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scared stiff

(44 Posts)
funnychic Wed 03-Oct-12 19:07:36

I am in floods on tears and I am having doubts can anyone help me? I have been given details on a perfect match, everything seems incredibly good and I am first choice for this little one but I am having a major crisis of confidence and feel like I am doing the wrong thing by even thinking about adoption. I am a single adopter and have been so confident but now it's real and so near I am seriously thinking I should forget it all and carry on with my life as it is.
Please don't anyone be harsh on me because I am feeling so bad right now that I don't know which way to turn.

PinkMilkIsMyFavouriteAndMyBest Wed 03-Oct-12 19:10:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moomoomie Wed 03-Oct-12 19:14:27

Oh, bless you, of course you will be concerned. All of this so far has been just the preparation with no real child to consider, now there is a real life child so the whole journey is real.
Try not to let your heart rule your head, list many questions for the SW and try and stay calm. You will be fine and a great mother, have confidence in yourself.

Happiestinwellybobs Wed 03-Oct-12 19:21:55

Sounds perfectly normal. This is when it all becomes very 'real' and scary!! My DH was anxious about whether our match was right, whether we were doing the right thing, was it the right time etc. We talked about the reasons we wanted to adopt and he realised that this little girl was absolutely right for us. Deep breaths, stay calm and you will be fine - good luck.

Maryz Wed 03-Oct-12 19:29:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka Wed 03-Oct-12 19:30:38

Oh Funny <hugs>

This panicking is normal. Loads of people have sudden cold feet near this stage of the process, and it's a horrid feeling

Have confidence in yourself, and in your reasons for choosing adoption in the first place

Yes, it's a huge decision, and that makes it frightening. Take some deep breaths, and try to keep calm. Your emotions may will continue to be all over the place as the match progresses, which is also very normal. Focus on getting to the next stage - a meeting with childs SW?

Pregnant women also can have sudden cold feet and major panics as well by the way, right before the due date! Very normal, so I'm sure some other (birth) mothers on here will be able to empathise with you as well

Much sympathy from over here xx

(ps. i am very happy to hear you may have found your daughter) smile

Happyasapiginshite Wed 03-Oct-12 19:43:04

Funny, we had the exact same feelings near the end of our process. I think it's just panic when the reality hits that your life, the one you've lived and been comfortable with for all these years, is about to change and change is terrifying. These feelings are so so normal, just take everything one day at a time.

You're so emotional now and are having emotional responses. Remember, you made the decision to adopt when you were in your full senses and you know it's right for you. It's just flipping scary.

funnychic Wed 03-Oct-12 19:53:33

Thank you everyone, I've stopped crying enough to type properly but I feel wretched. I feel physically sick and I don't know exactly why. I'm scared of being alone, that I wont love her, she wont love me, and the worst of all is I think she is so cute and adorable now as a baby but I have seen a photo of sibling who let's just say isn't so adorable and I worry she will look like her when she is older. (what a bitch thinking like that). I am just going to leave it for now and wait for the sw to come and see me and hope I feel better when I see her on DVD.
Thanks again everyone I truly appreciate it.

Maryz Wed 03-Oct-12 20:01:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz Wed 03-Oct-12 20:02:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ovenglove Wed 03-Oct-12 20:24:27

Just over 2 years ago I was in exactly the same state. Tonight my dd is tucked up on the sofagrinIt was an emotional rollercoaster, natural to panic but I simply can't imagine life any other way now. Good luck with your match.

DameKewcumber Wed 03-Oct-12 21:07:25

funnychic - we've all suffered from moments or whole days/weeks of panic. The BIG difference with adoption vs birth parenting is that with adoption you get to change your mind right up until you're matched (and tbh though less likely even after that). Presumably past a certain point in pregnancy you accept it as a fait-accompli and even though panicking there really isn't any way out. With adoption there really is a very simple way out.

