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Feeling very sad

(18 Posts)
Hayleyh34 Sat 02-Mar-13 22:27:46

We were contacted a few weeks ago and told that our child's birth mother had another baby last summer that is now in care and did we want to be considered to adopt?

For many reasons we had to say no but it has really effected me and I feel like I've been grieving for the loss of future children. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

MoYerBoat Sat 02-Mar-13 22:51:09

You weren't in a position to adopt this child so he or she will hopefully be placed with a person or couple who have been longing for a child and brought them much happiness.

Adopting your DD's half sibling could have been detrimental to her well being.

Lilka Sat 02-Mar-13 23:04:16

It's completely understandable how much this would affect you. I'm sorry you've been put in this position. It's natural to grieve, because this baby is your DC's sibling, and as you said, you're grieving for the loss of future children. But, you've done what's best for your family, that's what you have to do

Italiangreyhound Sun 03-Mar-13 10:14:17

So sorry to hear this but be strong, you did the right thing. The child will get a new family and your family will continue as it has and you are obviously a great mum to your daughter for caring so much.

Hayleyh34 Sun 03-Mar-13 14:03:48

Thanks everyone. We know that we made the right choice, it was just such a hard one to make. Thanks for your kind words

Happiestinwellybobs Sun 03-Mar-13 15:51:39

This has happened to us. 5 months after we brought DD home, we were contacted to say her birth mother was pregnant again. We couldn't say yes to taking this child - we has only just got used to being parents. We got another call in autumn to say DD's half-sibling had been born and the question of us adopting the child was asked again. We said no.

The option is just not there for us. I feel incredibly guilty and sad about it (especially as there is an older half-sibling who has been adopted by another family, so the siblings are split up.

Instead I tried to concentrate on how lucky we are to have DD and to think that there will be another family out there who will experience the joy of adopting a baby. We fully intend to have as much contact with the other families so the children will know who each other are.

None of this is ever easy - you made the right decision for you.

Hayleyh34 Mon 04-Mar-13 16:13:12

Thanks Happiest. We really hope to stay in touch with the half-siblings family too. It is as you say, the guilt that is hard and knowing that at some point in the future that we will have to explain our decision to our DD

Moomoomie Mon 04-Mar-13 17:17:45

Indeed it is a very difficult decision to make. Birth mothers can go on and have many more children, so where does one draw the line.
We were in a similar situation but for us it was the right thing to adopt dd3, although Dh said to me at the time, how many more?grin
For your family you have made the correct decision and you will be able to explain as the time goes on. Especially if you are able to have some sort of contact.

Kewcumber Mon 04-Mar-13 18:10:22

I'm sure it would make me sad too - that doesn't mean its the wrong decision just that you regret not be able to make a different decision. I know of a birth parent who has had 6 children adopted one after the other - the first 3 adopted by one family and the second three by a second family - both families have had to make a decision that they cannot take anymore and so any future children will go to yet another family.

I think one of the curses of adoptive parenting is that we are impotent to fix some of the things visited upon our children by other people.

If it helps you, the families I mentioned above do have annual contact and stay in touch in between.

Ladyofthehouse Mon 04-Mar-13 19:52:29

We were told this was a very likely possibility for us but we already decided that 2 is our limit. Aside from the space, time, money and upheaval with DC I don't think I could cope with a tiny baby after having toddlers!

It is a hard decision but you've obviously made it taking everything into consideration and I'm sure you're DC will understand that when they are older.

Hayleyh34 Mon 04-Mar-13 20:44:09

Thanks everyone, you're all lovely. I think part of the sadness is the thought of a baby in care, one that we have been given the opportunity to help but can't. It just seems so bloody unfair somehow. Unfair for everyone involved. I don't normally wallow in things but this has really got to me

Kewcumber Mon 04-Mar-13 22:15:02

hayley think of it this way - there are any number of lovely people on this board who would be bowled over by the opportunity to parent this child and that's even without looking further afield than MN! The sadness will fade a little and won't seem quite so raw after a while and hopefully in future if you can have some degree of contact you will feel more settled.

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 04-Mar-13 23:13:34

Hayley, we are dreading if this scenario ever arises (we know we will have to say no, but, but, but....)

Others have given you lots of good reasons, hope you work out with SS what the best approach is re contact between the children

Devora Mon 04-Mar-13 23:24:37

I completely get how you feel. Soon after we adopted our dd we were told her bm was pregnant again. The pregnancy seemed to strangely disappear - no proper explanation from social workers - and I felt very strange about it for a long time. Allow yourself the feelings - they will fade; you have done the right thing.

I met a guy once who had adopted two siblings. A year later, they were offered the birth mother's new baby. They anguished, decided it would be too unsettling for the older children, but felt torn apart by guilt. One year on, they were offered the next baby. The next year, a new baby...

We cannot make these situations whole again. Forgive yourself. Focus your love on the family you have.

Hayleyh34 Tue 05-Mar-13 08:52:48

Thank you everyone for the support, it's really nice to speak to people who have been there or know of people who have.

Minky66 Tue 05-Mar-13 14:41:52

No words of wisdom but I know exactly how you feel. I adopted my son 11 years ago and his sister 7 years ago. The birth mother was then pregnant 5 years ago and I was asked to consider adopting him.

After great consideration and heartache I had to say no and felt incredibly sad and guilty too. I was sad for my children that their brother was not with them, was worried that I had potentially split them up (was worrying that the BM would not survive due to her self destructive lifestyle) and that I would have denied them the chance to be a family together and caused them more pain.

However, I knew it was realistically not right for my children and I would not have been able to continue giving them the attention they need if another child had come into our family. I did blub slightly when I met him with his new adoptive family as I felt guilty but know I did the right thing.

I am now five years down the line and am so glad I didn't do it (I did have this fairy tale story of how it could be so great in my mind, looking through rose tinted spectacles) , it has worked out so much better for everyone.

My children see their brother regularly too. Don't beat yourself up, adoption has a lot of sadness attached to it sometimes but you have made the right decision for your family.

AngelsWithSilverWings Tue 05-Mar-13 17:56:35

Hayley - my DD was "offered" to her siblings adoptive parents before she was matched with us. There were many very good reasons why they had to say no. I think it was heartbreaking for them at the time.

Fast forward a few years and my DD is well settled with us but gets to see her birth siblings regularly and they even go to each other's birthday parties and spend time in each others homes.

I've got to know the other family over the years and get on well with the mum. She tells me that she completely believes that DD belongs with us and she feels no sadness anymore about the decision they made as she knows it was the right one.

I've often wondered what would happen if either of my DCs birth mothers had another baby. I feel my family is complete now but I'd really struggle with the decision.

Hayleyh34 Wed 06-Mar-13 06:18:32

Thanks Angels, that's really comforting and thanks again everyone for replying

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