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Activity days

(35 Posts)
Italiangreyhound Thu 03-Oct-13 09:06:48

Our local authority has an activity day where prospective adoptive parents and children looking for forever families can meet in an informal setting. Can anyone who has experience of these either as an adoptive parent, a social worker, or even as a child adopted themselves (would be fabulous to hear from someone in that position if possible, please) be able to comment, please?

Do you have any info on the children beforehand?
Do you see any pictures?
What happens?
How longs does it last?
What type of place does it happen in?
How are the expectations of the children and adults handled?
What happens if the child likes the look of a family/ a person who does not choose them?

If this information is at all sensitive or confidentual, please PM me.


Italiangreyhound Sun 13-Oct-13 01:32:05

Thanks Devora.

Devora Sat 12-Oct-13 23:46:08

I don't have any experience of these events, IGH, but will be fascinated to hear how you get on and what you thought of it.

Best of luck x

Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Oct-13 23:32:34

mummyof2munchkins thanks so much that sounds great.

Can I ask why you did not take your son? Feel free to PM me.

I must admit after all I have read I don't have any fears that the children will be made to perform or anything. For what I have read on the Internet and heard by speaking to the BAAF lady it sounds like the kids have lots of fun.

I must admit it can be a bit impersonal thinking of the children very much in the kind of abstract. I even felt guilty looking at pictures on Be my Parent. Today in the car it dawned on me (again) this little one will be my child! It is so hard to get my head around. I am both excited and filled with trepidation.

mummyof2munchkins Sat 12-Oct-13 22:33:59


We attended an event several months ago as part of the BAAF trial. We were very sceptical, decided not to take our BS along and actually had a code word for "this isn't right - lets go". We worried that children would be expected to perform for adoptive parents to choose. The reality was very different. It was very well organised - there were children awaiting adoption playing alongside foster children and birthchildren. It would have been difficult for the children to understand who was who.

We had a great deal of fun playing will all of the children. We didn't find our child there but it did help us to remember that this very difficult adoption process is about children rather than lists of issues we can or can't deal with.

I recommend you attend and if you feel uncomfortable leave early. You will be given a list of children waiting for a link so you can express an interest at any point. If you find you have chemistry and are interested in finding out more about a child you can immediately speak to the FC and SW. This is a unique opportunity for you and the child.

Very best of luck.

allthingswillpass Sat 12-Oct-13 17:12:52

No prospective families took children to the BAAF one we attended.
They run one in East Midlands - might be worth a look.

Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Oct-13 01:22:37

They do allow birth children to come, so must have calculated that it will not be harmful for the looked after children there, which is, of course, a main concern of mine and the reason I was not so in favour of adoption activity days!

However, now I have read more about them they do seem a very good way of getting to meet children and for children to find a forever family.

Thanks to all who have shared their views or experiences.

Still very keen to hear from people who have actually been to them, either as prospective parents or social workers, or children, please.

Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Oct-13 01:18:45

Thanks Kristina.

Why do you say don't take DD?

I can't see a problem with taking DD. I would not want to tell her exactly what it was about and would not want her to feel in any way she could choose a child. Of course that would not be right for her or the other children. That would probably lead to hurt feelings on her part etc. She might end up playing with a child her own age and then being upset we could not adopt someone her own age (which, of course, we cannot do and do not wish to do).

However, she would only know what it was about if we told her. Which we would not do.

We would say it was a party, we could say that it was for families involved in adoption but again she would have no idea the children were there with their foster carers and not their birth or adopted families. I think. She would be there with us so would probably assume that all the other kids were in the same boat. We have done a parenting course without her so we could say this was a party with her for adoptive families, which is true - but not the whole truth!

Her reading is so bad she would not be able to read a sign or pick up anything and know what it was about. So unless they actually told everyone what was going on, she would not know, in my opinion.

Anyone been and taken their birth child?


KristinaM Mon 07-Oct-13 23:27:20

And your approval date is the date the decision was ratified by the agency decision maker . That may or may not be your panel date, it Depends if he /she was present at the panel . It's NOT when they write a letter or you get it

KristinaM Mon 07-Oct-13 23:21:17

No don't take DD. DEFO NOT. And don't tell her or anyone else you are going either. ( I mean friends and family) . Otherwise they will drive you mad asking questions you can't answer. Because of course you must tell no one anything about the kids you meet there

Sorry I don't know about your other question

Italiangreyhound Mon 07-Oct-13 22:56:02

And do we take DD (aged 9)????????

