58

He bought me a bottle of wine and a bar of chocolate as well shock - he knows me well.

I'm thinking of starting a thread about it.

Lilka Mon 25-Nov-13 00:36:17

Maryz that's fantastic! Happy birthday! smile

Buster51 Mon 25-Nov-13 09:32:28

Aw thank you all, really helps a lot. DH has returned back to work for the week & DS is slowly starting to approach me again.
It's like when DH returns home he reverts back to how he was very early placement (very clingy & extremely distant from me). Although it is not as bad, he still seems to have his guard up suddenly with me. Mid-week when he is not around he sometimes even asks me to sit near him! So it is all very strange, we are unable to work out why he feels this way when DH is home at weekends.... It's almost like he feels it has to be one or the other, & goes to him as he is clearly more comfortable - I don't know??

I am just keeping my head high & trying to not let it get me down smile it is still very early days & he has came on so so well in that time.

I can't tell you how much it helps talking to others in similar situations smile

Buster51 Mon 25-Nov-13 09:45:49

Kewcumber - yes DS didn't have a father figure around before he was placed in foster care, & since being with us he has never mentioned his foster dad either, so it could be that he has never ''been let down" by a man so he has no reservations in bonding with a man.
He lived with his (tummy mummy) as he now knows her, & a foster mum for two year, perhaps feelings of loyalties to her or being scared to attach in case I leave him too!

That being said he is much better during the week, sits on my knee & asks me to sit by him on his chair, this just stops as soon as DH is home (as mentioned above). He is very very comfortable with DH & could quite easily 'snuggle' etc for long periods of time.


flippingebay Mon 25-Nov-13 17:56:02

I must come back to this thread on a daily basis just to remind myself I don't have to look like those 'god awful' 'can you foster/adopt' posters they are sticking up everywhere.

I am pleased to announce that I'm past the mad panic stage (as you all said I would) and I'm now just taking one day at a time.

It's really helped that DH has gone back to work and I have a few hours on my own with her. I even get the odd giggle and laugh out of her. She still blatantly prefers my DH. The reaction he gets on his return is very loud and she runs up to him. Whereas I nipped out for a few hours on Sunday, when I walked through the door I got a minor glance lol. Yes, I do take it personally, but I'm starting to accept that's the way it is. DD1 prefers me and I've never really appreciated how hurtful it can be.

We have our first looked after review this week and I know they want to talk to us about submitting the court order, and this is what terrifies me now shock . It seems so final, but I always knew there'd be no going back anyway, but it's still scary. My DH seems to be taking it all in his stride - lucky bugger

flippingebay Mon 25-Nov-13 18:13:53

We had a bit of a family get together to celebrate an engagement recently, now I don't get on particularly well with my MIL, we tolerant each other, well who do you think DD2 has really taken to? Yep, you guessed it - her.

She was stuck like glue to her all evening, wanted to be picked up etc etc, at the end of the night I went to MIL to collect my DD and she wouldn't come back to me, tears and everything confused marvellous! They seem to know which person will really annoy you and zone in on them.. smile

jamo1111 Fri 13-Dec-13 20:31:09

i felt very strange the first month I didn't have any feelings for the baby .then I put my self in his shoes and its all came together I would do anything that you can like cradle and sing to baby rock baby to sleep anything thay is bonding I did all these things and feeling started coming

Buster51 Mon 23-Dec-13 11:39:58

I still often find myself coming back to this post for reassurance, 7 weeks in now!

I have also got past the mad panic, depressive stage & now try to take each day as it comes. DH is back from forces leave & DS is admittedly more balanced with us both than he was before.

His issue is "closeness" "snuggles" "sitting side by side" he will actually say "mummy can you sit up" "mummy can you sit on the end of the sofa & me on your back" - he can sit on my knee or on my back but says "I don't like lying".

Perhaps this is more intimate for him? Or has never done this with a woman figure before? I do however find myself going crazy wondering why & how/if I should address it. I feel once he has 'cracked' being able to do that then he'll let me in more & more.

I have also noticed that every time he is out of routine/staying with family (granted only a few times) his behaviour is affected, he becomes distant or clingy! & wakes out of character in the night calling for me, but doesn't seem to actually 'enjoy' my comforting when there! But he does drop back off to sleep.

Any advice on this at all??

I realise this may come across as a small problem but it is still something that is always on my mind! Knowing if to act or not??

I couldn't thank these posts enough they help me feel more normal! smile

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