Desperate for a baby

[Becky131992]

Hi there, new to this and I'm really struggling.
I am DESPERATE to try for a baby. When I say my heart aches, it's an understatement. I'm at the age now where my friends are falling pregnant and whilst I'm happy for them this is tinged with sadness.

So I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together over 10 years. No ring, but that's a whole other story...

We have lived together for three years. We are very happy, we have a good laugh together, still fancy each other and are best friends.
However, this is pushing us apart. I wanted to start trying a few months ago and he wants to wait another couple of years. I honestly don't think I can. I have tried very hard to make him realise its the right time (I know i shouldnt be pressuring him but I can't help it). I've even sent him graphs and age related statistics.. But even if there was no such thing as a biological clock I'd still want to start trying now.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him. How do I make myself wait?

As a side note, I also work with babies and children and this doesn't help. Also everyone in my life keeps asking me when we will have children. I know he definitely wants them which is a bonus, but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.

[Glassofshloer]

No ring, but that's a whole other story...

Unless there’s a very compelling reason, it sounds like he just doesn’t want to do the whole marriage/kids thing with you.

If I were a betting woman I would say he’s holding out to see if anything else comes along, but keeping you on the boil in case it doesn’t.

Sorry that sounds brutal but in my experience if a man is crazy about you, they get the ring on the finger within a few years.

[Becky131992]

Fair point...

[Blankspace4]

It’s been 10 years.

From someone who waited too long to start trying, take it from me, he’s the wrong man.

I’d get out while you are still young enough to meet someone who shares your vision of family life

[Glassofshloer]

Sorry I know that sounds cutting but I can’t stand seeing men stringing women along for years before dumping them & popping kids out with a new girlfriend within a couple of years. It’s so unfair! I would lay it on the table - marriage and a baby (in that order), or you leave and find somebody crazy about you who will give you these things.

On a separate note, don’t let society trick you into thinking at 29 you’re ‘really young’ when it comes to having babies. You’re young of course, but not biologically speaking - you only need to read some of the very sad threads on here by women who felt pressured to wait until their late 30s, only for it to be too late. Wanting babies in your 20s is not unreasonable or premature.

I wish you luck & hope it all works out for you soon, whatever happens! X

[CherryLeaf]

I think you need to consider when the lack of ring/family thing is a deal breaker for you. Been together 10 years and living together for 3… what does he say when you ask him? What is it he’s waiting for? This would ring alarm bells for me. It doesn’t sound like he’s on board. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable here-just commitment after so long. I don’t think you should need to find a way to make yourself wait at all… if you’ve sent him fertility graphs etc then it’s not lack of knowledge on his part, it’s a conscious choice not to move forward with you. Sorry OP

[Learnthroughplay3]

A few things can stop a man proposing money, not believing in it,etc, most people get married for none romantic reasons these days, I don't have advise on the babies as I would be same as you hope it all works out for you

[Becky131992]

Thanks both, I know your right I just don't know what to do. I love this man and we have a great life and home together. I cant picture life without him. But that's what I'm scared of happening, is it me he doesnt want?
My clock is definitely ticking. X

[SorryPardonWhat]

If he knows how important this is to you, and he still wants to put it off, then he doesn't care enough about you. I would leave. Say thank you for a great ten years but I'm at the end of the road here.

[Becky131992]

Hes just not that interested in marriage, he thinks it's a waste of money and doenst change anything. Id kinda come around to idea of that after many arguements/me crying lol.
X

[Elzbells]

My husband was like this. Together from 24 and 25. Expected a ring every birthday from
about 27 - disappointed every year.

When I was 30 I had CIN3 cells in my cervix and was told that if i wanted a family to get on with it. I told him it might take a year - I was pregnant within the month. He was not amused when Intold him it had happened so quickly but soon came round.

He was the BEST dad, we had our second when I was 34, he never proposed properly
but I got my ring on my 40th birthday and we married just before my 41st.

He was very badly damaged by his own dads infidelity and divorce during his teens but we have been together 25 years now and just as happy.

