DH and I have had 3 lovely boys and there are medical reasons why I can't have more children. We are totally happy with our boys and love them more than anything but would both have liked a girl as well. DH has occasionally, but repeatedly over several years, raised the possibility of adoption. He is not the kind of person to do this lightly and it is a serious consideration for him. I am interested, but cautious.
I have two concerns. The first is that, as I understand it, you can't chose your child, but are matched with one by a social worker. Now when I meet people there are some that I take to and some that I don't. Some children I feel that I could love as my own and some I am indifferent to. Often there is no rational reason for these responses. I'm worried that we could be matched with a child who was compatible with us on paper, but which I couldn't connect with emotionally. How much say do you actually get as to whether or not a particular child is right? How well can you get to know them before a decision is made?
My second concern is how an adopted daughter would affect our family dynamic. Our middle son died before he was 1. Our oldest and youngest boys are 3.5 years apart but very close. DS1 is protective of his little brother who revels in being the adored baby of the family. We are closer as a family because of shared loss. Adoption is not an attempt to fill the space left by our son. It does not need filling. I am worried that an adopted daughter would seem like an outsider to our boys, who are such a team, and this would make her feel excluded and them resentful.
Our reasons for considering adoption it that we would like a daughter. We are young - DH and I are both 30 - and there is room in our future for more children. We would like to give a child the chance of a loving family and to enjoy watching her grow. But I have the concerns above. You might think that these makes me unsuited to adoption, and if so I'd rather hear it now than further down the line. Your thoughts would be apreciated, particularly if you have been through the process yourself. Thank you.
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Adoption
Thinking of adopting. Worried about loving.
13 replies
JojoMags · 18/05/2013 21:24
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