Would you get involved if two adult children were involved in an argument?

(28 Posts)
SuperstoreFan Thu 28-Oct-21 08:47:51

Basically as the title says.

No I'm not one of the children involved but I'm witnessing the consequences.

Or would you stand on the sidelines and watch your family implode?

I understand that there may be a reluctance to be seen as 'taking sides' but I can't wrap my head around not saying anything and the situation has escalated to threats towards one sibling's family.

OP’s posts: |
SuperstoreFan Thu 28-Oct-21 08:49:11

Sorry the thread title doesn't make sense, they're definitely adults, not children.

OP’s posts: |
FreeBritnee Thu 28-Oct-21 08:49:18

Our family has imploded and neither parent got involved. I don’t know what I think really. It’s probably for the best but when you know you’re right it’s quite irritating 🤣

Howshouldibehave Thu 28-Oct-21 08:57:17

When you say adult children, do you mean adult siblings?

It would depend on my relationship to them both and how close we were?

SuperstoreFan Thu 28-Oct-21 09:01:07

Howshouldibehave

When you say adult children, do you mean adult siblings?

It would depend on my relationship to them both and how close we were?

Yes adult siblings.

I would say that the parents are equally close to both siblings however one has moved away (not far) and the other sibling is round the parents house every day so who knows really.

OP’s posts: |
FOJN Thu 28-Oct-21 09:09:14

Difficult to say without knowing the details. I think it's usually best to let adults resolve their own differences unless you think the disagreement is based on a misunderstanding where shedding some light would resolve things.

In this situation you say things have escalated to threats but I'm not clear if that is threats of violence or simply pointing out consequences, as in, "if you do X, I will do Y". If it was threats of violence I would feel the need to say something. Violence is only ever acceptable in self defence, using the threat of it to intimidate is not OK.

pumpkinpie01 Thu 28-Oct-21 09:14:24

If any of mine fell out then yes I would . My sister and I fell out a couple of years ago for months and I was quite surprised that my parents didn't intervene to be honest

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SuperstoreFan Thu 28-Oct-21 09:16:38

FOJN

Difficult to say without knowing the details. I think it's usually best to let adults resolve their own differences unless you think the disagreement is based on a misunderstanding where shedding some light would resolve things.

In this situation you say things have escalated to threats but I'm not clear if that is threats of violence or simply pointing out consequences, as in, "if you do X, I will do Y". If it was threats of violence I would feel the need to say something. Violence is only ever acceptable in self defence, using the threat of it to intimidate is not OK.

I'm having to be vague as it is very outting but yes the threats are of violence, the parents have been told that if anything happens the police will be called.

It stems from a misunderstanding, the sibling has apologised repeatedly but the other sibling claims that they have received no apologies and if the 'offending' sibling refuses to argue about it then the other sibling has 'won'.

Honestly it's as batshit as it sounds.

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MaitlandGirl Thu 28-Oct-21 09:18:15

It’s happened in my wife’s family. BIL behaved really badly (threats and extended abuse) towards me and my wife (his sister). He also threw a lot of abuse at their parents.

Neither of my in-laws ever took him to one side and told him he was out of order. We didn’t want them to take sides but we both think they could and should have said threatening to kill people and getting so abusive that we had to involve the police wasn’t acceptable behaviour.

Instead they’ve accepted his poor mental health as an excuse for it all and are putting pressure on us to just forget about it, after all “you know what he’s like when he’s been drinking”.

We don’t want anything to do with him again and have pulled back from the in-laws. We never wanted them to take sides but their lack of empathy over what he’s put us through for the past 22 months has made us see them in a totally different light.

FOJN Thu 28-Oct-21 09:35:26

If the offending sibling has apologised and the other sibling is now threatening violence then I'm not sure there's anything the parents can say or do. I would not be supporting the adult child threatening violence.

Sometimes people do shitty things and the people affected become angry but if an apology is given then it's up to the angry sibling to take some time out to come to terms with whatever happened and decide if they want to maintain a relationship with the other person. Continuing the arguement and threatening violence is unnecessary. That is assuming the "offending" sibling has actually apologised.

romdowa Thu 28-Oct-21 09:38:05

I'm going to guess you are one of the parents. I think when a conflict gets to the stage where one side is threatening violence, then its probably time to pull them to the side and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable. Arguments happen but the one who is being subjected to threats needs to be supported.

SuperstoreFan Thu 28-Oct-21 09:43:01

FOJN

If the offending sibling has apologised and the other sibling is now threatening violence then I'm not sure there's anything the parents can say or do. I would not be supporting the adult child threatening violence.

Sometimes people do shitty things and the people affected become angry but if an apology is given then it's up to the angry sibling to take some time out to come to terms with whatever happened and decide if they want to maintain a relationship with the other person. Continuing the arguement and threatening violence is unnecessary. That is assuming the "offending" sibling has actually apologised.

Yes the sibling has apologised, in person and over phone message, I have heard and seen them myself.

Threats of violence have been made and the 'offending' sibling's family contains a physically vulnerable member who has genuinely dome nothing wrong and is only involved by marriage.

