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Getting in contact with my brother - issues with DMum

(7 Posts)
ohhhadishwasher Sun 09-Oct-11 16:38:51

I'm a only child but found out about 2 yrs ago that my DMum had a DS when she was 17 and gave him up for adoption.

That took a while to sink in and have just had 2nd DC so it has got me thinking about him - my brother again.

DMum (my dad is not in the picture at all) is in process of moving so was going though her stuff and came across a letter from ACR. Turns out she is registered but chose no contact, but he obviously chose contact (if that is the case you get a letter informing you about the other) I asked her about it and she - in the way she does - brushed it off and said that she did it on a whim and doesn't want to get in contact with him so chose no contact. Then she looked at me and said that she doesn't want me to get in contact with him either (she knows me too well on that score)

But I have been thinking about it. He obviously chose contact for his own reasons and he must have felt terrible that someone went out of way to say no contact.
Now we have DC2 my interest has peaked and even printed off my own ACR form to fill out.

DH says it is my decision.
but I don't really want to upset my Dmum by doing it behind her back or in secret. Yet I am intrigued.

I'm torn I feel like I want to but it would feel wrong (?) to do so when DMum has asked me not to

Anyone got any experiences of this on either side and can give me some advice?

Also on AIBU but thought may get slightly different viewpoints here so can weigh more things up. Thanks

shebird Mon 10-Oct-11 09:35:00

Hi OP I also found out I had an adopted brother about 4 years ago. He got in contact with my Mum and then eventually she told me and my brother and sisters. We decided against telling my youngest sister as she was still in her teens and we felt she couldn't cope with this news until she's older and more mature.

Anyhow I agreed to meet him which was odd but went ok and I thought we could go on to get to know eachother bit by bit. We chatted now and then on the phone and by text but mostly the conversations were about his resentment at being adopted. I tried to be compassionate and understanding but he just became more and more spiteful and would say horrible things about my family. He threatened to tell my youngest sister about his adoption when he knew we did not want this and eventually I told my mum I couldnt deal with his anger anymore and I cut off contact with him.

I was hurt and sad as I had expected a different outcome as I'm sure you do with your brother. All I'm saying is it might go really well but it also opens a can of worms and it might not be the outcome you expect so be prepared.

KristinaM Mon 10-Oct-11 11:31:47

Obviously its your mothers legal right to choose not to have any contcat with her biological son. Personally i feel this is very hard hearted and that she has a morla duty to h im. Many adoptees just want to know soemthing of their biological famioy and the circumstances around their adoption. I think its quite cruel to deny him even this basic informtaion.

Your mother has no right to ask you not to be in touch with your own brother. You are both adults and it clear that he wants to have soem contcat with you. You dont even need to meet him if you dont want to. Just a letter with details of your family and soem photographs could mean the world to him

I feel very very sorry for your brother. Its very hard to accept that your own parents didnt want you. You tell yoursefl that they were young, perhaps had no family support etc. I ts even harder to accept that she cares so littel, even now, that she cant spend an hour and the cost of a stamp to write to you.

I understand that your mother may not be happy if your dont share her views and it may cause problems in your reltionship. But neither you or your brother asked to be put in this situation. The people who made these choices were your mother and her partner at the time ( not sure if its your bio dad too). And we all have to live with the consequences of our decisions. You cant just sweep human beings under the carpet and pretend they never existed.

I agree with your dh. you must do what you belive is right.good luck

PigletJohn Mon 10-Oct-11 11:58:36

I think you should, but there is some guidance available about how to go about it and reduce emotional and other risks (e.g. if one of you is a manipulative sponging parasite or a criminal - which I am really not suggesting but apparently you are supposed to guard against).

I found a long-lost cousin of my mother's and got them in touch, it turned out she was just a very tiresome, needy, clinging, complaining type, and I still get daily emails from her about the day's woes sad

TheOriginalFAB Mon 10-Oct-11 12:01:19

Your mother made her own choices which is her right but she can no longer make choices for him - she gave him up - or for you as you are an adult.

shebird Mon 10-Oct-11 17:28:59

pigletjohn I wish I'd had some of that guidance! I suggest to the OP that she make use if this if possible. Also be prepared for lots of questions regarding your mum as he is bound to want to know more about her and if she really feels strongly about no contact then you need to be very careful.

gillybean2 Sun 16-Oct-11 14:46:21

How very unfair of your mum, to tell you what you can or can't do and guilt you into a choice you don't want to make...

And worse still, imo, to open the door on your brother only to slam it in his face again.
Dealing with the rejection is one of if not the hardest thing of being an adoptee. Now he has been doubly rejected he must feel awful.

So she got what she wanted - to know he is alive and has been thinking of her all these years. But for whatever reason she doesn't want to open up whatever can of worms (fear, guilt, hurt etc) that she has been surpressing all these years.
And yet she kept his letter... So on some level she does want to know more, but perhaps is too scared to do so.

Perhaps ask your mother if she would prefer you lie to her and go behind her back if you wanted to be in touch with your brother.
If she says yes then she has left the door open for you to contact him and not inform her.
If she says no then tell her that you are seriously considering it and if she wants to talk to you more about it she can.

I personally would contact NORCAP and ask them to help you. You do have to pay for the service, but it means that they will contact your brother on your behalf. They will initiate contact, speak to you, speak to him and advise you both of what you both want and help you move forward. They will also pass bits of info on from you to him, and vice versa until you both feel ready to contact each other directly.

In my situation I know that my adopted parents will be devastated to hear I have been searching and have found my birth mother and am close to tracking down my half brother who was also later adopted by a different family.
But it is my choice. And my choice is not to tell them at this stage because I don't need to deal with their unhappiness at this time because this is something I need to do for me.
I may tell them at some point, I will have to if I decide I would like her to meet ds beause clearly he cold blurt it out to them and that would be unfair on everyone. But until they need to know I don't feel that I have to tell them.

My birth mother asked if my adopted parents were still alive. Because I think a significant number of adoptees feel they have to wait until their parents aren't there to be hurt by it to go looking. Of course by then it is sometimes too late.

Enough time has been wasted for you and your brother - a situation neither of you asked for or had any say in. But you do get to have a say now, whether your mum likes it or not. She can tell you how she feels about it, but she can't order you not to have contact.

I think she may need to speak to someone who can help her work through her issues. She has kept them buried for a very long time after all. But that is a separate issue from your question here.

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