Arrrgggghhhhhh
I really need some advice /perspective as all I'm doing at the moment is guilt-tripping myself (sorry to turn a noun into a verb there; I must be really stressed!).
I'm 40 and was adopted in 1972. I had lovely, loving, open and honest adoptive parents who have both died in the last 7 years. They were fantastic, i loved them with all my heart and I never thought of them as anything other than my parents. All through my childhood and teens I also just knew that I wanted contact with my birth mother, and I met her when I was 18 or 19 (I initiated contact via the proper channels). At the time it felt like meeting an older sister or other relative who I'd always known; it was very comfortable, and lots of things fell into place for me e.g. where i got my hair colour and eye colour from, etc, and also she was the first blood relative I'd ever met and i did feel a certain natural bond with her. Birth mother met my parents (something that I really didn't want to happen - I have been unable to bring myself to analyse why) and birth mother and I have continued to meet up approximately once / twice a year ever since. So we've known each other for about 21 years, i.e. half my life, and before that I always knew about her and knew her name (the social worker who organised my adoption was a bit of a rule-breaker so my parents were given my birth parents' names) so she has always been a tangible part of my life.
After the first couple of meetings, when the glow had worn off a bit, I began to realise that there were lots of things I didn't really like about my birth mother, (most of them are probably traits that I share with her! ) but I - for whatever reason - tried to ignore this, and carried on with the contact.
My dad died 7 years ago and my mum died 4 years ago. After my mum's death, my birth mother wrote to say that she she wanted to play a bigger part in my life now. I cannot remember what I said in reply (I was grieving, and was horrified and repulsed by her assumption that she could just take over as a mother) - anyway, her reply to my reply was that she realised that she had overstepped the mark. We have continued to meet up once a year or so but I no longer want to - from the day my mum died, my heart just seemed to close over as far as my birth mother is concerned.
We are now at the point where I have recently turned 40 and birth mother wants to take me shopping and buy me a "special gift.". I can't think of anything I'd like less. I really really don't want to see her any more, and haven't wanted to since my mum died, but I am such a pathetic people-pleaser that I have been afraid of upsetting her and i am feeling guily that I am the one who initiated contact and therefore I can't now say that I don't want contact any more .... I'm a mother now, and the thought of one of my children saying that to me just about finishes me off.
Also, now that I'm a mother, I find it impossible to understand her decision to have me adopted. Before I became a parent I understood and accepted why she did it. But now I seem to have put on a massive pair of judgey pants and I dislike her because of what she did. I don't judge other women in this way, and I certainly don't harbour any wish that she had kept me when I was a baby, so what is that judginess all about????
Is there any way to stop seeing her and tell her in as kind a way as possible and not feel guilty about it?!
Thank you if you've managed to read this far!
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
I'm an adult adoptee. I thought I was sorted about all this but I'm not :(
MrsMcEnroe · 04/08/2012 00:13
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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