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Help please re: matching

(39 Posts)
MissFenella Wed 22-Aug-12 18:32:16

SW came over today and just dropped into the conversation that they have changed the timetable for meeting our adoptees. They have added an extra 2 weeks onto the timetable.

We have had this discussion before. The FC wanted the girls to move mid October, to fit with their half term and so they could have an early birthday party. We obviously want them here asap but being pragmatic suggested the start of the month. We then got confirmation that the agreed plan was for 1st October. (All of this considering they should have been here from mid sept - but FC booked a holiday and necessitated respite for the girls...)

Today we have been told, its not going to be before mid October at the earliest (ie going with the FC preferred options). The agreed plan wasn't a plan blah de blah.

We being gullible idiots have structured our adoption leave around what was agreed! It such a pain and I genuinely feel that this is to dance to FC tune rather than what is best for the girls.

I doubt we have any authority to change things but does anyone have any advice or failing that could cheer me up a bit?

MissFenella Fri 26-Oct-12 18:52:43

Confused I can empathise with

KristinaM Fri 26-Oct-12 20:54:06


Ifyou have gone from a peaceful childfree household to having 2 kids overnight then you will be totally shell shocked. It's just so much more intense and hard work than you can imagine before you are a parent.

I often s mlie when I hear people saying " oh yes I know all about children, I'm a teacher /nursery nurse". I want to say " yeah,do you work a 168 hour a week shift then? "

As you know now, it's not the same.never getting a break is very exhausting, especially when everything and everyone is so new. And you have the added stress of wanting to do it right all the time because this is what you've wanted for so long.andyou don't want to mess up these poor kids anymore than they have been already .and you can't palm them off on granny /neighbour like bio kids because of the attachment issues.

Asking yourselves " what have we done? "is totally normal I think ? Just keep on keeping on. It's gets better, honest

MissFenella Fri 26-Oct-12 23:01:00

Thanks Kristina - you are of course spot on.

Things get better each day, I have hope :D

PheasantPlucker Sun 28-Oct-12 14:25:00

Hope things are going well

Ladyofthehouse Sun 28-Oct-12 20:31:00

Hi MissFenella,

Our two little girls moved in just before yours by the sound of it and I am now just starting to feel confident around them. I've always thought them adorable and so cute but in the way you would look at a friends child. And when they've been here having tantrums (or worse, the constant toddler whinging!) I have thought why????

The youngest didn't attach to me at all and my DH literally couldn't leave a room for the first week so I really struggled to imagine how I would be at home with both of them when he goes back to work. That is what I think is different. We've had all friends and family giving us advice and their opinions but they just can't understand that what is difficult is now actually knowing these children!

I honestly think you have to just think about 1 day at a time. Each day she has come to me more and more.

Make sure you are giving yourself time to yourself as well. This morning I felt guilty going out for a run but I have felt so much better for it all day without feeling that they are taking all my time and energy.

I'd also advise lists! I've stuck up lists on the inside of the kitchen cupboards for food they like, meal plans, an outline of a routines, ideas of games to play etc. Otherwise it's the moments when I'm truly stuck for how to entertain that get me down.

Hope you are feeling better!

MissFenella Sun 28-Oct-12 21:14:29

Its getting a little better every day. we are taking it slowly and being kind to ourselves.

The girls are fab but Dh and I have not bonded so we are still in babysitting mode but, little changes in their behaviour to 'our' way is starting to help.

KristinaM Sun 28-Oct-12 21:50:08

I'd be worried if you thought you were bonded to them aftre a few weeks. Thinking they are quite cute kids you are babysitting is the best you can expect at this stage. After all, they are total strangersto you. and to them you are total strangers who have kidnapped them. So why shoudl they like you?

I wouldn't like or trust someone who came and took me away from all I've ever known, promising me that they woudl be my " forever family". With their strange voices, faces, smells, food, rules and routines. It must be like being kidnapped by Martians sad

Bonding is hard at the best of times. < whispers> lots of parenst feel like this about their new born babies too. They are just too scared to say. And they have the benefit of a genetic link and family resemblances, in terms of temperament and personality as well as appearance

Italiangreyhound Sun 28-Oct-12 23:14:39

Missfenella all the very best, keep going and enjoy the bits you can. It sounds like things are going well and you are getting lots of good advice and tips on here. Just wanted to wish you well.

WendyGx Wed 31-Oct-12 10:20:45

MissFenella, so please to hear its going in the right direction.
KristinaM, thanks you've made me really, really, think from the child's point of view in the first few days. I appreciate your honesty.

MissFenella Mon 05-Nov-12 21:37:01

Getting better every day!

Thanks for your kind words

Kewcumber Mon 05-Nov-12 22:03:47

Its a bit like moving a man that you quite like the look of and have met a couple of times into your home and spending 24/7 with them! You'd expect it to be a bit stressful, wouldn't you?

Glad to hear its getting a bit better every day. One of the things that kept me going was that each week just seemed to get better and better (though to be fair not every day as I still had ups and downs) but each week was identifiably better than the week before.

2old2beamum Tue 06-Nov-12 12:29:26

I am so glad things are getting better every day. For some reason I found it hard to bond with our 4th adopted DC. Over a year post adoption he was very ill and was waiting to go to theatre for neurosurgery. I suddenly burst into tears as I realised how much I loved him. We were joined at the hip until he died 8years later. The love for your DC's is there but you haven't realised it.
This is not a sad post I loved him so much it was worth it.

Cheltenhamgirl Sat 29-Dec-12 23:36:55

hello just wanted to check how it was going for you? We are at the start of the process and I know it's going to be a long and hard road. We have no children so this will be our first if we get approved.

Italiangreyhound Wed 02-Jan-13 10:37:03

2old2beamum just read your post above, am so sorry for your loss, you sound like an amazing mum.

MissFenella how is it going? Christmas can be a very stressful time for all families, so hope yours was OK and if not, at least it is over. My 2013 be a fabulour year for you and your family.

And for all of us.

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