Italiangreyhound Mon 07-Oct-13 22:55:50

Thanks Lilka. Very helpful. I am reading Be my parent but trouble is we only got approved a few weeks ago. I guess they take it from you getting the letter, not the actual panel, so it is under a month ago and am assuming that we have to wait 3 months, otherwise I might be contacting Be my Parent!

Also could we attend an activity day in a different county, and how do you find out when they are on?

Lilka Mon 07-Oct-13 22:30:26

Some people have concerns about some of the aspects on these events, but I don't think a prospective parent thinking of going to one should be put off by them. The event is going to go ahead with or without you there after all! The only difference is whether you go or not. So I'd just base your decision on what you feel comfortable with or think might help you

Lilka Mon 07-Oct-13 22:27:14

You know, Italian, if I had had the opportunity to attend an activity day when I was searching for a match, I think I would have done it. But then, I was very 'proactive' about the process - I was searching through BMP/CWW myself and identifying children I was interested in etc, rather than my SW doing all the initial selecting

How do you feel about the idea of going to an event right now? If you'd be interested in it, since your LA are the ones running it, your SW could maybe answer your questions for you, about how it all works and what the children are told etc?

I get the impression that most people who go along to one are a bit terrified...and why wouldn't you be?! But if you think it might help you or even find you your child, it could be very worth it for you.

Italiangreyhound Mon 07-Oct-13 20:41:37

Bloomin' heck... lump in throat indeed!

Quoting because it is so quote-worthy!

"I came into the day fearing that the children would be “difficult” in some way. In fact, I fell in love many times over. This is a common side effect of the days: even if matches are not found, it makes people more confident about adopting, and apparently the children are reassured, too. Both sides, the adopters and adoptees, see the love within one another.
I thought the event would be harder on the children. But they seem genuinely thrilled: enthusiastic consumers of both a slap-up tea and a magic show at the end of the day. The next step is for adopters to register their interest in a child with their social worker. Ten days after the event, 34 children had at least one interested adopter, who will now embark on the usual matching process, including the release of detail about the child’s background.
If the experts involved recommend a match, they could have a new family in a matter of months. One set of sisters, aged 4 and 7, and one five-year-old boy, have already been approved as definite matches and are due to move in with their “forever families” by the end of summer. More will follow.
No, it is the pain of the adopters that haunts me now. I won’t forget the princessy four-year-old, but neither will I forget the would-be mother in the pink top who was drawn to the princessy girl.
“Up until now, the adoption process has been hypothetical. This is the first time we have seen real live humans, which is lovely,” she says smiling, but with her eyes sad. “I prefer it this way but it’s hard. My fear is falling in love today and that child going to someone else. On paper you don’t get to hold their hand. Or smell their hair.”

Italiangreyhound Mon 07-Oct-13 20:35:05

Reading that article, [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/a1805818-The-lump-in-throat-piece-about-adoption-parties-in-Times here]

This bit makes sense....

"“When I first heard about it, like everyone who first hears about it, I wasn’t completely sure,” Shah tells me.
“My greatest worry was that children would come home with a sense of rejection. That’s the risk. But anything we do carries risk, the risk is also that they stay in care. So my next thought was how do we minimise the risk for the children as much as possible? By preparing really well.”

Italiangreyhound Mon 07-Oct-13 20:11:56

Thanks for all your input. I read one positive thing and think 'great' sounds good then I read the opposite view and think 'oh no!'. I guess I need to feel happy in my own mind before I go on such an event.

I personally feel there may be some ages where it works better. Perhaps also some kids it works better with.

I guess in my heart I still feel that what would be 'safer' for the kids is for them to be filmed at a party, or interviewed etc if older and to not really be aware what it was for etc etc and for however many people to see that film and the kids not to know how many had seen it. Kids nowadays are not so scared about being filmed as we might have been! Recording people's faces and voices is all very standard for kids and so I am guessing it would be easier than actually having people present.

Still, as others have pointed out, it gets results, the results we all want, children to find families.