OP’s posts: |
MagicWorkout Thu 28-Oct-21 09:45:30

I'd make it clear to both that I expected them to sort it out, but I wouldn't try and do it myself.

I'm not sure how effective it would be, but I don't think my getting involved would help anyone.

RacketeerRalph Thu 28-Oct-21 09:51:58

It would very much depend on the circumstances but no, I don't think I would. I wouldn't expect my parents to get involved in any arguments I had with my family. But we aren't the imploding types

Monsterpumpkins Thu 28-Oct-21 09:54:30

Op I am worried we are related!
2 of my dc have had heated rows. Sadly this has meant one has disowned all of us despite me keeping completely out of it.
I do know the full details. Kept my dm head out of it and things imploded anyway..
Very sad...

Whatinthelord Thu 28-Oct-21 09:59:35

As others have said, it’s hard to comment without specific, however Based on the info given I think I would attempt intervention to a point.

If I were the parent in this situation I think I’d attempt to speak to the chil d threatening violence about their behaviour and encourage them to stop. I’d also speak to the other child about feeling free to contact the police if they want\need to.

I think I’d be encouraging the two siblings to have no contact at this point. Best for them to no contact each other at all.

If that doesn’t work then I’d be making it clear to the threatening child that their behaviour wouldn’t be accepted within the family.

Are you\the parents scared of this child too?
Has the threatening child been abusive or violent in the past?

honeylulu Thu 28-Oct-21 10:02:38

I try and stay out of other people's disputes and adult children would be no different. Though it might depend on the circumstances.

My sister and I have fallen out, essentially because she was jealous of somethingthat happened to me. She has behaved appallingly and not just cut me off but worked out ways of excluding me and my children from the wider family. She's the golden child though and my parents have just pandered to her because "she's sensitive" and "gets so upset" and "you don't mind things so much". It's very hurtful and seems so wrong. I know if I was the one who'd behaved badly they would be down on me like a ton of bricks!

NoDecentHandlesLeft Thu 28-Oct-21 10:15:47

I would mostly stay out of it except to tell them they are both welcome for family events and need to be civil to each other if they are both there.

DowntonCrabby Thu 28-Oct-21 10:18:23

NoDecentHandlesLeft

I would mostly stay out of it except to tell them they are both welcome for family events and need to be civil to each other if they are both there.

Yes this.

SuperstoreFan Thu 28-Oct-21 11:38:39

Thanks all, we're not the parents and unless it escalates even further we will carry on keeping our heads down.

OP’s posts: |
Bananarama21 Thu 28-Oct-21 11:44:15

I'm one of the children in the situation you describe. I spoke up against sil and the manner in which she spoke to me and also how she spoke to my dm previously which I did let slide to keep the peace. They both been quite dismissive of my elderly dps dbro not wanting to help his parents to move something when one is terminally ill and sil rolling her eyes at my dm asking my brother for help. My dm isn't one for confrontation but completely respects the fact I told them, she trys to stay inpartial sometimes I do wish she would pull him side and say something but she doesn't want or need the fallout of it and is worried about not being able to see the grandchild.

RestingPandaFace Thu 28-Oct-21 11:47:19

I wouldn’t normally get involved, but ai think II would actually say something to the one threatening violence, especially if they have already received their apology. They are being unreasonable and need to be told so.

QueeniesCroft Thu 28-Oct-21 11:49:38

Sometimes the parents are part of the dynamic that lead to the fallout in the first place. Mine certainly were. My sister has always controlled my parents, and the rest of the family. She was extremely violent to me since I was a baby, and nothing was ever done about it (things like shaving all the skin of my forearm, pushing me down stairs, locking me in a cellar and denying she had seen me, that kind of stuff).

Eventually I got fed up and refused to "just go along with it" or "keep the peace" any more. My mother claimed to be keeping out of it, but actually just saw my sister more and excluded me from any event my sister would be present at.

I've solved the problem by having the bare minimum of contact with my parents and none at all with my sister, but I think my family is unusually toxic. With my own kids, I would probably give an opinion if asked, and would definitely have something to say about threats of violence.

WellTidy Thu 28-Oct-21 11:57:40

I’ve seen it in my mum’s family. My mum’s sister and my mum’s brother fell out dramatically. It lasted decades. Their mother (my grandmother) refused to get involved as she didn’t want either of them to fall out with her. So she left them to it and they never made up, not even when she (their mum) died. My mum’s sister has since died and they still hasn’t made up then. So sad, but each of them had their children and nuclear family and were very happy.

My DH’s sisters have also recently fallen out. ILs haven’t intervened at all, just listened to each of their perspectives, but they have told one SIL that she is right and that the other SIL is being manipulative. Obviously the other SIL doesn’t know this. The two SILs will move on, I’m sure - they may not resolve their dispute but they will move on from it.

stealingbeauty Thu 28-Oct-21 12:00:14

It’s happened in my family and I think it’s extremely important that other adults don’t get involved. Because in my family one party lied and has turned people against the other using lies and manipulation. That’s why other people should not get involved.

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