Going back to work - how soon?

[Hels20]

This is my first post so please be gentle with me! After 6.5 years of trying to have a child, hubby and I are shortly going to welcome a little boy of 2.5 years into our home - he is due to arrive some time in November.

Unfortunately, I have had rather a tumultuos year and lost my job in February - when I had hoped to work until our child came to us and I would then take adoption leave. DH is quite a bit older than me - and it was always our intention that I would take a year off and then review the work situation and probably go back to work 3 or 4 days a week (or go back 4 days a week and work one day from home). Eventually, DH would be the stay at home Dad (he is amazing with children and so kind and patient and children always love being around him).

Please don't everyone say "Why are you having a child if you are thinking about going back to work?" Of course, I don't know how I will feel but I am trying to be practical and because I will have already had 9 months off before DS comes to live with us and because my husband's job is not 100% secure any more because the company he works for is about to be sold and because I have a greater earning capacity - IF DH lost his job and I managed to find one sooner than he did, it might be that I go back to work after 9 months - rather than take a full year off (I will have already been out of the work place for 18 months)

Anyway - did anyone who has adopted go back to work? Did anyone go back sooner than a year? Of course, naturally, the child comes first - but I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this.

Everyone seems so amazing and I am very scared about all of this but excited too. But also trying to be practical - DH and I cannot live on nothing if he loses his job too (circumstances change...and we have been on this adoption process for 2.5 years...)

Thanks everyone.

[Happiestinwellybobs]

First of all congratulations :)

Secondly it sounds a very difficult situation: adoption is stressful enough without other worries at this time.

To answer your question, I returned to work after 9 months. I did however return on a part time basis, as I felt that was best for DD. Me returning to work suited DD - she needs the stimulation of other children, and being stuck with me all day every day would have driven us both crazy :)

That being said, there were a couple of weeks when she had a huge wobble at nursery when she first started, where I thought I was going to have to give up work.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that your situation and your proposal to return will depend very much on your DS.

Good luck :)

[Kewcumber]

I went back partime much sooner than a year although subsequently regretted going back so quickly (after about 4 months I worked 2 days then 3 days then 4 days) so back 4 days a week within 6 months.

As wellybobs says its difficult to be prescriptive until you have a child hoe, also I would say that the difficulties will be minimised if you are planning to swap one primary carer for another.

You may find it difficult to find you new DS becoming more bonded to your DH after having been primarily bonded to you but that doesn't necessarily mean its bad for you child. There is no inherent reason (as far as I know) why a male primary carer shouldn't be just as good for a childs bonding and attachment.

Of course you need to have financial security. No-one on the adoption board is going to say "Why are you having a child if you are thinking about going back to work?" to you for considering what your options are!

[Hels20]

Thanks Kewcucumber and Happiest. Sorry if I sounded defensive - I remember being really worried after I lost my job and surfing the net and came across some very harsh posts about going back to work too soon (admittedly not on this website and with birth children). I have just been quite worried about my lack of job - and how long it has taken to find the right child and not being able to get another job because I knew we would be adopting soon. Of course, I might not go back to work but with the stress of the uncertainty of DH's job hanging over me - I was beginning to worry. And I know that when we first applied to adopt and on our PAR, I said that I would take a year off work at least. (If I did go back to work, I would be lucky enough to afford a nanny.)

As with any part of our lives - we have to work out what is right at the time. Very difficult to predict.

The count down is on until DS comes to live with us. We have to go to matching panel and then the introductions start. He should be in our home by end of November...Yikes...

[Italiangreyhound]

Congratulations, I am sure it will work out fine.

Try not to worry and just see how it goes.

I think one of the main concerns about going back to work is about child care so if he would be looked after by your husband or if you could work from home this may not be so much of an issue.

I hope it all works out well.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Firstly, welcome on board and many congratulations!!

I went back to work after about nine months, so DD was about 2yo at that point. I had originally planned to take a year off but the last few months would have been unpaid and DD had settled really well. I don't regret going back when I did.

I think you have to be flexible and do what is right for your family in the circumstances at the time. A nanny might not be right, but a nursery may be an option, if both you and DH are working.

[JammieMummy]

I will add to the congratulations!!

I think it very much depends on your child, how well they are settling and who you are leaving them with. I returned to work 7 months after DD was placed (but only part time) however she was in a good routine, we had live in help who continued that routine for her (so the only change was that Mummy didn't do certain parts of the routine on some days) DH works from home 3 days a week so was there to reassure her and we ensured that we were the only people to do "primary care" so that she didnt attach to anyone else. A similar situation is going to happen when I go back to work after adopting our DS (I am going back to work slightly sooner as finances are an issue for us and he has settled even better).

If you are leaving your DS with his Dad then I see no reason why you couldnt go back to work whenever you like. I have friends where the DH has been the primary care giver, it is no different from you staying at home and DH returning to work after 3 weeks paternity leave, ust the roles are reversed. I would be a bit more careful if you plan to put DS in a nursery or get a childminder to look after them.

I am sure everything will work out and also you do not know what you will want ot do once he is placed with you (some people never want to go back to work, others find work a welcome break from their LO ).

[snail1973]

just wanted to say that i went back to work after 6 months and left DH at home with our DD. It all worked well. SW understood my need to go back (earning potential and bonus that we would have been mad to turn down). Don't think I could have done it if DH had been working, but every situation is different. I am sure you will work out what is best for you and your new DS.
Good luck