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post adoption and contact

(3 Posts)
onemoredayplease Sat 13-Apr-13 04:49:40

Adopted my lovely girl over 9 years ago. Initially we had a little letterbox contact but that quickly faded. I was told this was likely to happen as birthmums normal pattern of behaviour is to move away physically and emotionally from things she finds too difficult. Adoption was voluntary and daughter has almost all the info I can give her. Recently daughter been asking a lot more about birthmum- basically she wants to know if she is ok and if she has had more children. I have now discussed this twice with social workers. Each time I have had what I can only describe as a lecture about how not all relationships with birth parents are good- which i am fully aware of. Each time they have promised to try and locate birthmum and come back to me. I have still not heard anything back. This has gone on over several months.
In the meantime I have done some looking around and I know the area of the country she is in and that she has another child. Clearly I would never contact her direct. She has given me the greatest gift and I would never compromise her. But I have a couple of questions.
1. Can social workers not write a very brief letter. Not giving any details but asking her to contact them? If I can find her it really shouldn't be beyond them.
2. What do I tell daughter about sibling. I'm pretty sure she has a younger sibling. Birthmum has some very specific identifying features which make me 99.9% sure that the person I have found is her.
3. Any ideas how I can help daughter with this. She knows once she is old enough to access her records I will support her all the way.
4. Finally any tips on how to get response from social workers? Sorry if that sounds harsh but daughter is my priority and I dont think she is asking for a lot. Just dont know where else to go with this- haven't slept trying to work out what to do.
I should add that daughter is 10 and has no memories of birthmum. She does however have a full life story book so has an understanding of her history and the reasons why she was adopted.

napoleon Sat 13-Apr-13 12:24:16

Firstly I wouldn't tell your daughter anything yet. I would write a letter to the social worker you have dealt with and copy to the senior outlining your concerns and explaining that you have asked for this twice with no response. Lectures are not helpful but I agree with social workers saying these things can be very difficult and need to be handled carefully. I would check out local services or the net for advice, see if someone can take you and your daughter through it. It will be hard for your little girl but also for you and you may bear the brunt of her upset. I'm sure she will wonder why her birth Mother kept the sibling etc.
I hope things work out for you, you are right that you should have answers soon. remember when you put things in writing the have to respond within a small time frame, if you get no joy request their complaints procedure.
all the best.

fasparent Sat 13-Apr-13 12:50:29

Hi , you are in a difficult situation catch 22. But am a great believer if its not broken don't fix it. From experience this situation for us outcome was horrific, though all worked out in the end and children are back on track , sure birthparents had moved on but historic and lifestyle had not soon found out when contact took place. All that glistens is not gold.
Understanding in some situations SS seem to be hesitant , not saying will be the same , have too be open-minded and non judgmental , you are fortunate having time on your side, but advice caution, would be a good idea perhaps too have a independent mentor advocate too speak too your daughter regards everything and perhaps the time is not right would be better too cope with things when she is older and able too understand things better with maturity.
Understand your situation

Kindest regards sure you will do the best either way.

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