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Anyone with both adopter and biological children??

(14 Posts)
Kewcumber Mon 04-Mar-13 10:22:23

I only have one adopted so I couldn't be sure how I would feel about having both, however from my own experience and many friends who have both birth and adopted, I think that the bonding process may well be different. Bonding with an adopted child is most commonly (though not always) a slower more considered process than giving birth particularly with the lack of hormones and age of child. But once you have fully bonded I can't imagine feeling differently about DS now however he got here. Bonding is so dependent on each child and each parent that its hard to generalise.

But I wouldn't recommend fostering as a way of preparing yourself for adoption. I would be surprised if the process of bonding is at all similar.

Italiangreyhound Mon 04-Mar-13 05:55:56

Echo that is lovely to hear.

EchoBitch Sun 03-Mar-13 16:48:08

I'm adopted,me and my brother.

We're cracking on a bit now but we were all lucky.

My Mum and Dad to have us and us to have them.

Good luck!

PheasantPlucker Sun 03-Mar-13 16:45:42

Hello, I have 2 daughters, the eldest is a birth child, the youngest is adopted. I truly do love them both equally, which is easy as they are both so very different (eldest has SN) Youngest has no medical needs and is very loving anf great fun (very theatrical - in a good' way!)

As the eldest wasn't supposed to survive her early arrival, and as the 'randomness' of this gorgeous adopted person arriving in our family continually astonishes me, I feel truly lucky to have both of my girls. (I hope that makes sense)

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 03-Mar-13 16:29:27

Um, I genuinely think that we have been very lucky in that a) DS desperately wanted a little brother or sister; b) DD had always been around older children so took to having a big brother very well; and c) DD is (mostly!) a very easy girl to love!

The big age gap is, I think, helpful, as there is no obvious competition between them. And we make sure that if I've had my hands full with DD, for example, DH spends some time with DS or we let him stay up a bit later so that he gets some time with me too and gets to feel very grown up.

I'll have a think whether there are any obvious things we did, but sure there are others with better advice on here...!

Italiangreyhound Sun 03-Mar-13 14:04:57

Families that sounds so great. You seem to have things going very well. Have you any tips on how to achieve the good relationship between DS and DD, please? Don't want to hijack thread so please PM me if not appropriate.

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 03-Mar-13 12:22:01

We have "one of each"! I think DS was about five months old when I had my first conversation with an adoption agency - we were told to wait until he was much older (at least four, preferably five). We did, and we now have DS (7) and DD (nearly 3).

I can honestly say that they are treated the same in our family and by pretty much all our friends. I love them both so much - in different ways, but that's because they're different children rather than because of how they came into our family, IYSWIM. Sometimes I forget that DD isn't biologically related to us!

But - I appreciate from conversations on here and in RL that we are exceptionally lucky. DD is a bright, beautiful little girl who doesn't have any issues with attachment, FAS, neglect, addiction or any of the sadly too common early experiences that many adopted children have experienced in their lives.

You have got plenty of time to consider what would be the best way for you to complete your family, including considering whether adoption is right.

mrsbacchus Sat 02-Mar-13 17:35:51

My eldest DD is adopted, my youngest is my biological child. I can honestly say that I love them equally, and have never felt anything but the same maternal instincts with them both. I don't know if it makes a difference that DD1 is the adopted one as she was a much desired first child when I thought medical treatment meant I couldn't conceive naturally. DD2 was a complete bolt out of the blue. DD1 is 24 and DD2 is 21 and they are both my beloved daughters and never consider themselves other than full sisters. I am blessed that all my family and friends see this the same way ( read an upsetting thread where the extended family of an adopted child didn't see them as a true family member ). My DH was also my PiLs adopted eldest child and was followed by a biological brother. Again there has never been any difference in the treatment of the brothers, if anything DH is the blue eyed son and heir.

doorkeeper Sat 02-Mar-13 16:57:01

I'm the youngest in a family that has two adopted and two biological children. (We're all in our 40s and 50s now.)