A few things helped me:

a) why did you decide to adopt? Have those reasons/facts changed? Have you changed? Every time I wobbled I thought about what I wanted life to be like in 5 years time and always came back to wanting a family of my own, to not always feeling like I was hovering on the periphery of other peoples lives/families. Panic or not, thats really was still what I wanted.

b) what if I can't this child, what if I don't even like them, what if I never love them? I was still asking those questions a week or two after meeting DS daily for several hours. I took the decision to go ahead having decided with my head that it was still what I wanted (see a above!), that there really wasn't any concrete reason why I shouldn't get to at least like him and if not him then why would any other child (with a set of totally different issues but still uncertain issues) be any different? I made the pompous decision that whatever happened I would do the right thing by him even if I never loved him, that I would make his life better than it would have been without me in it.

c) when a and b wasn't enough I stuck my fingers in my ears and sang "La la la la la la" so I couldn't hear the voices in my head and kept going anyway!

DS and I did bond perfectly normally, I went through that lovely phase of being totally besotted and in love with him and now I just love him and he is my son. But I felt absolutely nothing for him initially, other than "Oh he's cute".

MaryZed Wed 03-Oct-12 21:46:14

Personally I think Kew's point (c) was what kept me going grin

Italiangreyhound Wed 03-Oct-12 22:31:23

funnychic honey, no words of wisdom - for once! Just a massive virtual hug coming you way [hug]. I am sure you will work all this out and the other ladies have given very good advice.

Be kind to you, it's a massive thing and you are naturally nervous. I second the idea of a list....


Devora Thu 04-Oct-12 00:58:00

Oh bless you, I was EXACTLY the same. With both children! With my birth child - who I struggled to conceive for six years - when I finally got a positive test result my first words were, "Oh shit no, what have I done?!"

With my adopted child, I had SERIOUS cold feet as soon as they found her. Everything you're describing, I went through. I really sympathise.

For now, just try to calm down. You're in shock.

Tomorrow, start making lists. Remind yourself that cold feet is normal for ALL prospective parents, that it's harder for adopters because we go through such a barrage of warnings about how dire it all is. Then revisit your original reasons for wanting to be a mother. Do they still hold true? Do you have reasons for changing your mind, or is it just fear rather than lack of desire?

And yes, watch that DVD. it is a special moment!

MaryZed Thu 04-Oct-12 09:25:42

I hope you are feeling better this morning funnychic.

Come back and talk to us smile

funnychic Thu 04-Oct-12 09:34:37

Morning all,

Thank you all sooo much for the replies, I have stopped feeling sick and the panicky feelings have subsided although I do still feel highly anxious. I wasn't expecting the SW to turn up with any details at all, I thought she was coming to say be patient so the reality of the last 2 days has hit me hard.
The baby is lovely, she is the right age and the circumstances from which she came is much better than I could have hoped for.
So I have decided to carry on and see her sw and the dvd and bring her to life and see how I feel then. No doubt I will keep having the tidal wave of emotions but from what I have read from you lovely people I AM NORMAL!
I will keep you posted. Thanks again

Ladyofthehouse Thu 04-Oct-12 09:34:50

Absolutely agree with all of the above!

After our match (which was just a few weeks ago now!!) we were excited and couldn't believe how perfect it was. Then we had our panic!! DH came home from work in a right flap about taking lots of time off work and would he be able to put them first, then I started freaking out about whether we could afford it. Our SW sensed all this (she is great!), asked to meet us for a coffee for some completely pointless reason and just managed to reassure us about all our strengths. Now we are due to meet them next week and start introductions and still panicking but know that we can do it.

Definitely make the lists!! Writing down why you would be the right parent for the child is so positive. And really helps you to think in that way rather than why are they the right child for me.

And thinking about how they look does not make you a bad person - I was ashamed to say that I felt that way before seeing their photos.

Everyone is individual which is part of the beauty of watching your child grow up. I know I look nothing like my sister in terms of build, hair colour and even our personality is different! And watch the dvd. It's their little ways that you'll fall in love with!

I also think that sometimes as adoptive parents (or parents to be!) we get hung up that we need to be perfect but we need to accept that we will make mistakes the same as any birth parent

You have been matched with this child because you will be the right parent for them. Deep breath and enjoy! And get your notepad out!!

MaryZed Thu 04-Oct-12 09:38:29

You know if you weren't scared that would mean you were a robot. Being anxious is perfectly normal.

This is the most life-changing thing you will ever do. And you are doing it alone, which is tough. I found that with me and dh, only one of us panicked at a time, the other would be pragmatic and positive. But we took turns, and both had moments of "what the fuck are we doing".

