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Daughters Grad

(6 Posts)
Mother2many Thu 28-Feb-13 19:26:28

I gave my daughter up and we have an open relationship. That is what I wanted, and I loved everything about it. The adoptive family has been fantastic and it wasn't until I slowly stopped communicating, sending letters, etc...that they also stopped. Which was fine with me.

My daughter's aunt is MY aunt's best friend. That is how we arranged the adoption. My aunt has watched my child grow up.

This summer, the Aunts were travelling together, and I had a wonderful visit with them. She talked about my DD and how she is doing, etc. We talked about her birth... I found out that she has Aspergers and a mild case of curvature of the spine. None of my other 4 children do! I reached out to her fathers side of the family to see if they had any medical information I could pass on. And they also don't have anyone in their family that has been diagnosed.

My dad was visiting with his sister and the aunt, and was told DD graduation is coming up. My dad said he wanted to go.

SOO... put me on the spot when they told me.

I know I am risking some of you mad...

I didn't bond with her when I was pregnant with her. Nor did I want to keep in contact with her.

I really don't want to go. Honestly, it's her special day and she should spend it with those that have raised her and watched her grow. To ME, it isn't the right time to go and meet her.

THEN, to boot... I have facebooked (yes we talk) and have asked a few times about when is her grad. I have asked her aunt. (they all live far away from me) and I need to know so I can plan.

I go online and check out her school. I found out the grad dates, and when things are going on.

Now, I feel my gut feeling was right. I'm not really wanted/expected to be there for her grad.

I don't want to pull my 2 other children out of school for the last 2 weeks of school to go either.

I know she wants to learn about her "blood" as she talks to my aunt.

She also is friends on facebook with her older brothers too, and their g/f's.

I'm sorry. Am I wrong to not want to go? Would you understand as the adopted child?


Lilka Thu 28-Feb-13 23:27:43

Has your daughter specifically asked you to come? I appreciate you must feel in a difficult position if she has asked for you to be there

However, I don't think you're wrong not to go, if you aren't comfortable with it. Both you and your daughter need to work out what you are comfortable with and not feel pushed into things that don't feel right or go too far, in your opinions.

I don't know how I would feel if I were your daughter, and I guess she might feel a whole range of feelings

As an adoptive mother, if my DD2 wanted her mum to turn up for something like a graduation and she didn't, I would probably feel sad for DD2 because she would be disappointed, but I think i would understand her mum's decision. Also their relationship is complicated so selfishly (in our situation) I would feel relieved, because DD would have less stuff going on in her head.

ps. Are you in the US? I wonder because you mention graduating from her 'school'. Do you mean her university/college graduation or a high school graduation?

Lilka Thu 28-Feb-13 23:28:33

And also, I cannot think that anybody here would be judging you because of your situation, I certainly do not

Italiangreyhound Fri 01-Mar-13 03:22:45

Mother2many Just curious but you said your dad "said he wanted to go." Does this mean he is going? Do you feel because he wanted to go you should go, or because he is going you should go?

You mention taking other children out of school to go, which means bringing them with you?

I think you should be guided by what you feel.

You also say "... it isn't the right time to go and meet her." which suggests you would like to meet her sometime. If you do meet then I think this meeting will be important for you both and to try and have this meeting amidst so many special people for her might be overwhelming for many of you.

But of course whatever you decided to do you must feel at peace about.

All the best, not judging at all, whatever happens I hope it all works out.

KristinaM Sun 03-Mar-13 17:51:06

If you have not met her before then graduation is TOTALLY the wrong time to arrange a first meeting. If you both want to meet you should make it another time , preferably when you don't have your younger children with you.

You need to take things slowly and carefully,reunions can be very emotional as everyone has different expectations . Have you thought of getting some counselling abut this? Does your adoption agency offer this service?

Mother2many Mon 18-Mar-13 21:28:58

I have met her numerous times when she was younger. I moved farther away, and quite honestly, wasn't worried about it.

This would be her grad. 12 graduation. Like I mentioned we are on facebook, but seldom chat with each other. She hasn't invited me/us to grad. either.

The/her aunt tried to talk to the adoptive mom about it, and I guess she snapped at her... and the topic was dropped. When I heard that, I think the adoptive mother also doesn't really want us showing up. I did talk to my dad about it...and he agrees that we shouldn't... at least not right now. (WHEW)

Soo, I do feel relieved we are not going/planning on going. When the time is right we will meet again.

We will be sending her a gift/card to acknowledge her graduating, just like I did when she turned 18.

This was a private open adoption.

I would much rather an invite from the adoptive mom.... as I respect their feelings and wishes. They did a fantastic job raising her.... ( me thinking, if I picked up a card for adoptive mom... even a graduation card type thing would be special... I think!)

Thanks everyone... I just feel I must come off as mean, when I don't want to go see my daughters graduation, or really have much to do with her... confused

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