Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Random vent about Things Other People Say

(205 Posts)
ColdfeetPinksocks Wed 21-Aug-13 15:04:02

I've already decided to try to not get cross when Other People say things like we're brave doing this or my children will be lucky to have us (really? lucky??) or mention their 'real mum' meaning someone other than me. I reckon that trying to edumucate most people on those things will just lead to me being snappish and that whilst they're ignorant of a lot of stuff about adoption they mean well.

But I am so, so, SO bored of hearing about how 'we won't know what's hit us'. Yes, believe it or not we did give it some thought. Quite a lot of thought actually. I'm aware that becoming a parent will alter my lifestyle. GAHHHH!!

(They don't say this to pg people do they? If they do, I'll eat my random venty hat.)

holycowwhatnow Tue 24-Dec-13 21:06:52

Had a visitor yesterday evening at dd's bedtime so she was tired, cranky and destructive. I was trying to catch her to put her into her PJs and she wasn't cooperating. My visitor said 'Let your Mammy put your PJs on or she'll be getting another little girl from Russia.' I know this woman well and was not shocked that she would say something stupid like this. She's the foster mother of the child (now adult) that we provided respite foster care to for 10 years. Said child (now adult) has attachment disorder and her FM has said horrendous things to her over the years.

DD didn't seem to hear her, or didn't act as though she had but I just said 'DD is our girl forever, we don't want any other girl' because it was the first thing I could think of.

Stupid woman.

KristinaM Fri 20-Dec-13 08:53:30

Attachment problem in dogs

Kewcumber Thu 19-Dec-13 17:06:30

Hmmm I wonder when I'm having issues with DS's anxiety again I should in fact be contacting Battersea Dogs home rather than our social worker. AS they are such experts n'all

Lilka Thu 19-Dec-13 13:56:28

I avoid school play photo threads like the plague now. I saw the one you were on though moomoomie the utter cheek of that person who said you were 'exaggerating' shock

I saw a profile of a dog up for 'adoption' a year or so ago (no, we're not getting a dog!) and the rescue/rehoming centre said this dog needed experienced owners because she had attachment issues and behavioural problems. I had to read the words 'attachment issues' a few times before my mind stopped boggling

If we've got the stage where rescue centres can identify dogs and cats with attachment issues, but some professionals and many people still think human children don't get attachment issues or can just 'get over it' we have a problem?

Buster51 Thu 19-Dec-13 13:38:25

Some of the biggest bug bears I've faced since adopting DS (age 4) is people not really taking it as serious as a "birth child". Has anyone else found this?! For example my workforce fully support woman who leave to give birth, tons of gifts well wishes & the like, baby showers you name it. For me adopting a child I felt I only really got asked questions from people wanting to fish for information! "So he's your partners nephew? What is wrong with his mum" etc etc.

As well as the "surely you won't need all that time off work after all he will be in school"! Prior to his placement with us I actually started thinking that way myself! But my god I have needed the time off! It is equally as life changing as giving birth surely!

But I have to say my entire family were 100% supportive & love him to bits, he is very much a grandchild & 7th great grandchild :-)

Where I live in quite a small village I do struggle knowing how much/how little information I should tell them! When they say things like where has he been hiding for 4 years (I front of him!)

Moomoomie Thu 19-Dec-13 12:09:50

Know what you mean Kew.... I got caught up in a thread about photos of the nativity.... When will I learn?

Kewcumber Thu 19-Dec-13 11:15:50

And i know we've done "adopt a snow leopard" to death over the years but have just seen a thread on it again and am sitting on my hands not to post "oh have you read all about attachment issues and foetal alcohol syndrome" because that would just be childish and unnecessary...

Kewcumber Thu 19-Dec-13 11:14:00

They ones who are so blind to other people when pregnant are generally the ones who look at you blankly and don't say anything when you finally tell everyone that you're matched. One "friend" dropped me completely when I told her in a Christmas card that I was adopting - she told another friend it was because she didn;t know what to say?! confused Erm... Congratulations?

Sadly being pregnant or a parent doesn't mysteriously make you empathetic!

namechangesforthehardstuff Wed 18-Dec-13 23:00:20

Buy some inthebeginning. Buy loads. And then insert them one by one...

OOOOOOh I hate hate hate the smugly pregnant. Hate 'em grin

Moomoomie Wed 18-Dec-13 08:24:35

Inthebeginning..... Some people get so caught up in the excitement of pregnancy, they forget what's is happening around them. I had it happen to me all the time. I used to work with many woman with the majority being of child bearing age!
Smile and say congratulations through gritted teeth.

5HundredUsernamesLater Wed 18-Dec-13 00:03:53

I've been reading this thread and panicking. Someone I know has just adopted and I've been wracking my brains and going over past conversations wondering if I've ever said anything to her that would have upset her. I hope not but thank you all, this thread has really made me think.

KristinaM Tue 17-Dec-13 23:14:23

Well that's just weird innit hmm

Inthebeginning Tue 17-Dec-13 19:50:00

I have no children, I was working with her during my fertility treatment. we go to adoption panel in January.

