Extended family question

[Harriet099]

My brother and wife have adopted 2 children, 5 months later I've still not been allowed to meet them and don't think I will in the foreseeable future. Is this normal? I've not seen my brother either and he's not been over to see his nieces. His wife is apparently going by the book which means they meet one family a member a month. Can anyone explain why this is. They've met loads of their friends and even members of my partner's family. I asked if we happen to bump into them in the street what would they do and said they would have to hide them.

[Kewcumber]

I'm not sure there is a normal when it comes to adoption particularly with a sibling group. And you don't say how old the children are.

I'm not sure there is a "book" that recommends one family member a month but they may have a lot on their plate and perhaps there's a reason why they don't feel up to introducing you yet? Its generally recommended to keep new people to a minimum because adopted children have had a traumatic change though saying they would hide them sounds a bit odd.

Is your relationship with your brother and his wife generally good? If so just drop them and email saying you understand they need to restrict new visitors but that you're looking forward to meeting their new family when they are ready.

Presumably your brother hasn't been to see your children because he has other priorities at the moment and for some reason doesn't feel able to take time out to visit.

[KristinaM]

Hi Harriet and welcome to mumsnet

[flossymuldoon]

We were advised to space out introductions to new people out by 6 weeks and to keep our world very small to get to know each other, help teach him that we were his primary carers, to help the attachment process and to help him heal from the loss of his foster carers.

We didn't quite do 6 weeks but we did space them out. After a couple of months we slipped up and saw 2 sets of new people in one weekend, and we paid the price. The anxiety levels of our DS went through the roof, his behaviour deteriorated and we took a big step backwards. So after that we stuck to the guidelines we'd been given.

Incidentally, our DS has been with us 2+ years and he still struggles with meeting 'couples'. He can't articulate why but we have come to the conclusion that he thinks it might be introductions to his new family and that he might be moving on. We sussed it out after one time that friends came on an evening and he went loopy. He only calmed right down once we put his PJs on (as he probably figured that they wouldn't be taking him anywhere with his PJs on!). So, the next time they came we put his PJs on more or less as soon as they arrived and there were no problems.

Please be patient with them. The early weeks are TOUGH. We found out who our true friends were during those early days.