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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Waiting... for match... who else is waiting... twiddling thumbs and needing guidance!

32 replies

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2013 19:19

Waiting... for match... who else is waiting... twiddling thumbs and needing guidance!

Any suggestions how not to go mad! Please.

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Choccyjules · 01/10/2013 19:24

Can't wait along with you but you can remind me how old is BC and how old a child you are hoping to meet?
Just to take your mind off it!

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Kewcumber · 01/10/2013 19:24

No suggestions. I went a bit mad.

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Broodymomma · 01/10/2013 19:57

We have just been linked and I feel even worse waiting for it to be a official match lol. The waiting never seems to end. Hope it comes quick for you

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Devora · 01/10/2013 20:00

Very worst part of the whole process. I went a bit beserk too. The only thing that helped was moving house - the new area of stress worked like banging your thumb with a hammer to distract from a stubbed toe.

Praying that your wait will be a short one...

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Lilka · 01/10/2013 20:25

What Kew said!

eg. when BMP would come through the letterbox, I would be THERE instantly, and everything else I had planned for the next hour or two would be out of the window). Other signs of madness include staring at my calender everytime I had to write something on it, going "what's my childs birthday going to be? What about that day? What if it's today?", staring at the primary school children coming home from school, observing all their actions and appearances and wondering how that compares to the child i don't know about yet, staying awake at night thinking about matching, wanting to bring up adoption in most conversations, whilst simultaneously not wanting anyone to talk adoption and say 'hey Lilka, any news on your child yet?" and spending ages looking through catalogues of kids clothes which is useless until you have a match

Fill your time as much as possible. Nothing worse than sitting around because your mind goes to matching automatically.

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Devora · 01/10/2013 20:37

It's having your life on hold, isn't it? In some ways it was better than the years I spent trying to get pregnant, measuring out my life in fortnightly cycles (because I was reasonably confident I WOULD get a match one day, whereas I was far less confident that I would get pregnant). But in some ways it was worse, because at least when ttc you get two weeks per month when you know not to have your hopes up, and at least you can reasonably plan for the next few months.

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Kewcumber · 01/10/2013 21:03

I read a LOT of adoption websites and cried a lot whilst reading them.
I learnt Russian.
I went a bit mad.

Hope that helps...

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Bananaketchup · 01/10/2013 21:19

What I found hardest was my intense jealousy of other adopters getting linked/matched. As time went on (my wait from approval panel to being linked was over a year) I just couldn't hack contact with people from my prep who all had their children home, and I dropped out of some courses I'd signed up for because every one I went to seemed to be attended solely by adopters who had been approved months after me and instantly linked with the age and profile of child I was waiting for, and/or foster carers who would tell me about the lovely children they were caring for who were within my approval criteria who SWs couldn't find adopters for.

I'm not recommending any of this as a good plan, just that it helped me because I felt like I was rubbing my own nose in what others had and I didn't until I steered clear of other prospective or new adopters. What I'm trying to say is, do what helps you.

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Italiangreyhound · 02/10/2013 22:21

ChoccyJules tanks DD is 9 and we are hoping to adopt a child 0-5.

Devora I can't move, moving hose was just about the most stressful thing I have ever done.

Kew I am not yet at the mad stage - but wait until I am wearing bacon as a hat and sleeping on top of the shed and I will be!

Banana sorry your journey was so hard. Yet now your little ones are home with you. I hope so much you have all the care and support you need because you sound great and I am sure some of that waiting year will come in useful in the future. I am not saying it is all meant to be or anything - I don't think like that, but I hope some of that experience has been helpful to you. I hope my fertility and infertility experiences will be helpful to me, but I know that I went through a time of wanting to avoid friends who had kids and more kids and were having another baby etc!

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Maryz · 02/10/2013 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 02/10/2013 23:57

Mary thank my dear but sadly our budget is more weekend in Bournemouth than fortnight in the Maldives and I can already hear my hubby saying "Weekend in Bournemouth, can we afford it!"

Also we have a birth DD (now 9) so also life does just need to trundle on. I also want to just trundle on, DH s painting the kitchen, and I am trying to work under control so I can hand over my notes and walk out for a year's adoption leave. A thing I would find stressful if you said do that tomorrorw!