Moomoomie Mon 07-Oct-13 19:22:01

Oh Lilka. You have expressed it all so much better than I, but that is exactly what I was thinking, especially after watching an American tv show about it.

Lilka Mon 07-Oct-13 18:54:26

There was a chat thread about a Times piece on Adoption Activity Days - here

As I said on that thread, I DO have some concerns about activity days. Based off my own children's opinions and personalities, but also off speaking to American adoptive parents who went to activity days.

I am aware of the benefits.

But equally I am concerned for the children, especially the older ones. My DD1, if she had been at an adoption party aged 9/10, would absolutely have known what was going on. At the very least, she would have picked up on the atmosphere - the prospective parents would almost certainly be giving off nervous/slightly stressed vibes she would have reacted to.

The article quoted on the chat thread includes a quote from a SW, I went to Massachusetts to study how they did it before we started here. An 11-year-old boy asked me if I could adopt him, and I said I couldn’t. I later saw him chatting with a family who did adopt him. He was very determined

When talking online to the American parents, this came up quite a bit. The kids aged about 7+ knew what was going on, and they started being negatively affected by it, especially when they felt rejected. Most of the kids went "parent shopping" as the adopters termed it. What that 11 year old boy was doing. The kids realised they had to act a certain way to entice the prospective parents to come talk to them and play with them. No being upset or angry, be charming, smile, have a few sentences ready about yourself, maybe even ask the parents outright whether they'd like to adopt you?

That makes me feel really sad and a bit sick. It's a terrible position to put a child in.

So I think they need to be very careful about having older kids there. Which seems counterproductive, because I want more older children to be found homes and apparently these parties are pretty successful with that

I'm not sure what the answer is. But I'm wary of anything which will negatively impact on the children

Moomoomie Mon 07-Oct-13 12:22:35

I am sure you are right, it is just my pre conceived ideas that I need to work on. Too much American tv !
And, yes, my oldest dd is hyper vigilant, it is something we noticed when she first came home. She is now 14 and is much better, it has taken lots of work and patience from both herself and us.
I know anything that helps match children who are waiting with prospective new families is good.

KristinaM Sun 06-Oct-13 22:32:09

This was an agency that had regular social events for children. So I don't think they children could possibly guess that the couple sitting having a cup of tea with their FC at a Christmas party were actually prospective adopters rather than other foster carers. It's not like they had a sign around their neck !

The kids are too busy playing to notice. My children are all school age now and they show zero interest in who I speak to at social events . TBH I would think that a 2.5 year old who was asking all about who someone was and why you were talking to them was hyper vigilant .

I think it's easy to image in like its some hideous American beauty parade for toddlers. In reality it's just like going to a child's birthday party at soft play or a brownie picnic in the park and chatting to other adults while the kids play .

And it's not about children being chosen or not. The experience of these events is that it makes prospective adopters open to children they had not considered before. The matching is still done by the agency panel, it's just another part of the same process that done in every agency.

Moomoomie Sun 06-Oct-13 20:28:46

Do you really think the children don't know what is going on? I suppose if the children ar under three they possibly wouldn't have a clue, but slightly older children especially if they know that their SW is looking for a new family for them, may guess what is happening.
My oldest dd was two and a half when she came home, but was so aware of everything going on around her, I question whether she would have guessed.
I suppose, in my minds eye I am picturing these children who desperately want a new family thinking they have not been "chosen"
I'm sure if it is organised with a lot of tact and compassion it would be very beneficial, but, we all know that a lot of SW's are not good with tact!

KristinaM Sun 06-Oct-13 20:05:25

The ones I know about -the children had no idea what it was about. They just attended an agency social event with their Fcs. Eg summer picnic, Christmas party, soft play . Prospective adopters only brought their children if they were young enough to not question what it was about. As far as all the kids were concerned it was just a fun day out

They get very good results for hard to place kids.

KippyVonKipperson Sun 06-Oct-13 19:04:42

No problem, glad you found it helpful. Best of luck on your journey

Italiangreyhound Sun 06-Oct-13 01:49:34

That article is so well written and moving I have linked to it at


Thanks again * KippyVonKipperson*

Italiangreyhound Sun 06-Oct-13 01:29:38

Thanks KippyVonKipperson.

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