Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
medical form - recreational drugs(56 Posts)
I spent most of my teenage years off my face. Mostly hash, acid, ecstacy and coke
I haven't touched anything for about 20 years. I've had a responsible career working with people in a senior management position, I'm a mum etc etc. I don't smoke, don't drink, don't even go out...
I just can't help thinking that the word 'cocaine' on a form is going to scupper my chances. Is it?
What I found most interesting is that there were some things that I (and my partner) brought up in passing that we thought were irrelevant (but mentioned anyway) that became far more important further down the line.
We are a woven tapestry and although some threads are more important than others, they are all relevant. We went in with the attitude although we knew ourselves, we weren't the right people to judge the type of parents we may turn out to be.
As I said, tiny threads became very important later on, especially when it came to matching. I think it is at the child-finding stage that these threads become relevant as it stops being about whether you are fit to parent a hypothetical child but whether you are the right parents for that specific, potential match.
I agree that all lies are the are not entirely the same and I was probably being too flippant. However, there is a difference between omitting a minor detail and intentionally leaving out an entire section of one's life and then lying about it on an official form (such as the medical).
Life would be very boring if we all agreed about everything! Mumsnet wouldn't exist if we all saw eye to eye and then where would we be!
We'll just have to agree to disagree on this Odyssey. Every thing I've done has indeed led me to where I am now and I didn't discuss every thing I've done over the past 49 years. Some of it major life events or things which have an impact on the person I am now.
I am quite capable of distinguishing those things which might have an impact on a child I adopt today and those which won;t and I think you'll find no-one was suggesting OP lies about domestic or child abuse but didn't make a point of raising something so far in the past which has no current relevance.
I'm not sure "a lie is a lie" is very helpful in this situation - its naive to suggest all lies are created equal when I would say that failing to mention something that you are confident is completely irrelevant is a very different kettle of fish to making concerted attempts to hide something like child abuse. Its also naive to assume that all social workers are created equal!
Obviously you don't agree and told 100% truth about everything that ever happened in your life at your home study. Mine would have been a great deal longer if I'd shared every detail of everything I'd ever done. Particularly with a social worker who latched into some of the most peculiar aspects of my childhood and wanted to investigate and discuss them in detail when they really couldn't have been less an issue or less relevant. I very quickly came to the conclusion that I was a better judge than the SW of what I would find to be an issue than her. I was right. The "issues" she raised haven't even been thought about (even fleetingly) in the 10 years since my home study whereas the issues I perceived to be problematic have been present in our lives intermittently since.
I suppose it whether you take a pragmatic approach to a home study or the philosophical.
However, every event and decision in your life has brought you to this point. Both the good ones and the bad ones. We were not talking about the odd spliff once or twice, it was a lifestyle the op chose and then changed. This shows a lot about their personality. I guess it depends on how you view the assessment process - is it because they want to catch you out and fail you or because they want to guide you towards being the best adoptive parent you can be? My opinion is that it was the latter.
I feel I can be saddened about the advice. It is my opinion and still don't think lying to the social worker about something so big is the best approach. If an applicant is prepared to lie about that, what else will they lie about? Undiscovered domestic or child abuse? A belief that discipline begins and ends with smacking? Current drug or alcohol abuse? A lie is a lie.
Odyssey - I don't think it shows that honesty is the best policy. I think it worked in this case.
You don't need to be "saddened" about people not mentioning something that they did 20 years ago before they had children and don't have a problem with now. There were issues I didn't mention. I didn't think they were relevant to raising my child now and I would have considered it a massive invasion of my privacy to be expected to share it with social workers who have no special training or insight in that area.
I expect people to be honest about current and recent issues or older issues which might affect your approach to raising children. Decades old issues I think are fair game to chose to leave in the past.
Yeah, perhaps! But it did seem a bigger sin to admit using illegal 'harder' illegal drugs to the security service !
unless you were ever cautioned, charged etc with a drugs offence I wouldn't bother.
Maybe they knew you were lying imip
Just wanted to add that on a similar question for an interview with the national security service in my home country (first time they were recruiting spies since the Cold War), I conceded that I smoked dope at uni (because what of respecting uni student didn't ), but I lied and said I hadn't used acid and speed.
I didn't progress any further through the interview process . I thought as a spy, drug use would have been an asset? I many think of any other aspect of the psychological application I could have failed!
I admitted to smoking cannabis a few times in my youth. The doctor doing my medical thought it was most amusing, she said I was very honest, most people lied. Funnily enough my sw drew on this as evidence I has "experimented" in my youth and might have a level of understanding if my future teenage children started experimenting when talking to us, obviously she did not put this on the PAR!
I think by then I already had a good relationship of trust with my sw but that sort of thing could have gone massively Pete Tong if she did not have that outlook.
ooh congratulations! Thanks for the update and great that the homest approach worked for you.
It shows that honesty is the best policy.
Reading the beginning of the thread, I was astonished and saddened by how many people were telling you to lie. Not a great start at being a parent imho. So I was really pleased you decided to be open and honest, and your approval proves that it was the right thing to do, both for the process and morally.
I hope that others who may be struggling with the same question read to the end to see how it turned out.
Thought I'd update the thread now I'm approved More for people doing a search than anything.
They didn't even ask me any questions about it.
Just goes to show. (not sure what it goes to show but anyway...)
When the time comes for me to fill in the forms, I'll have a couple of teenage mistakes to mention, so this thread is very reassuring.
no need to worry nickname... we hand out forms for people to fill in prior to a meet with questions like "please disclose all previous history of drug use" and we all know you're going to be honest, don;t we?
On the other hand you will know we are mostly seasoned liars and will wonder just what exactly lurks in our past (and present....)
Yes I rather thought I might come over as a woman with something in her mind if I hid it
And I am going to update but this is a name change (and a cunning one at that) because one day I think I'll meet everyone at some support network and I don't want you all thinking 'Ah here comes the druggie'
Thanks for the advice - popping off to get back into a respectable nickname...
I think this was the right thing. And am pleased they seem to have taken a pragmatic approach. Also - you might have given off the wrong vibes about it all and they might have thought you were trying to hard something else.
phew!! ... honesty always the best option... I think you did the right thing.. all part of our colourful backgrounds!!
Good luck with the rest of the process... x
Keep updating us as you go through the process
So I saw my SW yesterday and 'fessed up and she was great Basically thanked me for my honesty (a lot) and said it wasn't an issue. Such a relief.
Not approved yet but it's a real weight off my mind.
I put it on the form. Enough professionals - including my GP told me they weren't certain but they guessed it was too long ago to be seem as relevant once we'd discussed it - me and my SW I mean.
Don't know if it's OK yet though.
Will keep you posted. If it is OK I mean - if it isn't I'll be running away and hiding.
Unused nickname - can I ask what you ended up deciding to do?
I would say do not mention as not relevant. Some social workers are fab and will understand that this in no way is a reflection on who you are now BUT some are terribly judgmental on stuff like this and it could go against you unfortunately. You do not know who you will be allocated sadly. Good luck x
I think I'd be honest.
A foster child in my local authority was in the middle of being moved to kinship care when it came out that the relative she was moving to had previously used amphetamines. The whole thing broke down immediately. They said it wasn't that the relative had used drugs that was the issue, it was the lying as that meant they questioned everything else discussed in the assessment.
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