And yet, I am also so keen to meet our new one.

I do feel guilty as I have a really fun work trip next month and I am also pleased nothing has happened so I can go on the work trip (only few days). So of course I now feel guilty for wanting to go to the work trip and also gulity for not wanting the placement to start yet, and of course another part of me wants it to start!

So it is all guilt and stress! Sounds like a fair portion of motherhood! No, let's be positive, motherhood is like a potpouri of things, good and bad but overwhelmingly good. I guess it is the waiting I hate and the stress of wondering if we will make the right decision. I am not sure if we will say yes to the first child offered and feel it was right or wait and feel we are doing the wrong thing!!!

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MooseyMouse · 03/10/2013 06:25

Hiya

It's worth getting really proactive. Go on the exchange days (see Adoption Register website for dates), go on the activity days (where you meet the kids - several planned - see BAAF website for details).

Make an eye-catching profile with loads of pictures and a bit about yourself and send it out. Even call some family finders. If you see a profile you like in BMP or CWW, call the child's social worker for a chat.

Good luck. It'll happen soon. X

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RudolphLovesoftplay · 03/10/2013 06:37

Nothing helpful to add, sadly I went a bit bonkers as well Having said that we were provisionally matched really quickly after approval, it was the wait for the official match at panel that sent me nuts!!

Does your area offer training sessions? We did loads of them in the gap.

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Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2013 09:07

Thanks MooseyMouse those suggestions are very good. I did look on Be my Parent. Our county council can make our profile available after three months, it has only been 2 weeks since we had the official letter and a month since panel, so I don't think we will go on the national register until after Christmas.

Also, I know this will sound odd but I am kind of hoping they will find a match for us and it will feel more like it is meant to be! I am worried if I choose from a list or see photos I will be swayed by things like how they look, whether they are a boy or girl or their ethnicity etc. I would like to be really open and the easiest way to be open seem to not know! Does that sounds daft.

Actually our area has an activity day next year and I will almost certainly go on it if not matched (with DH) but wonder how it works and would love to hear more. have started a thread about it is anyone wants to comment, please.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/1871167-Activity-days

Thanks Rudolph.

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Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2013 09:08

PS Our county council letter included a letter about good it is to stay with them and how we can access better help or post adoption support if we adopt through them.

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RudolphLovesoftplay · 03/10/2013 10:53

That's true Italian, our adoption support has been fab. I know not everyone has the same experience, but I can't fault ours.

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maya03 · 27/11/2013 20:06

We were approved Sept 2012 for a sibling group of 2 ages 5-11 long term & we're still waiting! To be fair we did get a match back in June but it was a very slow process because of Social workers summer holidays, we should have been meeting the children in Sept but the placement couldn't go ahead after certain behaviour from one of the children. So now we're back to square one, our SSC has suggested we go dual approved so we could take short term, we did agree to this but we think we'll hold out for what we feel more comfortable providing.

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KristinaM · 29/11/2013 17:33

I like Kews suggestion best. Learn Russian

? ???????, ??? ??? ??????? ????????? ??????

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Lilka · 29/11/2013 17:44

The boards support Russian now? I remember when there used to be threads titled 'how many foreign languages do we know on MN' and half the posters would try and write in Russian/Chinese/Hindi, and only a stream of random &'''''&^ would be posted because the boards couldn't handle it!

??????? ?? ?? ?? ?????

(is that right, or hopelessly wrong?)

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KristinaM · 29/11/2013 17:48

It's good I think :-)

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KristinaM · 29/11/2013 17:51

< mumsnet is dragged, screaming, into the 21st century >

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Lilka · 29/11/2013 17:52

???!

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Lilka · 29/11/2013 17:53

It's great to have a mate (named Google) who can write in Russian

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KristinaM · 29/11/2013 19:01

But how did you know what I said ?

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Lilka · 29/11/2013 20:13

I would love to let everyone believe I know some Russian! It would make me seem more intelligent Unfortunately I have to be honest....

I copied and pasted what you wrote into a Russian-English translator. Then double checked with another translator. Then translated my English response into Russian and double checked that (I don't trust these translators at all!)

The only Russian I genuinely know is hello, goodbye, yes, no, spring (!) and a few other random words I picked up off a Russian friend