I think - knowing my family, and knowing many other parents, both of adopted and biological children - that it really depends on what you feel deep down about adoption. Our mum wanted a big family, and it genuinely made no difference to her whether she gave birth to her kids or not. I feel the same way - my siblings are my siblings, and if a baby landed in a handbag on my doorstep, then I'd love it just as much as the one I gave birth to. (I hated pregnancy, so the handbag-on-the-doorstep method seems a great way of acquiring kids...) Other people I know do feel their biological connection to their child is important, and simply wouldn't feel the same way about an adopted child. This isn't their fault, doesn't make them bad people, just the way their feelings work. It's important to work out what kind you are, and be honest with yourself.

I think what is different now to my experience is that children up for adoption are now more likely to have, say, FAS, or other circumstances which means they'd need a lot of support (because the reasons children were put up for adoption in the 1950s - unmarried mothers, and so on - don't exist in the same way now). If that seems likely, then you also need to determine how adopting a child who needed significant support would affect the life of your existing child. This isn't a reason to not adopt, just a reason to go into it with your eyes open.

On the attachment thing - funnily enough, the sibling who is most like our mum is one of the adopted ones. Honestly, two peas in a pod - not in looks, but personality and in every other way possible.

Anyway, I wouldn't be without either of my adoptive siblings for the world. We didn't have a particularly happy childhood (for reasons which were completely unconnected to the adoptions), but my brother and sisters were the bright spots in it.

helsybells Sat 02-Mar-13 14:36:35

Thanks so much for replies and interesting comments so far. I hadn't considered the idea of fostering but have to say I'm not sure if I could do it as I'd be worried about the inconsistency it may bring in my daughter's life if siblings were "temporary" and coming ad going also not sure if I would cope very well if a child were to move on to another home. But understand this is how the system is geared.

I also read the post further down about how an adopted child/baby felt and I found it utterly heartbreaking but was an amazing insight. I can see how attachment issues arise having read that. Gosh.

middleeasternpromise Sat 02-Mar-13 12:46:27

Its a big thing to adopt on any level and interesting with birth children as well. Have friends who have done it very successfully but also very similar expereinces to Shockers. If you really are interested in this option to expand family I would strongly advise you to become approved as a foster carer first, this way you get to see how it might impact taking other children into your household without having made a permanent commitment. You also get to see the issues such as attachment difficulties and you will receive all the training to deal with it. Lastly this is the govts preferred way forward in adoption - people who foster and are also willing to adopt. that way children have less moves if they cant go back to their birth family.

shockers Sat 02-Mar-13 12:32:01

I have one biological son and an adopted son and daughter. I wonder if it helps them, that there are two of them... I don't know.

I don't feel any different towards either of my sons and I believe they both understand that, but whilst I can honestly say that I love my daughter as much as my two sons, I don't always like her as much. She has attachment issues that have, at times, made parenting her very traumatic. This is as honest as I can possibly be. Having talked extensively with a Clinical Psychologist though, I do believe that my daughter would have these issues in any adoptive placement (I used to think it was because I was a rubbish mum for her), and the fact that I love her so much and see her potential, means that I am the right mum for her.

It might have helped our situation that my biological son was 12 when we adopted. I had a 'schoolfriend' who was the 7th child in her family and the only biological one. She always felt that she was more special and loved by her parents, which eventually led to her siblings becoming estranged from both her, and their adoptive parents.

perplexedpirate Sat 02-Mar-13 12:26:43

Marking place as this is something DH and I may consider.
Couldn't do it myself again!

helsybells Sat 02-Mar-13 12:08:20

My little girl is now 5 months old and the best thing that has ever has ever happened to us. I would love her to have a brother or sister one day but I am unsure if I can see me getting through another pregnancy as mine was so awful due to acute morning sickness.

So the option of adopting one day in the future has occurred to me. I would truly love to give a loving home to a little person who needed one and understand fully that the process is often very long, difficult, frustrating even heartbreaking at times but it is something that I'm considering.

Is there anyone out there with one biological and one adopted child? How did you feel about having one of each without the adopted child feeling "not really yours" for want of a better description (sorry if that's been put clumsily) and/or was it difficult not to "overcompensate" to make them not feel that way and finding the best balance so that the biological child didn't feel left out etc etc etc?

Would love to hear other people's experiences and how they dealt with it.

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