Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Does anyone else get fed up...

(10 Posts)
Hayleyh34 Tue 27-Nov-12 11:45:25

with being told that you should be grateful the whole time?

We adopted our DD two years ago and at the in-laws at the weekend we were talking about a difficult period our DD was going through. We just wanted to vent.

Instead we were told that we should be grateful. For about the millionth time.

I am so grateful for my DD and absolutely adore her, does that mean that we can NEVER have a moan?!

Has made me feel really down

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 27-Nov-12 14:07:17

I find it amusing when people get pious like this. It's usually inbetween them looking at their iPhone/iPad etc.

It's really irritating. Having a child doesn't mean you have to give your right to have a whinge every now and then!

olddogs Tue 27-Nov-12 14:10:06

so tell us, and we wont tell you that you should be thankful.

My dd was IVF but i still though 'oh dear, i've done it now!' when they told me i was pregnant!

I was terrified.

please feel free to share... it means you are living in the real world and not letting your DD get away with murder because of her past!

Hayleyh34 Tue 27-Nov-12 14:14:48


She lies a lot at the moment about ANYTHING. She is 5 and a bit but can behave a lot like a 3 year old. Nothing is safe. She's taken my make up and painted it everywhere, helps herself to perfume etc.

None of that was too bad but she then figured out how to open the drawer lock that was on the medicine drawer and had a look at all the tablets etc.

We had a bad report at parents evening which also made us sad . They said that she struggles to interact with other children, knows what she should be doing but chooses to do the opposite.

Just sometimes is all a bit overwhelming even 2 years on and to be told to be grateful is upsetting!

flossymuldoon Tue 27-Nov-12 16:44:02

Just smile back but in your head shout as many obsceneties as you can muster!!

No-one has said that to me but i did get fed up with all the "oh yes, all kids do that" in a really dissmissive way. When i look back on the first 6-9 months after our DS was placed with us it was hell on earth and people telling me that it was normal behaviour contributed to my depression as i thought it was just me not coping while everyone else could cope fine.

If it's any consolation we're having a tough period at the mo. The controlling behaviour is as bad as it has ever been. We've been to the speech therapist today and his controlling behaviour made it a bloody nightmare. I'm with you feel a bit overwhelmed!!

Kewcumber Tue 27-Nov-12 21:07:45

Funnily enough no-one has ever said this to me. I on the other hand used to say, "Of course I can't complain - I chose to have him"... until a very wise friend pointed out to me that nearly every parent chose to have their children!

I must admit I'd be a bit passive aggressive and say looking a bit disappointed "OH. Do you not want to be involved with our real life then? Would you rather we didn't talk to you about what we're going through? We thought you'd be the ideal people as you love her too and won't take our moans the wrong way. Never mind, my parents will have to do instead".

Piffyonarock Tue 27-Nov-12 21:44:00

I had this very thing said to me today! And I've had a lot of what flossy said too about ALL children do that. We're having a tough time at the moment too, and well meant as people might be, it really doesn't help when you're worried about your child's development and wellbeing. You're not alone, I often feel miserable that it must be all my bad parenting skills and everyone else seems to cope better. Your DD sounds like my DS, nothing is safe in our house.

olddogs Tue 27-Nov-12 22:41:07

for the taking of stuff, can you not define two baskets, one for your makeup and one for hers?

with my dd the chase was always the best bit... she'd whine in shops to be bought something, but as soon as it was paid for and out of the packaging she would lose interest... she would want the 'forbidden' thing with an obsession, until she got it and then she had no interest at all.

When she lies to you... we had icecream for lunch... say 'oh that would be nice i wish we could do that every day... what flavour would you have tomorrow? with sprinkles? i'd like mine to be as big as a house, with marshmallows as big as the windows... wouldnt that be great?'

this has many purposes.... she knows you are actually listening to what she said. she knows that you know she is lying. it indulges the fantasty thinking that they all have at that age. it gives her the attention but in a good way?

a reward chart for good choices? wellies or sandels... its raining so wellies are a good choice...sticker. sandles give you wet feet and no sticker


Hayleyh34 Wed 28-Nov-12 08:10:29

Thanks for the thoughts. olddogs - we've tried that but it doesn't work. She's very controlling and sees taking things as a way of being in control.

We also get the "all children do that" ALL the time. I think I'm just feeling a bit low after the parents evening and am doubting that I'm good enough for her.

Thank you all for being kind enough to reply and reassure

Sweetiesmum Wed 28-Nov-12 09:12:46

Maybe other parents at the parents group are actually feeling the same, and couldnt be honest about how difficult/trying things sometimes got as they were worried about being judged. Truth is, we're all crap at parenting at times. Also, our children may be underhand/contrary/controlling despite our best efforts at positive parenting due to a strong personality/testing the waters/etc. My daughter (5)likes to have the reins also, and has taken makeup/treats/spent money from my purse. Have been in despair about my parenting also, yet am learning better tactics. My daughter is so much better behaved (OK overall!!!)now we cut out most food additives, especially preservative free bread/permeate free milk/natural colour 160b free yoghurt. Easier to parent a calm child who tests the boundaries than a jittery, irritable child reacting to our packaged food Take care and big cuddles from another well tested parent

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: