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Fostering - advice please

(7 Posts)
Hayleykal Wed 08-May-13 20:18:59

DH and I have decided to take the big step to foster, we are both very excited. DH has a terrible relationship with his ex wife and as a result rarely sees his 4 bio kids. One agency mentioned the possibility of ex references from his ex wife and my ex husband. My story isn't much better, I no longer speak to my ex as our last conversation resulted in me throwing the Xbox at his head, he had mentally abused me for years and I just lost it. It was premeditated by him and he filmed it on his iPhone. I was arrested and got a caution for the incident because of the video. We really are good kind people my incident was an isolated one and DH ex is just malicious she left him for another man but no matter how much money he gives her that he can't really afford she always wants more.will they really ask ex's for references as assume for both of us this will automatically discount us from the process. I am so desperate to make a difference to a child who needs a loving family and am gutted out pasta may come back to haunt us. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you so much in advance.

Roshbegosh Wed 08-May-13 21:40:12

They will certainly find it all out and they will get references from the exes. I think you could just phone and ask whether it would immediately count you out or not. I think it is likely to be a problem but I am a foster carer, not a SW.

TulipsfromAmsterdam Wed 08-May-13 21:57:06

I am a foster carer and soon to be adopter (newly approved). During both assessments my ex dh was contacted, as were my birth children who were interviewed each time. I do know of a male prospective foster carer who was not approved as it was thought his children would be adversely affected so it is worth bearing in mind SS will want to speak to your dh's children.
I think the only way to find out is to speak to LA/Agency and tell them your story and they will let you know for sure. Many people with a 'past' do go on to become foster carer's but each situation will be looked at individually.
Good luck.

Devora Wed 08-May-13 22:08:43

I wouldn't say these factors ruled you out, but they are significant and you will have to really convince the social workers that they are atypical and that you have learned from them and will be able to avoid similar in the future.

Obviously you will have to show that you are not, generally, a violent person or one who has uncontrollable rages. But I'd be a bit more worried about your dh having children he doesn't see. Is that because his ex refuses contact? Clearly they will want to see he isn't a man who just gives up on his own children. EQually, they will want to be sure that he is not applying to foster because of unresolved grief about becoming estranged from his own children.

So prepare yourselves to discuss this, in detail, several times. Don't be defensive; accept and understand why the social workers will want to talk it through.

Hayleykal Fri 10-May-13 13:52:41

Thank you all, much appreciated. We do see DH kids every couple of months but for day visits not overnight as his ex found out if we don't have overnights she gets 33% of his income instead of 25% and her only focus is money. I am also sure the ex won't allow the children to be interviewed as she would do anything to avoid helping us. My ex has moved to USA to get married again so assume main issue will be with DH kids. Thanks very much again smile

Mrpip Sun 12-May-13 22:02:12

I can't comment on your situation but I can talk of the assesment process with some experience.
My husband and I have recently been approved as foster carers. We are also 99% through the sgo & adoption process.
What I can tell you is our LA has left no stone unturned.
It is a very thorough process. My husband and I have been together for 18yrs but part of the assesment was to interview any significant

shockers Sun 12-May-13 22:12:30

My ExH was interviewed and so was our son, who lived with me, but spent two nights a week at his Dad's.

Luckily for me, I had managed to talk it all through with ExH first and put his mind at rest regarding any effect us fostering might have on our son.

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