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husband just left and have 2 adopted dc's

(11 Posts)
doinmybest Tue 20-Nov-12 11:44:52

Im wondering if this will/might affect them any different. im worried about feelings of rejection again etc. DD is really sensitive over the whole adoption details anyway but DS is just silent. Am I worrying too much?

Devora Tue 20-Nov-12 12:16:21

Oh, I'm so sorry. How old are your dcs? How long have they been with you?

And, very importantly, how are YOU coping?

adoptmama Tue 20-Nov-12 17:44:13

I think you are totally right to be sensitive to how your adopted DCs may feel. With your husband leaving they are experiencing, yet again, the loss of a parent (no matter how near your husband has physically moved or how regular contact will be it is a loss for them). It may bring up all sorts of feelings on the loss of their birth families which could be complicated by the age of your kids now and their age at adoption/how much the remember etc of their first family. Children are naturally self centred and almost always blame themselves for separations; feelings of being inherently unlovable etc are natural in adopted children following divorce. I would definitely advise you to do some reading on how divorce can impact adopted kids and also look to see what resources/services you have locally in case you need them. Good luck to you all as you seek your 'new normal.'

HappySunflower Tue 20-Nov-12 19:46:54

So sorry to hear this sad

How old are they?
Are you still in contact with any post-adoption support services? It might be worth seeing what help could be available for you all.

Keep posting, you are not on your own- we are all here to help if we can.

Devora Tue 20-Nov-12 20:43:14

I agree that you are right to take this seriously. I've been thinking about you this afternoon, and thought that I would be seeking some specialist help/advice with this. Post adoption support services yes, or maybe some family therapy?

Is your dh working constructively with you to help the children through this?

Kewcumber Tue 20-Nov-12 22:44:46

From a quick read of your other thread, I think you have teenagers which is a bit out of my league but as the child of divorced parent and the mother of an adopted child I might be able to cobble together a little insight!

Will it affect them - undoubtedly. How will it affect them and might it raise issues of abandonment and self esteem related to their feelings around adoption - it depends on the child I guess.

I know how abandoned I felt and my Dad left when I was an adult - mind you he literally walked out and didn't leave a forwarding address so perhaps that exacerbated my feelings of abandonment. Is your ex having regular contact with the children?

One of the most difficult things to deal with was that my mother made it totally plain that she felt any contact between us (which was a bit irrelevant initially as we had no idea where he was) would be a betrayal of her. Why would any good daughter even want contact with such a dreadful monster? I was terribly conflicted and even though I could see how much pain she was in, I really felt that my feelings were unimportant and that I wasn't allowed to have any feelings for him.

It took a long time to heal for everyone. I would say that on some ways it isn't healed for me because I had to process the fact that my Dad wasn't the man I thought he was and there's really no getting around that.

Come back and tell us a bit more and I might be able to tell you how I felt - I can't say how your children will feel though. Post adoption support is a good idea if its easy to access in your area.

doinmybest Wed 21-Nov-12 12:36:16

They are 11 & 13 and were removed at birth so they dont have any memories of being moved but still know that they were adopted. Im just really worried its going to mess with their heads! I will contact social services see what they suggest. thanks

Kewcumber Wed 21-Nov-12 12:57:44

I don't think when they were removed from birth parents is the key but what their personality is. DS was relinquished at birth and placed with me at 11 months and still has abandonment and insecurity issues - not overwhelming but identifiable.

I think divorce/separation messes with everyones head - how could it not its such an upheaval and often a reassessment of one or both parents. I remember feeling very bitter about my Dad's frequent pronouncements on the sanctity of marriage when I was growing up and felt that I'd been living a lie as a child.

It took a while to process but I now understand that things change and just because he did something he preached against earlier doesn't mean he was lying at the time or even that he was wrong at the time!

Sorry - I'm not sure how helpful that is but I hope that adoption team can help point you in teh right direction.

Is he seeing the children?

doinmybest Wed 21-Nov-12 21:11:54

To be honest he's never away. I have said to him to try and back off because they have to get used to the idea he doesnt live here anymore. He is on the phone to DD constantly but when she tried to ring him on Saturday he didnt answer for about 4 hours and Im trying to say on one hand....thats how it will be, but I think the more contact she has the easier it will be - does that make sense? DS is very 'well he's gone, his choice, move on'

Kewcumber Wed 21-Nov-12 21:31:07

To be honest he's never away oh crikey that must be hard on you! How are you coping?

overbythere Sun 02-Dec-12 09:15:17

Hi op. I am in the same position as you - on my own with two adopted children after my husband walked out. PM me if you want to chat further. It's all a bit personal and painful for me to post on here but I am sure we will be feeling and thinking the same things.

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