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Adoption Vs egg donation

(10 Posts)
buckinghamshiredreamer Thu 29-Nov-12 22:08:30

I wonder if any of you have experienced a similar experience and could give me some advice or your story as I feel at a loss at the moment.

I am 46 and my DH is 48 we have no children between us and married one year ago, although we have been together several years and knew each other in the past as well and reunited. I had one pregnancy and miscarried 18 months ago after trying 4 cycles of Clomid we have since been unable to get pregnant. We discussed egg donation because of my age but decided adoption might be a better option as egg donation could be a long and expense process.

We have started the adoption process, been on the adopter's course and are now having visits from our assigned SW but I still find myself bringing up the subject of egg donation to which my husband says he thought we had decided on adoption and if we try one round of egg donation we could lose the opportunity to adopt if we stopped the process now.

I have been happy with the idea of adoption and wonder if my confusion is a reaction to the lose of control you feel over the adoption process and a fear that we may not make it through the adoption process. Has anyone else had these doubts/ fears??

MyDogEatsPoop Thu 29-Nov-12 22:29:30

If you have a look further down the list of topics on the adoption forum, there's one titled 'donor eggs vs adoption', which had a lively discussion on it!

It's tricky. I contemplated it for a little while, before we decided on adoption - I just don't think I could put myself through it knowing the success rates are relatively low; and because of a lack of donors in this country it would mean going abroad for the process. Then you have to weigh in the knowledge that the child would be biologically related to your husband, but not you (that actually wouldn't bother me, as I'd consider carrying a baby for nine months would make it 'mine').

What I would say, is that think really really carefully before pulling out of the adoption process before you're approved -I imagine it would be really difficult to get back into it again without really being questioned on whether you're really committed to it. You can always ask for a bit of thinking time afterwards if you're still undecided (and there might well be great expanses of time where you're waiting to be matched and nothing is happening anyway). Your fear of not making it through the process is understandable, but you wouldn't have got this far if they didn't see your potential.

Kewcumber Thu 29-Nov-12 23:39:21

As Poopeating Dog says read through the other thread, it will give you a gist of what others think. What might be different in your case (sorry to be blunt...) is age. If you withdraw now, I don't think that you will so much have a problem being accepted as an adopter but when might be key. Many SS want you to have finished with fertility treatment for 12 months and being optimistic that you could have the process over and done with in a year then you're looking at two more years before you start at the back of the queue again. Then it will take anywhere form 1-3 years before a child is placed with you. So potentially another 5 years before you become parents. How much do you want the birth/newborn experience? Enough that you rather some chance of a newborn in 12-18 months vs if it fails waiting for up to 5 years for quite possibly an even older child than you might be approved for now (due to your age).

The genetics thing is a red herring in my case - I wasn't ever too bothered about that. I did want a young child and that meant I tried IVF first but very quickly moved on to adoption when it failed.

I did have to grit my teeth with every newspaper report of yet another way to improve the chances of IVF working and stop myself rushing straight back out to the nearest fertility clinic though!

In my case starting the adoption process didn't really "cure" my grieving for a birth child - they kinda ran concurrently and it wasn't really until I had DS home that I was totally sure in my own mind that I was happy with my decision. Not that I shared that particular nugget of information with my social worker!

Ultimately I just wanted to be any kind of a parent by then and how was becoming a bit less important and adoption had more certainty a way so by the final stages of potential parenthood, it was the most appealing to me.

Ultimately however only you know how strongly you feel.

buckinghamshiredreamer Fri 30-Nov-12 11:50:09

Thank you ladies for your answers which have helped me to think of my dilemma in a slightly different way. In Buckinghamshire on our adoption course we had parents who had adopted very young children 8 months, 12 months and 18 months coming to tell us about their experiences. The Social Services around here are keen to adopt children as babies or toddlers so we could potentially experience some of the baby stages. Thank you again and best wishes for your futures.

Kewcumber Fri 30-Nov-12 15:14:09

I'm not trying to talk you into something you want to think about again btw just pointing out the practicalities.

My DS was 11 months when I met him and I had full time custody when he was 13 months - he was very premature and so very small so I definitely got the baby stages. But I have also had friends adopt around the same time up to 2 and tbh they are still such babies even at that age. Particularly from the perspective of what seems to me now like a very grown up 7 year old!

ds was very needy which although it came with its own problems did really give me the nurturing experience I wanted. I don't regret anything at all about adopting DS and believe me I wobbled a few times all the way along. Really right up to the point at which I signed on the dotted line about 4 days after meeting him.

One of the problems with adoption is that its really quite easy to change your mind at any point up to when they are placed with you (and tbh even afterwards for a while) whereas with pregnancy you generally accept once you're pregnant that its a fait accompli - even if you wobble (which I'm sure happens) you don't think you can change your mind!

The only thing I regret about ds's adoption is that I couldn't be there for him for the first 11 months. I don't wish for him to be any different or for me to have a different family. I have a slight lingering wistfulness that I couldn't get pregnant but in the same way I wish I'd worked a bit harder for my A levels - it doesn't really have much impact on my life and I am truly grateful to have DS and not another child.

Italiangreyhound Sat 01-Dec-12 23:45:50

Hi buckinghamshiredreamer I am one of the people who posted on the thread about donor eggs before, we tried with donor eggs a few times, we have a birth DD and we are now preparing for adoption training. Feel free to PM me.

I spoke to Bucks County council about adoption and they dis say they were looking for adopters, I wonder why they have a lot of young children? Anyway good luck on your journey.

joolsangel Thu 04-Apr-13 15:49:06

my OH and I have one DD age 4. I will be 47 next week. we have desperately been trying for another child since our DD was 6 months but I have been unable to fall pregnant. we are worried that time is passing. my OH doesn't want to go for adoption and we both agreed to try egg donation. we went to a private clinic last year, have been on the waiting list for 6 months. I am told that we are no 58 in the queue now and it could take 2 years before we reach the front of the queue. but they said that if we introduce an egg donor, she wouldn't necessarily have to give me her eggs as they would go anonymously to another, but we would then be put to the front of the queue for introducing a donor. its very hard trying to imagine that a child would biologically be my OHs but not mine but I feel that if I can carry the baby thru a pregnancy then this baby would be mine too. very emotional time just waiting and not knowing. the cut off age is 51, which sounds scary but im hoping desperately that we move up the queue pretty quickly. has anyone else successfully gone thru a pregnancy using egg donation and how do you feel? any advice or anything at all would be great. its something that I just cant stop thinking about and we desperately want another baby.

Devora Fri 05-Apr-13 00:48:58

joolsangel, I think you might find more people who have experienced egg donation on the conception threads. I do know a MNetter who conceived with egg donation and adopted, both in her 40s, but I don't think she's around atm.

Very best of luck to you.

Italiangreyhound Wed 10-Apr-13 12:54:26

joolsangel I am so sorry. I will PM you.

Personal opinion here as someone who has done egg donation as a reciptient - unsuccessfully and is now in home study to adopt and has one DD aged 8, and we tried from when she was 9 months old.

It sounds like you have a very long wait at your clinic. In the UK the wait can be as little as a few months, around a year or in some cases two years.

I would look into Care Fertility. They seem to have quite short waiting lists.

I, personally, would look into all the UK and Spanish clinics and see about waiting times. A two year from now seems a long time, I am aware you may have paid a large sum to get onto this waiting list and you would not get that back but if you wanted to try another clinic while you wait for this one (if you can afford to). I think if you could cut that wait down by going with another clinic and still keeping your place open at the one you are at I would do that. If you go for Spain the child will never be able to know the donor. That may be a factor for you, in the UK donors are anonymous but once the child turns 18 they can trace the donor if treatment was received after 2005.

Phineyj Mon 15-Apr-13 17:38:46

We considered adoption and after much difficulty getting anyone to agree to take us on (for no obvious reason other than no-one in our area seems to need white adopters), found an LA that would. We were then told to leave the preparation course because 'we had not grieved for our birth children'.

I was against IVF at that point but decided it was the only option left. We went to see a consultant who arranges egg donation IVF through a clinic in Greece. There was no waiting time, it was extremely straightforward and no more expensive than doing IVF in this country (treatment cheaper but travel costs on top). Conceived DD in the second round of treatment and she was born last Dec. Their success rates are around 60% per cycle. They matched my colouring well but we will be open with DD about how she was conceived. It makes no difference to me or the extended family at all that she isn't my genetic relation.

For us it was definitely the right decision as I don't think we would have got through the preparation course/home study as we were both already terribly upset by the adoption prep and were only at the very early stages.

I did rather resent being forced to travel 1000s of miles, twice, for an outpatient procedure lasting 20 mins which could have been done in my own country if the legislation were different, but heigh ho. It was also very hard to fit the travel in with work (teacher and I did not want to discuss my plans with them).

None of which is to say that adoption isn't extremely worthwhile, but the focus is, rightly, on what children and LAs need/want, not the prospective parents, whereas egg donation is about your desire to have children and you are the customer so to speak.

Anyway I do hope things work out for you. It is a minefield!

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