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Meeting birth mother for 1st time

(5 Posts)
ChildofIsis Fri 01-Jul-11 22:26:49

I've just arranged to meet up with my birth mother for the first time.
It was over 43 years ago when she last saw me.

We've been getting on great on the phone and are both cautious about things moving too fast. We don't want to lose each other now we've been reunited.

I'm unsure what I'm feeling and actually feel quite nervous. What if we don't like each other? We've exchanged photos, I'm concerned that I may look too much like my birth father for my bm to cope with.

I know I'm over thinking this but I've spent most of my life waiting for this to happen and now am not sure what to do.

Does anyone have any advice?

Divawithattitude Fri 01-Jul-11 23:16:32

Don't expect to feel an instant rush of affection for her.

Don't expect to get all your questions answered the first time you meet.

Don't stare too much looking for resemblences between you!!

She has been waiting all her life for this meeting too I expect and she will probably feel more emotional than you do.

Speaking as someone who has been there...................

Good Luck.

gillybean2 Sat 02-Jul-11 08:35:47

Perhaps you could exchange photos so you aren't left staring and can look for the resemblances etc before you meet?

I have recently sent my BM a photo and am waiting for one back. I haven't yet spoken to her although I do now have her address. I am meant to be writing her a letter next...

I am using an intermediary to help us with this and he has been great for advise and supprt and helping us both come to terms with our feelings as well as helping me understand my BM's feelings too without it being all emotional and upsetting getting the answers or expressing our concerns directly to each other. I have been given articles and pointed at books that are helping me deal with the emotions of all this. I have been able to express the kind of questions I want to ask, re birth father, the circumstances which ed to my adoption etc. He has then asked her some of these things and got some answers. I probably wouldn't have asked these things directly, certainly not at first or at the first meeting for fear of frightening her off or upsetting my BM in case she backed off. It's also meant I can think and express my feelings with regard to my adopted family and how they may find all this and how to deal with that too.

Obviously you're beyond that point but you may find it useful to talk to someone if things don't go as well as you hoped or if you come to a sticky patch and can't move beyond it.

Good luck with your meeting, I hope it goes well for you both.

smokeandglitter Sat 02-Jul-11 18:43:36

Firstly, congratulations! I'm so pleased for you. It's a very long time to wait but I'm sure it will be worth it.

Croydon ss didnt help me at all, or give me any advice (I was only just 18yo) but I found it helpful to both bring photos of family and things we'd done to give us something to chat about. Have a friend who you can chat with after - if you want to (this definately helped me). Meeting in a neutral place is a suggestion I read, but saying that I met my brother and sister at my sis' house and that went fine. She does have two young children though smile

Also agree with Gillybean not to ask too much at the beginning. It's hard though, eighteen years was a long enough wait for me and its my birth father who I see regularly now. My mum doesnt want me or to know about me or anything. I suppose my Dad approached it a bit differently because I'm still quite young?

ChildofIsis Mon 04-Jul-11 16:49:48

Thank you for your replies.

Diva how is your Mum about all of it?
My Mum is thrilled about it all, but as the meeting gets closer she's clearly getting scared.
She seems to think that having met each other we won't bother again.

Of course that may happen, however i hope not.

I'm getting quite nervous about it, my DH and friends have been very supportive.

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