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Friendship issues for DD 10

(6 Posts)
Gladwys Fri 05-Oct-12 13:15:10

Been lurking here since the summer with the odd little post, whilst reading up on and getting my head round my DD's issues. She is 10, adopted at 14 months. One month in the HDU withdrawing from methadone (BM says wasn't taking heroin during pregnancy, but SW didn't believe) then straight to foster carer, who had up to three other babies at any time.

She's always been what we descirbe as "wonky" and have tried to help with that in various ways, but she is also lovely and funny and to me perfect.

Friendships have always been an issue and are not getting any better. What I'm after really is some advice for me to give to her on maintaining peer group relationships. She is brilliant at making friends, but at some point she'll be mean to them (not using violence so much anymore, crowing glory was stabbing someone with a pencil at the end of Year 3wink Or drop them for someone better, then can't understand why they don't want to be around her. It's never her fault btw and I can't believe a single word she utterswink
Anyone got any sound advice?

Lilka Fri 05-Oct-12 14:28:15

DD2 has friendship issues as well. Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice to impart because I have also struggled a lot to nurture any potential friendships. Her year in MS primary school was particularly memorable. DD was (still is wink ) bossy and controlling and had some rather inappropriate behaviours but couldn't connect that to their lack of desire to play with her. I have to say, her most successful 'friendships' have always been with other kids who are just as 'wonky' (I quite like that description!) as she is!! We would meet up with another parent and child and do something structured together (I also got an opportunity to talk to another parent of a SN child as I can't properly supervise 2x very challenging children alone!)

You can structure playdates and intervene at home, but there's really a limit on how much you can influence it all at school, and of course they have playground politics to contend with there as well. DD2's crowning glory was a bit more serious than a pen stabbing and the move to special ed was never sweeter shock

At 16, she doesn't have a big group of friends, she just has a few mates from school she can meet up with and one good friend (also SN). Her friend can also be bossy and unreasonable yet somehow they've never had a major falling out

Much understanding from over here!

Gladwys Fri 05-Oct-12 20:02:19

Hi Lilka. That sounds very similar!

Does sound though that your DD2 has managed to get through those terrible years. To my mind a small friendship group and one best friend sounds great.

No diagnosis for my DD, we had her assessed at 5/6 and their view was nothing to diagnose, but they recognise that drug babies do have issues and present similar traits. Not very helpful there then!

DDs main problem is that she is always searching for something better, which means she seriously annoys those kids that do try and want to be friends. It's like talking to a plank of wood though trying to get that through to her.

I'll keep up the mantra of "do unto others...."

Jakadaal Fri 05-Oct-12 20:12:20

Watching with interest - you could be describing DD aged 10. School (MS at mo) are supportive and at the start of each year they do some form of friendship circle, getting along programme etc. Also CAMHS have offered Dinosaur School. I try and encourage positive role models - she responds well to children in older years and SENCO is very responsive to this.

Am just starting down the psychotherapy route with her and hope they can provide some support to DD but at mo they seem focused (unsurprisingly) on attachment although she does have complex needs.

I think the main issue for us is that DD is Yr 6 but emotionally she is about 4 years behind.

Oh and yes when she falls out with someone its never her fault ... and to be honest maybe it isn't - she is trying to get along with children way beyond her capabilities.

Have you any post adoption support that you can perhaps access?

Italiangreyhound Fri 05-Oct-12 22:56:37

Hi Gladwys, I'm NOT a mum to an adopted child, if that is the right terminology (apologies if not) but I am Mum to an 8 year old who can be quite a handful. I also know a bit about how it can feel to never be completely satisfied with life and always wanting more.

I would really recommend some sort of counselling that is age appropriate, and can help her work out what she wants to get out of friendships and how best to relate to other kids etc. I've had lots of counselling for different things, including CBT for anxiety and it was wonderfully helpful.

I wonder if this kind of thing (AGE appropriate and from someone who really knows their stuff) might help.

I really wish you all the best, my daughter is often upset about different stuff and I am trying to work out how best to help her enjoy life and process all her complex emotions. She is not adopted and I KNOW it is different, but I just wanted to wish you well from one mum to another.

We are in process of looking at adoption and that is why I am lurking on the adoption boards! I know I am not really qualified to answer your question, so, of course, take my thoughts with a massive pinch of salt.

Gladwys Sat 06-Oct-12 14:00:41

Thanks for your messages. Jakadaal that sounds so like my DD, she is also not emotionally a 10 year old, but it is quite hard to work out where she fits. Again, at times you could say her reactions are far more like a 6 yr old. She actually tends to find younger children easier to play with and cope with, as they are more in tune with her emotionally. Issues am sure will get worse as her peer group mature and leave her behind.

We have had a little support, but have resisted some professional help up to now as not sure how she will relate to that. But are not completely ruling it out.

Italiangreyhound, good luck with your adoption journey! I know at times we can put things down to DD's adoption issues, but some of it is actually she is being a girl and her own personality traits!!

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