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Sibling stories...

(12 Posts)
WendyGx Fri 26-Oct-12 12:25:21

Hello all
My dh and I are approved for 1 or 2 children and our preference since starting the whole process is for siblings. We have many reasons, mainly from our own family set up. I have very close relationships with my siblings and they have been and remain very important to me. I lost contact with my Mum at 17 (long story) and I lost my Dad died 7 years ago. My brothers and sister are my family and I feel very strongly about the importance of siblings as they have been so important to me. My dh has a similar background. Lets face it, they can be the longest relationship someone has. I know this relationship isn't always good for everyone, but I guess I want to be able to allow this important relationship to continue for others and if I can do this in adoption then that's a good thing imho.

I hear many stories about siblings from SW's and whilst this is valuable, I've only met one adopter who adopted siblings. Their experinece felt so much more useful (sorry to any SWs!). Plus whilst she was very candid with the tough times as well as the good I knew she had no motives so ot was easier to take onboard. I am sure experiences vary but I was wondering if anyone would be kind enough to share their expereince.

Hope someone is willing...

Kewcumber Fri 26-Oct-12 15:29:44

My only experience of a personal friend who adopted siblings was not a good one so perhaps not particularly helpful to you. The siblings were 3 and 5 (or 6 I forget) on placement and ultimately the placement of the older sibling disrupted before the adoption was finalised. Part of the problem (but not by any means all of it) was the behaviour towards his sibling which was really unsustainable. Having said that its the only case I know of where an adoption has disrupted ofonly 1 sibling of a sibling group adopted together. I know of a set of bio-siblings that were adopted separately, adoptive parents were given first refusal (if I can put it that way) when another child was fostered with an adoption plan.

You also need to consider that (IMVHO) adopted siblings can have just a close a bond as birth siblings. You don't need to adopt a sibling group together in order to create a sibling bond. Mind you that would mean adopting more than one which you might not be able to bear! Mind you many councils are now

WendyGx Fri 26-Oct-12 15:52:56

Hi kewcumber and thanks for posting. Information behind less successful adoptions is equally as helpful. Its nice to hear the good stuff; heartwarming. However its the thought provoking, + or - experiences I'm after. I've heard a little about relations between siblings which are not necessarily rosy, but not like you've explained, so thanks for that. I never considered a disruption could have with one child.

I have heard of the first refusal thingy, there's a 'family' network in my area where there are 14 bio siblings (albeit only mother in common) and the bm is pregnant again now. The siblings are across 9 families, 1 of which I know. Its interesting as they are discussing the unborn child already.

I should have explained more. When my mother left my father fought to keep us together and its the aspect of 'retaining' the sibling relationship which is of great interest to me, whilst 'creating' a bond must be very special too. I absolutely get that adopted siblings have just as close a bond, I see that in friend's adopted children. I have step brothers and I am just as close, if not closer to them. I do believe its not blood, but continuity I guess that I want to protect.

Thanks again

Moomoomie Fri 26-Oct-12 17:15:48

We have adopted three siblings and the bond they have between them is marvellous. We adopted dd1 and dd2 together, we had applied for a sibling group, many reasons, the main one being that I knew I wanted more than one child and we didn't really want to have to go through the whole process again to have subsequent children.
The girls were 2 years old and six months old when they came home, we were lucky that they had been in the same FC together. The fact they had each other and were able to stay together was fantastic.
We subsequently adopted their baby sister a few years later.
Now, they are "normal" siblings who will fight like cat and dog at times, but still have a very close relationship.
It was jolly hard work when the first two came home ( I understood that much better when we adopted dd3 when the older two were at school, I seemed to have more time for dd3 )
It is a very personal decision as to how many children to adopt and not one any one can make for you.
I suppose you need to consider whether you would feel complete as a family with just one child, and if you could go through the whole process again.
I agree that siblings are siblings and can be just as close whether they have a genetic tie or not.

