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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Utterly destroyed

39 replies

Hayleyh34 · 19/10/2013 20:17

Have had a terrible day with DD culminating in her throwing things and hitting DH. Have decided to make that step next week and contact SS to find out what extra support there is. Feel like I've failed and let her down

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RandomMess · 19/10/2013 20:18

Why have you failed? Perhaps she is just feeling secure enough to act out what is going on internally?

I really really hope you get the support you need and that she deserves.

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ScariestFairyByFar · 19/10/2013 20:26

You haven't failed by needing support you'd be failing her by not asking or by letting adoption break down without trying everything first.

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yeghoulsandlittledevils · 19/10/2013 20:30

She may be ill or all kinds of things. This iswhen she needs you most. Do not judge your success as a parent by her behaviour or stress levels. (Unless you had a paddy and threw thngs back and hit her?)

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Hayleyh34 · 19/10/2013 20:37

She's not ill. She has control issues that have spiralled recently and at the moment whenever she can't be in control it gets worse. She's been with us 3 years and I feel like we've failed by not making it better

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RandomMess · 19/10/2013 20:41

You know contary to what lots of people who have no experience of dc damaged in their early years sometimes love isn't enough

You have not failed, you are asking for the specialist help you need to help her have the happiest & best life possible for her.

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Hayleyh34 · 19/10/2013 20:46

I know Random, it's just hard to accept

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RandomMess · 19/10/2013 20:51

I can only imagine. Have friends and one of their long term foster dc had to move on as their behaviour was so awful even the bio siblings wanted them gone - the future for that child is so so bleak but they tried so hard and the lack of help and support from social services schocking

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Kewcumber · 19/10/2013 21:12

I feel like we've failed by not making it better

How do you know you haven't made it better? What would she have been like without you?

Looking for help when she needs it even when you don't want to is the hallmark of a loving and concerned parent not one who has failed. And saying you "failed" kinds implies the end of a process which I'm guessing this isn't? Isn't it all just one part of a continuum which we live through in order to help our DC's be the people they can be.

I asked a social worker for help with DS's behaviour this year because nothing I tried seemed to be making any difference. Perhaps I'm more arrogant than you... I didn;t see it as being a failure at all, just an acknowledgement that I don;t know everything and someone else might have some approach I haven't thought of.

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RandomMess · 19/10/2013 21:25

You know as a bio parent I often feel I've failed too, see sign of a true parent - LOL!!!

Just because it's difficult know doesn't mean that things won't work out, good on you for asking for help and recognising you need it at the moment x

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Hayleyh34 · 19/10/2013 21:26

Kew, absolutely not the end, really did not mean to give that impression. We love her so much and would never ever give up on her. Just struggling

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Crikeyblimey · 19/10/2013 21:30

You've done such a good thing seeking help. Adoption is a marathon, not a sprint.

Take all the support and help you can get.

You sound like a lovely, caring mum.

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Hayleyh34 · 19/10/2013 21:32

Thank you Crikey and everyone for words of support. Think I worry too much about everything being perfect all the time.

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PacificDogwood · 19/10/2013 21:36

I have no experience with adoption (other than an adopted cousin who turned out v sane indeed ), but we have behavioural problem with DS2, some of which surrounding control etc.

I am just posting to say, don't focus too much on the problem being you or her or the fact she's adopted or whatever her background might be.
Other families can have these problems too with their biological children . It's hard when it's bad.
We've had good support from Primary Care Counselling for DS2 (he's now 9).
I think reaching out for support is a good idea.

The only perfect families I know appear on the front of holiday brochures btw .

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bsc · 19/10/2013 21:41

I was just about to post what pacific said much better!
bio-children also end up in meltdowns, and it is difficult.

How old is she? About 5?

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Kewcumber · 19/10/2013 21:44

We love her so much and would never ever give up on her. Just struggling

Thats what I mean Hayley - you didn't give the impression that you'd given up at all... so you haven't failed. You're just taking the next step in your journey.

It isn;t one you like and its totally understandable that its depressing but it isn;t "failure" its "parenting"!

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Hayleyh34 · 19/10/2013 21:47

Thanks kew, always admire what you post so guess I'll trust you on this

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PacificDogwood · 19/10/2013 21:53

Think I worry too much about everything being perfect all the time.

You need to embrace the concept of Good Enough Parenting, Hayley - seeking perfection just sets you up for disappointment as it expects impossible goals.

We have 4DSs and DS2 is at least 3 times as much work as the other 3 taken together.

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Kewcumber · 19/10/2013 22:07

You can come back and tell me you've failed when you're 94 Hayley as long as you're not surrounded by 15 grandchildren and 25 greatgrandchildren....

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RandomMess · 19/10/2013 22:08

Kew that is a fantastic way of looking at it.

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Hayleyh34 · 19/10/2013 22:16

Kew, that made me cry, thanks so much for the support. You too Random

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Lilka · 19/10/2013 22:42

Hayleyh //hugs

You have not failed your DD. You might feel that way because you can't solve her issues all by yourself, but that's not failure, and it's not because of you. You are doing everything you can to help her, you are a fantastic mum, a caring mum.

Sometimes our children need extra help. You reaching out for support or therapy for her emotional issues is not any different to you reaching out for support or a wheelchair for mobility issues, really. In society, there's this prevailing attitude and people are conditioned to think that parents can solve all emotional/behavioural issues and it's a 'failure' if you can't. And it's not true.

You don't have to be perfect. And yes, I spent years pressuring myself to be perfect. You only end up making yourself really stressed and upset and counting everything you did wrong.

Count all the things you did right instead. That was something the therapist who was helping DD2 suggested to me. I said I was a total failure yesterday, she coached me through the day - actually, I had - woken her up with a smile, got her ready, got her to school on time, given her a peck on the cheek, made her a nice lunch, nice dinner, picked her up on time, never neglected her, never hit her no matter what she did, a lovely safe house to live in, a warm bed, a routine, I was attentive to her needs....the horrific tantrumming and yelling and being berated and sworn at and eventually shouting and crying and feeling useless was all I was thinking about and feeling like I was doing it wrong. But that's not what it's really about, is it?

You are giving your DD everything she needs from you. Today and every day, you have given her a safe home, food, a warm bed, care for her education and health, love, attention, you worry about her, you seek out help for her...You are doing it right

Really hope PAS comes back with something helpful for you

pacificdogwood it's great that counselling helped your son :) however, honestly, sometimes it is a very good idea to focus on her DD being adopted - or more accurately, her DD having been traumatised and in care, and moved around. As much as bio children can most definitely get control issues and many other issues...her DD's issues may very well have their cause rooted in her experiences. We can't ignore the fact that early trauma causes these issues (and many other issues), and therefore can't ignore the fact that our children are adopted. Certainly with my children, many of their issues exist solely because they have been through trauma and been in care. Saying 'they are adopted' is just a shorthand for that. Some bio children have the some of the issues my children have, but the cause is different, and that can sometimes mean the most appropriate way of dealing with it is different

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Lilka · 19/10/2013 22:44

meant

didn't mean to make that a false link!

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Hayleyh34 · 19/10/2013 23:02

Lilka, thank you so much for your words. Totally agree that need to focus on DD being adopted - we know her issues and know that they are related to this.

Have just had a day of feeling beaten by everything and then feel really awful for feeling like this.

I don't know if you and Kew are aware of the impact that you have on people but it's because of posters like you that I have the confidence to come here and reach out for support so thank you

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PacificDogwood · 20/10/2013 11:45

Lilka, I understand what you mean wrt to focusing on the fact that she was adopted and would never presume to underestimate the importance of a child's early experiences. And yes, to focus on that to understand what may be underlying a child's behavioural challenges is of course important
What I ment was simply to reassure Hayley like other posters, including you, have said, namely that the best parenting in the world does not and cannot take all troubles away for our children. Adopted children can have a whole heap of additional problems to deal with due to their early experiences, but the feeling of failing as a parent or helplessness in the face of our children's distress and the fallout that causes for the rest of the family are not unique to any particular type of family.

Wishing you a better day today, Hayley.

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yeghoulsandlittledevils · 20/10/2013 12:33

Just wanted to come back and say thank you, Hayley for the clarification. It feels like a brave step to get professional help for our children, but it is often just what they need and having that help can make all the difference. (Even if you are not actually doing anything different yourself).

You are a great mum, you are 'good enough' (which is all any of us need to be) and you are not a failure. You can't have failed, the job's not half done yet!

also: You are not to blame.