KristinaM Tue 17-Dec-13 18:41:38

Maybe she remembers that you have kids but has forgotten how they arrived? Which is a good thing IMHO

Inthebeginning Tue 17-Dec-13 17:33:05

I know I'm whining about this one as it's so petty BUT: my boss told me yesterday she's pregnant. Got shown the scan, told the story of how she did the pregnancy test etc etc. ....and then was saying how she didn't believe the one so "for future reference inthe buy a multi pack of pregnancy tests" for when I do what exactly? stir my tea with them? ?????

Devora Mon 18-Nov-13 19:28:52

Yep, I would definitely read that as them being picked up off the streets by police because they were running wild.


Lilka Mon 18-Nov-13 19:14:39

Okay, so I'm helping a prospective mum who wants to adopt an older child/ren "read between the lines" of childrens profiles - she's in the US and looking at public photolistings, very like "Be My Parent"

One of the profiles is of two sisters - now, social worker language is sometimes vague and annoying, but sometimes it's downright inexplicably stupid. I have NEVER seen anyone use this before. It describes the girls being taken into care with the words, "They were detained in 2011 because of physical abuse by their birth mother and lack of supervision"

Detained?! Really?! Detained is what happens when you get arrested. It makes foster care and adoption sound like a punishment. We detained them for getting abused?

I might be being oversensitive but I don't think so. It reminds me of that idiot I talked about who asked me what DD1 did to get herself taken into care

Kewcumber Wed 13-Nov-13 19:55:44

James Lemming really does have a klaxon in the batcave shock

I agree Maryz very inappropriate thread to bang his drum on.

The problem is there is a lot that could be improved and I do agree with some of what he says - I just can't separate it from some of the drivel.

Lilka Wed 13-Nov-13 18:47:01

<goes off to check JH posts today>

Oh my God - of all the threads to start on, he chose that thread. How helpful to the poor OP. Agh angry

Maryz Wed 13-Nov-13 18:41:12

I saw JH today.

Someone mentioned him on a thread, and within half an hour, there he was spouting shite grin

Lilka Wed 13-Nov-13 18:27:32

Ooh I have another vent

This does count as a 'vent about something other people said' but not something anyone has said to me

I have a facebook account which is a fake name, no pictures, nothing on it really, but I use it to monitor things. One thing I monitor, is a couple of the 'forced adoption brigade' lot, sometimes they plan stupid things and also they run at least one website where they post pictures of adopted children with their dates of birth, full birth names etc and plead with the public to find them, and I'd want to warn someone if their adopted child appeared on there.

So I am reading and a couple of people are planning to print leaflets about "forced adoption" (i hate that phrase so much), then go along to a public adoption information evening, and then hand out the flyers/stick them under people's windscreen wipers, and then disrupt the information evening by shouting out the 'truth' (as they see it...we could also call it 'not-the-truth')

Oooh, I had steam coming out of my ears when I read that, steam I tell you. Grrrrrrr

I might possibly know the email address of one of the SW's at my LA who does a lot of the info evenings, and then prep course stuff, and I might possibly have given her a heads up just in case, because whilst most of the 'FAB' are all talk and no action, some of them really would do it, and I feel like social services should be a step ahead of them. The SW was mildly horrified and annoyed, but at least she won't be blindsided if it ever does happen

Lilka Wed 13-Nov-13 18:18:33

Batcave grin I genuinely don't think JH was Mr @ "I'm spouting random bollocks' guy. @ guy sometimes posts on The Guardian comments, same old drivel. Avoid, avoid, avoid. To be fair, the combination of good mods and short shrift from us means most of our trolls go away very quickly and don't come back

I was reading back posts on another forum, and a certain topic reminded me of something I've been told on a couple of occasions....isn't inapropriate but it was mildly amusing...

A neighbour who met with me and DD1, spent about half an hour with us, during which time DD1 was friendly, sweet and well behaved. As she was leaving, this neighbour says to me how she would love to adopt a girl like DD1

Then, some time after, an acquaintance who met us, and spent a while talking to friendly, sweet and polite DD1 goes to me "I've always wanted a daughter, and I'd just love to adopt an older girl just like your DD1, and given them a home and love with us, with a nice house, and private school, and little brothers!" (she and her husband had two toddler sons)

Oh dear lord <shakes head> <howls with laughter>

And then a couple of times my girls have told someone that they are adopted, the person goes 'how amazing, I'd love to adopt'

Um..yeah right. You have no intention whatsoever of adopting, you just think it sounds nice

Devora Wed 13-Nov-13 17:46:00

Note I am not using full names to avoid setting off klaxons in the batcave.

Devora Wed 13-Nov-13 17:45:30

While we're on the subject of inappropriate, whatever happened to our old mucker JH? Do you think he got bored? Has he got a new crusade?

KristinaM Wed 13-Nov-13 14:37:38

You have a DD kew? How did I miss this? I've only been away for a few weeks ?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now