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If you have adopted after having your own birth child

(21 Posts)
ChoudeBruxelles Tue 19-Mar-13 21:50:44

Do you honestly feel the same about them. Dh and I are seriously considering adoption (we have one ds) but I worry that I will feel differently.

anonymosity Wed 20-Mar-13 03:35:27

I think if you have your own children there's no telling how you'll feel about each one. You'll feel differently with each child according to temperament, how they respond to you, etc.

I know you mean deeper things - like not spotting genetic similarities to you and your DH or extended family. But I do believe (having adopted children in my own larger family) that you take on may of the traits of those around you.

I have to grown female friends who not only have the mannerisms of their adoptive mothers, but resemble them. Its eery and completely coincidental. And they are very loving and close, most importantly.

anonymosity Wed 20-Mar-13 03:36:11

goodness - bad spelling "many" not "may" and "two" not "to" - apols!

MumtoLaura Wed 20-Mar-13 21:47:17

I have a birth dd (aged 11) and an adopted dd (now 3) who we adopted about 18 months ago. My feelings for dd2 have strengthened over time, and I do love both dds, but I don't feel the same about them. It is totally different to having a birth child and I think adoption preparation could do more to cover this. Having said that I don't regret adopting. I do think it's essential that your birth child is keen to have a sibling. How old is your ds, have you discussed it with them?

Happyasapiginshite Wed 20-Mar-13 21:56:20

I have a birth ds (12) and an adopted dd (2) and I can tell you hand on heart that I love them equally, fiercely. With ds the intense love was immediate, with dd it has strengthened over time but at over a year home with us, I'd kill a bear for her. I worried hugely about this before we adopted dd and talked about it with our SW who was very reassuring. Her answer was that we didn't have to love them the same, we just had to love dd enough. I think she probably knew that it would end up this way but at the time, I needed to hear what she said.

Noone can know how you will feel if and when you adopt a child. A friend of mine who has three (birth) children says she loves them all differently but equally.

MeDented Wed 20-Mar-13 22:02:06

I did it the other way round, adopted DD then had birth DS. I agree, I love them equally fiercely but differently. the difference is more to do with their personalities than how they arrived here and I assume that would be the same with 2 birth children. DD's arrival was so special I almost feel sorry for birth parents that never get to experience the amazing excitement and joy at being matched with an adoptive child smile

Mama1980 Wed 20-Mar-13 22:14:22

My situation is slightly different, I have a dd15 by sgo-in reality she's my goddaughter but she has lived with me for years and I have pr, we consider ourselves mother and daughter. I also have two biological ds s. I adore them all equally but differently. Me and dd went through hell to be approved as a 'match' and she experienced things previously I cannot even bear to tell you, my love for her is fierce and protective I guess in a way in that my ds s (though they were both very prem and had a tough start) don't always need as they've never known anything but love and security. It's different in my experience but totally equal. No one of them is less my child. People always comment actually that dd and I look alike and i must have and her young, I would have been 15 if she were mine biologically- we all just share secret smiles and nod.

ChoudeBruxelles Thu 21-Mar-13 17:35:18

Ds is 6 nearly 7. We haven't really talked to him about it but have talked about why he hasn't got siblings now and he always says he would like one.

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 21-Mar-13 22:36:53

What others have said - I love our two the same but differently as they are very different little people. But definitely love them both completely.

I look at DS and see me looking back, I look at DD and see a little girl far more beautiful than we could ever have made grin. I do sometimes forget that I wasn't pregnant with DD, though, because she's now been with us for longer than she was with her FC and I can't really remember her not being here, IYSWIM.

I agree that it's important that your DS does actually want to be a big brother, and understands (as much as he can) what it means (eg sharing you, having to do babyish things when you go places, well as the benefits of having a sibling for life).

Italiangreyhound Thu 21-Mar-13 22:59:11

Hi ChoudeBruxelles I would like to wish you well on your journey.

We too have a birth child, a DD aged 8.

We are on the adoption journey, just at the start of home study.

I loved our hamster and he was in no way related to me, I love my friends kids and they are not related to me, I had treatment with donor eggs and had that been successful the baby would not have been genetically related to me. They are all bits along the journey (yes hamster is flippant, not meaning to cause offense but I did really love it and DD and I wept buckets when it died this year). The thing is, if someone were to come to and say that there was a mix up at the hospital 8 years ago and DD was not my birth child, would love her any less, and I know I would not. They are all little things that make me think (not know because we are not there yet!) that I will be able to love an adopted child as much as I love a birth child.