You will be fine. And you have plenty of time to either decide to go ahead or not. Don't pressure yourself. But do find someone irl life to confide in.

Lovesoftplay Thu 04-Oct-12 09:56:27

God almighty, I was terrified smile it's totally natural and I think it's a good thing. If u were blasé about the whole thing it would be worrying.

I don't have anything more to add than has been said above but wanted u to know you r supported by as many people as possible smile

BeaLola Thu 04-Oct-12 10:01:02

you are NORMAL & I so agree with what everyone else above has said. If you weren't worrying then I would worry (IYSWIM).

I lay awake at night wondering if we were doing the right thing, would he like us, would we like/love him, would we be able to be the bestest Mummy & Daddy for him, what if we met him & he took one look at us & ran away ? & so it went on & on ......

Re photos -
everyhing about our match seemed perfect & then they showed us a photo - it wasn't a good quality photo just a scanned copy of an email photo & he looked so serious in it ! - we thought he looked lovely but I didn't go oh wow or anything. A few days later we met SW & Foster Mum & she kindly bought a few pictures for us & he looked so lovely & a few weeks later we got a DVD of him throughout the day talking & being "Him" & I watched it loads (until I could have done a word for word voice-over) - it was just the little actions, the way he was that made us just know that he was our one.

Don't put pressure on yourself but do find someone to confide in & voice your thoughts - it will help - preferanbly I would do this with coffee & cake . yuo do not have to go forward if you don't want to but remember IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL LIKE THIS, YOU ARE NORMAL & if this little one is your one they are going to be lucky to have you as their Mummy,

Good Luck XX

Devora Thu 04-Oct-12 16:02:49

I wanted to add something about looks. My birth child was a seriously strange looking baby (she is a great-looking kid now smile) but of course it didn't stop me loving her. My adopted child was a beautiful baby and toddler and I remember the intense relief that gave me. Before I met her, I used to stare obsessively at the nicer photos of her (while anxiously scrutinising her upper lip for signs of fAS, but that's another story).

I was really aware of how shallow this was and worried about what it said about me. But now, in hindsight, I am much more forgiving of myself. At that stage, what she looked like was all I had. Humans ARE programmed to respond to beauty, however uncomfortable that makes us, and when you don't have anything else to love about a as-yet-unknown child, it assumes much greater significance. Just as if, if you were told you had to have an arranged marriage with someone and were shown a photo of a Brad Pitt lookalike, it would be a huge relief - even while you know that that wouldn't mean you would love him more or have a good marriage.

Beautiful children can have ugly birth family, and vice versa. Beautiful children can become plain; plain children can become beautiful. When they're your child and you love them, none of this matters anyway. Forgive yourself this area of irrational worry, and accept it as a symptom of all the understandable turmoil you are going through right now.

Italiangreyhound Thu 04-Oct-12 16:18:34

I have found as you get to know people better you see their true beauty. So as you get to know people those who have nasty personalities seem to get uglier and those who are beautiful people inside get more beautiful! It’s normal to worry about looks and Devora puts it very well.

I am sure once it is all sorted these worries will subside, possibly to be replaced by others but that is part of being a mum, imho!

All best wishes Funnychic.

Lilka Thu 04-Oct-12 17:41:00

I came on this thread with the intention of writing a post about beauty, but Devroa has said it all already smile Don't be hard on yourself about it, it's pretty normal and I think a large majority of adoptive parents (including me) would admit to having thought a lot about our childrens appearance when seeing the very first photo/s

I saw DD2's photo in BMP. I already had her Form E (old CPR's) and was persuing the match, but when the next months magazine came through I looked anyway. I turned a page, and her photo really stood out because she had a really huge smile on her face. I was drawn to it and thought 'oh what a lovely smile she has', and then I noticed her (unusual) name and age next to the picture and just got kind of pins and needles all over 'oh my god, it's x'!! And I spent simply ages just staring at her picture and analysing it! And yes, I was very relieved that she was a pretty girl.

It stops mattering so much when you meet your child and you have so many more things to think about (you get to analyse (and overthink) their behaviour and reaction to you and worry about that instead grin )

Lilka Thu 04-Oct-12 17:41:25

agh, Devora not Devroa sorry!

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