Lovesoftplay Fri 26-Oct-12 21:16:10

We adopted siblings and I love it. They are so so close and I attribute that to the fact that the only consistent thing in their lives has been each other.

Initially we only went into adoption thinking about adopting one child, but we changed our minds half way through the process.

I am from a big family and like to think I am passing on my experiences of being the oldest to my eldest son now smile

Feel free to pm me if you would like more answers or have any specific questions.

WendyGx Sat 27-Oct-12 08:24:57

Moomoomie, thanks for posting. My dh has commented that he would rather not go through the approval process again. I must admit, I have never thought that the siblings wouldn't already be together in fc. I know, naive. Except our sw did discuss a very specific child where the birth mum was pregnant and she wasked if we'd be interested in that scenario, whilst knowing there might not be an adoption order for the unborn child. I've heard some tough scenarious where siblings are subsquently born. The family I mentioned earlier went though a challenging time when one parent was keen for the new sibling and the other not. Thanks again, you've done what I asked - made me think.
Lovesoftplay, thats also for your post and kind offer of pm. The closeness you mention is very important to me. I just want the network of support to be there for any child and this consistency is part of that.

WendyGx Sat 27-Oct-12 08:33:54

Just wondering, please can anyone recommend any books which focus on sibling adoption? I have read many things (avid reader!) but sibling references is limited. I looked on Amazon but there are almost 400 to chose from!

Moomoomie Sat 27-Oct-12 10:22:09

We were in the scenario you explained re a new baby sibling. For us though, it was a very easy decision to say yes, as, even though we had two wonderful children I did feel our family was not complete. So when we received the phone call from ss when the older two girls were 8 and 6, we did not have to really think about our answer.
Even the girls were thrilled to hear of a baby sister. The 8 year old said, as soon as we told them, when is our sister coming home, mum?
Please feel free to pm too, if I can help in any way.

runamile Sun 28-Oct-12 01:53:11

I have two young adopted daughters who have both developed significant behavioural problems (not apparent when adopted.) The behaviour of my eldest is so extreme that I have had to consider her going into residential care for her own safety and the safety of others. I spend most of my time protecting my youngest from my eldest. We have been told by various experts that the girls should be with a family where they would be an only child and I really believe their life chances would be better if they were brought up separately. Sorry to share this with you but life is challenging for the three of us (my husband had a nervous breakdown due to the stress of family life and left us a year ago.)

WendyGx Sun 28-Oct-12 11:57:38

Hi moomoomie and thanks again, I will take you up on that.

runamile - thanks for sharing what must be a such a difficult time. It is real life, but its also inspiring. You are obviously hanging in and considering what is best for the girls. I'm just sorry you are having to do this without a partner. I do hope you find a solution which is best for everyone involved.

Ladyofthehouse Sun 28-Oct-12 20:36:03


We have just had two sisters placed with us and they are so close together it is adorable!

However we can see problems in the future. I think the foster carer seemed to favour the youngest of the two so the eldest had to fend for herself a little bit so can be quite controlling. The youngest can also be a little madam and wind the eldest up as I think she knew this got a reaction.

Because they are so close they get quite anxious if they are seperated even if when one is having a nap.

We were in a similar position to you - always wanted two children so were open to 2 now and fate decided this was the way. We know it will be hard especially as there is less than a year between them but seeing how close their relationship is somehow makes us feel more of a family.

WendyGx Wed 31-Oct-12 10:17:38

Thanks LOTH, its lovely to hear your girls are close. I suspect that as you have identified a potential challenge, you'll be ahead of the game to work that one through. Of course everyone parents differently and she'll soon learn what you teach them is right and wrong! Isn't it scary how much adults influence their children.

Interestingly I heard about an artist who typically painted children with large heards - out of proportion. When asked he said that as they are exposed to adults their minds are narrowed and shaped. Interesting as most 'parents to be' think we're about to open the minds and support their children to reach their true potential.

Anyway, thanks again and best wishes for you and your girls

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