They will look different, they may have different mannerisms etc but I do think that a lifetime of experiences and a comittment to love and care will make up for those differences. Also, birth children are only 50% our own DNA (or whatever the maths is) the other half is my other half who looks different from me, acts different from me etc etc. My mum was my biological genetic mum but we look different and act different etc. So sometimes I think biology/genetics is so much only a part of the story.

Thinking all that through has helped me to be a tiny bit prepared but long term I am not sure how it will all pan out. I just know the closer I get to it (the adoption) the more positive and the less concerned I am about stuff like birth verses non-birth... for me there are lots of other issues like what type of child could I parent etc, etc, so I am in no way making light of the enormity of it. Our DD is very positive about it all but we have been lucky in that she is pretty open and luckily she is not too hung up on it all happening soon.

Good luck.

PheasantPlucker Fri 22-Mar-13 07:01:47

It was not the immediate visceral heart stopping love for adopted dd2 after dd1, but it didn't take very long.

My children are very different, I love them differently but equally. Bizarrely, adopted dd2 looks more like me than birth child dd1!

Agree you really must chat with your child to guage how they feel about adopting.

Good luck.

Kewcumber Fri 22-Mar-13 13:30:03

I only have one adopted DS but when I was starting the process to adopt no 2 I was really extremely concerned about how I couldn't possibly love another child as much as I do DS. I think its pretty common.

When you love your child as much as most of us love our DC's it really is hard to contemplate loving another person as much.

I did have to fake it with DS at first - I didn't fall in love with him instantly. Somewhere between 6m and 1 yr I forgot to stress about whether I loved him enough and total adoration came up and bashed me across the back of the head when I wasn't looking at some point after that.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound Fri 22-Mar-13 13:35:12

That's a good point Kew I tried to imagine loving another birth child as much as I love DD, and I can't!

ChoudeBruxelles Sun 24-Mar-13 10:58:36

Those of you who already had a birth child how did they react to the addition of a sibling that didn't one in the traditional way?

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 24-Mar-13 16:26:25

Choude, although DS knows that most people get little brothers and sisters that grow in their mum's tummies, rather than through adoption, he has never had that himself so doesn't really know any different IYSWIM

PheasantPlucker Mon 25-Mar-13 08:12:14

My eldest was desperate for a sibling. She knows that she came from 'in my tummy' but that her sibling didn't, and it hasn't been a big deal - at least not so far. It's just the 'normality' for this family.

The only issue was that dd2 arrived as a walking, talking family addition, rather than a teeny baby who slept a lot!

Devora Thu 04-Apr-13 01:00:43

I've come late to this thread, but just want to add my vote as someone who loves my birth dd and my adopted dd very passionately. They are both fantastic girls, and I'm proud of them both.

They are also great sisters, and claim each other as such quite fiercely - perhaps more so because people always question their relationship (they are different ethnic origins).

jamiesndryliesmammy Wed 28-Aug-13 04:34:23

my adoptive family have a son and lost there daughter to a still birth and then they adopted me and 1 of my sisters they love my sister like they do their son but hate me i thinks its all about the childs attitude to you and the rest off your family i knew they wasnt my family from me being 5years old!

Italiangreyhound Wed 28-Aug-13 10:31:06

jamiesndryliesmammy I'm really sorry to hear your experience of being in an adoptive family.

Italiangreyhound Wed 28-Aug-13 10:32:21

jamiesndryliesmammy thinking of you and hope you will be in a better place emotionally as an adult. I know that sometimes in families there can be all maner of probllems whether or not people are adopted.

aladdinsane Wed 28-Aug-13 19:02:56

I have BS 15 and AD 7
I can honestly say I love them equally- and its a good job because DD is the most challenging child
We talked before adopting and agreed we would treat it as though we had given birth- no going back- once I had committed myself |I felt responsible for DD even though I didnt love her immediately

You have to be so committed and be able to cope with the fact that they may hurt your BC, or they may not like each other- as the parent you cannot favor your BC
They must be equal
My DS regrets that we adopted- his life has been turned upside down but he may have had a sibling with SN and feel the same

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