DH didn’t come home from night out without a text how mad would you be?!

(362 Posts)
Wifewiththerage Thu 02-Dec-21 07:18:39

I’ve name changed for this but been around quite a long time.

Like 100’s of others DH’s went on his Christmas night out last night, he told me he would be leaving around 2300 to catch the bus and as of yet has still not appeared.

A few details so I’m not drip feeding, DH is an all round good guy, very family oriented and last time he went out was 4 years ago. He is however very happy and gregarious when he’s had a few pints and over the years has woke up the next again day regretting life decisions (Yeager bombs, clubs (deffo not a club person) etc)

He is on the force’s, which are traditionally messy as nights out go, he has his ID card with him which is why I’m definitely not panicking as has access to base/accommodation etc and military personnel quite often book a room for after a night as sometimes quarters are quite far from base city centre etc.

We probably are quite independent compared to some as DH is often away on courses/meetings etc so he can go for dinner and watch football and I might not hear from him until the next day and likewise with my plans.

I’m not well, no COVID thankfully but have been in my bed for the last 4 days and DH has been fabulous with work, children, life admin etc. He said he couldn’t miss tonight, had to show face hence telling me it wouldn’t be late.

He’s 100% been swept up in tide of social expectation, drinking games but I actually feel so hurt that he didn’t see fit to send a text and I’ve laid awake most of the night (mostly with rage) because I’ve kept the front door unlocked.

He’ll definitely play the my “phone died” and “I missed my bus” card but I did get a wee bit stalkery at 0230 and checked last time on WatsApp which was 2300 ish so he definitely had a point up until then to make contact!

How angry would you be and how would you play this when you hear from him?

I’m predicting the “Hi, I’m really sorry” WatsApp within the next hour!!!

OP’s posts: |
Thefuturestory Thu 02-Dec-21 07:22:29

Who is sorting out the children this morning if you have been ill in bed?

I’d probably go down the disappointed you didn’t prioritise coming home route.

girlmom21 Thu 02-Dec-21 07:22:42

I'd be pissed off.

DP did this once. Then went straight into work the next morning. When he finally answered my phone call (after id called the local hospital - it was that out of character!) he acted like he didn't understand the problem.

He was going through some stuff and clearly someone at work gave him a kick up the arse. I got a proper apology and iys never happened again.

ThePlantsitter Thu 02-Dec-21 07:23:08

To be honest if DH did this I'd worry he was dead in a ditch but clearly we have different lifestyles. I'm saying this because you have to be guided by your own feelings/situation - if you're angry then be angry! But if you've decided it's an over reaction (like really decided and not just to keep the peace) well then just drop it. I definitely don't think it's unreasonable, clingy, or moany to be be pissed off of that's what you're worried about though.

Thefuturestory Thu 02-Dec-21 07:23:11

And where did these men go in between clubs closing and coming home?

Incywinceyspider Thu 02-Dec-21 07:24:51

Personally I'd be worried until I knew for definite that he was ok. Then yes, I'd be upset he didn't let me know his plans to stay out. Zero hangover sympathy but I'd probably get over it unless it's something he does regularly. Why don't you message him asking where he is?

SickAndTiredAgain Thu 02-Dec-21 07:25:57

I’d be annoyed, especially if I’d be ill in bed for four days. In bed for four days sounds quite bad, and are you now having to get up and take kids to school etc?


Eloisedublin123 Thu 02-Dec-21 07:26:24

I’d be cross OP. Hope you get a nap today!

LondonWolf Thu 02-Dec-21 07:26:31

I’d be worried but I wouldn’t be angry if it’s not a regular event.

Wifewiththerage Thu 02-Dec-21 07:26:53

@Thefuturestory looks like me!! Thankfully I do feel a bit better this morning but he doesn’t know that and felt awful last night when he left.

@girlmom21 DH has done it before too but probably around 16/18 years ago when were foot loose and fancy free, we had 3 young DC and I was very pissed of it at him them, possibly fuelled by no sleep and baby vomit!!

OP’s posts: |
MistyFrequencies Thu 02-Dec-21 07:27:07

Given the history etc I'd likely let it go with a "next time can we have an agreement that we text/call if it's looking like we're not coming home". He hasn't been out in 4 years, he made a mistake.

Incywinceyspider Thu 02-Dec-21 07:27:12

Oh just seen that you're ill. Yep I'd be angry

Quartz2208 Thu 02-Dec-21 07:28:02

I think it is telling forces aside that your first instinct is that he is absolutely fine and continued the night rather than something happening.

He knew you were not ill and that he wouldnt be late - getting swept up isnt an excuse. Getting swept up and not informing someone is very much out of order.

I dont get sometimes on Mumsnet the its ok to stay out all night and not let people know attitude. A simple text avoids a lot of worry and means that if you are annoyed it is on a lot lower level. It is just polite IMO. It is a house rule of ours actually - stay out later, be home later fine plans change. But let us know

Wifewiththerage Thu 02-Dec-21 07:28:57

@Incywinceyspider I did twice, I’m guessing replying back doesn’t fit in with the whole “phone dying” story which he is 100% going to try and blame!

OP’s posts: |
WTF475878237NC Thu 02-Dec-21 07:30:06

I've never had a partner do this so I can't be sure but my instinct would tell me something must have happened to him!

In your shoes given he has form for this and you're not well I would be really annoyed. I also would expect him to take his keys and would never leave the front door unlocked and prioritise him over our safety.

Youngatheart00 Thu 02-Dec-21 07:30:21

For god sake, it’s been 4 years since the man went out!

He should have text yes, but he probably didn’t for expecting a torrent of abuse so decided to defer it til the next day.

YABU - just make sure you get your own Christmas night out at some point

RestingPandaFace Thu 02-Dec-21 07:31:00

We used to have a very similar sounding relationship, but since DH left we’re a bit more homebody now.

To be honest I’d be pissed off with him for changing his plans without texting, but I get the need to blow off some steam every now and then, and if they were drinking in the mess and having a good time it’s quite hard to leave.

I’d tell him to book a transit cabin for future do’s so that you don’t have this, and I’d expect royal treatment for a few weeks.

Mackmama Thu 02-Dec-21 07:32:35

I’d be furious, and worried. My ex used to pull this stunt quite regularly and I just couldn’t cope with it, which is why he’s my ex! I hope you’re okay OP xx

Ellen888 Thu 02-Dec-21 07:33:06

IMO your DH should not have gone out in the first place if you weren't well and especially not on a week night when you have to get the kids off to school.

I would be furious, but I can't tell you what to feel or how to handle it.

Any news/text yet.

SophieHatterPendragon Thu 02-Dec-21 07:33:10

I’d be annoyed but mainly because I have anxiety and my mind would be leaping to all the scary places like he’s been in an accident.

RedHot22 Thu 02-Dec-21 07:33:14

I’m sorry but I would assume he had spent the night with someone else

BigSandyBalls2015 Thu 02-Dec-21 07:34:06

Why hasn’t he been out for 4 years shock. I wouldn’t be mad at him.

Rainbowsew Thu 02-Dec-21 07:37:52

I'd be furious, because I'd think something awful had happened. So yes he should have text, just so you could relax and sleep.

Wifewiththerage Thu 02-Dec-21 07:37:55

I think possibly his preference would have been to go on and enjoy the messy night out from the beginning and book military accommodation. I was a bit miffed that he was actually going (which as seen with my previous posts is quite out of character for me as though he doesn’t do big nights out, is often out watching football, meals, a few drinks in the mess etc and I never have issue) as I was so ill but he said he had to go to show face and I did wonder why he took his pass with him if he was coming home so maybe he felt a bit dammed if he did dammed if he didn’t and in the end turned his phone off and went with the whole deal with the consequences in the very hungover morning!

Our DC aren’t little youngest is 8 and other two are at secondary but in someways makes it works as they are so used to there DF being there at night/morning unless at work they have asked me a about a 1,000 questions already to his whereabouts!

OP’s posts: |
Gazelda Thu 02-Dec-21 07:38:22


For god sake, it’s been 4 years since the man went out!

He should have text yes, but he probably didn’t for expecting a torrent of abuse so decided to defer it til the next day.

YABU - just make sure you get your own Christmas night out at some point

I don't sense that OP is the type that would give a torrent of abuse.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a courtesy check-in text to see how you're feeling and to let you know he's staying out.

I think I'd go down the 'disappointed' route. He's entitled to a good night out. And it sounds as though you're comfortable with him changing plans and staying over on base. But a quick text would have reassured you and let you know to lock the front door.

Looking at it another way, if he knew his phone was dying, then he should have either texted straight away or come home. To leave you worrying in bed while ill was disrespectful.

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