[KILM]

Really sorry you're in this situation OP, must be really tough.
How come it took so long before you lived together?
Honestly... he's been pretty clear he doesnt want marriage or a baby... if he did relent you'd always feel like you forced him into it... plus when it gets really tough with the baby would he do his fair share or would he be like 'well YOU wanted this?'
Ultinately OP if you really want a baby, your focus should be on making sure you've found the best dad for that baby, not trying to persuade someone round... you owe it to your unborn child to give them a dad whose enthusiastic about being a father!

[NowEvenBetter]

If he’s ‘not interested’ why doesn’t he just do it, so you both have the legal benefits and protections? He’s bullshitting you.
Is he using condoms, or does he expect you to prevent pregnancy alone? Do you not want a better boyfriend than this? Like, really?

[mnahmnah]

You don’t have to spend a lot on a wedding. And it does change a lot actually. It gives you and children legal protection and rights. There is a point to marriage, other than a wedding day. He obviously doesn’t want either with you. You are young enough to find someone who does want that.

[Becky131992]

We took a while to live together as I was in uni for a long time and we saved up for a big deposit.
We are using condoms, i came off the pill earlier in the year as I was dreaming that I wanted to get my body/ cycle in order ready to start trying. X

[Outfoxedbyrabbits]

Your last post in particular makes him sound, um, an undesirable option.

If he's "just not that interested in marriage" but you're super keen on it then he can go ahead and do it, can't he? Because he doesn't really care but it will make you very happy, so it's no skin off his nose to do it. It also changes PLENTY legally and financially (are you the lower earner and/or would you be the one taking the financial hit with children in terms of parental leave and so on?).

My husband is a few years younger than me. When we started dating I was quite clear that I wanted to start a family by the time I was 30. He considered this, proposed within two years and was the one who suggested TTC when we decided to try for a baby.

I would not have children with a man without being married to him. Marriage protects the weaker (financially) party. Have a read of some threads on here by women who have had children before marriage and then regretted it. In your shoes I'd be delivering an ultimatum - not to force his hand, but because if he can't give you what you want (marriage and babies) then it's better that you're off.

"Jack, it's been ten years. You know I want to get married and start a family. You don't seem to want those things so I think it's best we split up as I'm looking for more from a relationship at this stage."

[Outfoxedbyrabbits]

Your post at 22:54, I meant

[ArranMumma]

This happened to my friend. She eventually went to therapy with her boyfriend to talk about why he won't commit to having kids with her when they are both 32 years old and financially stable etc. After a couple of sessions, the therapist said that from listening to them, it was clear that the bf had no interest in children and was just unable to communicate that as he knew it would mean the end of the relationship. They had to break up. It was really sad as they loved each other, but she wants kids one day so their futures were not compatible and she was living in hell not knowing if he would ever agree to kids with her.

[MatildaIThink]

but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.
Him wanting to wait is no more selfish than you wanting to be pregnant now, the fact that you can't see that is issue.

[Becky131992]

@MatildaIThink

but he thinks we have plenty of time and wants to carry on being selfish for now.
Him wanting to wait is no more selfish than you wanting to be pregnant now, the fact that you can't see that is issue.

These were his words. He wants to put himself first still and do things before he has a child. Hence, he said he still wants to be selfish for now.

[Summerbreeze111]

Has he given you a time line? Would he negotiate and meet you in the middle? So 1 year instead of 2?

Are you both ready for a baby practically, i.e where you want to be with your careers, home, finances etc? You mention that he wants to spend time before having children, have you both been on holidays together etc? Maybe these are on his mind too?

[Winecurestiredness]

I am the same age as you. I have two primary school age kids...imo you are wasting precious years with him. There are men out there who like you really want a family but haven't found the right woman. Okay they might be older than 32, but probably more mature. I do think you deserve better

[Becky131992]

@Summerbreeze111

Has he given you a time line? Would he negotiate and meet you in the middle? So 1 year instead of 2?

Are you both ready for a baby practically, i.e where you want to be with your careers, home, finances etc? You mention that he wants to spend time before having children, have you both been on holidays together etc? Maybe these are on his mind too?

Apparently him saying 2 years is meeting me in the middle. Yes we have good jobs, we earn a similar amount of money. A 3 bedroom house. We have been on lots of holidays over the years, very well travelled!

[Summerbreeze111]

Hmmm it is a difficult one and i don't think it's as straightforward as just leaving him when you love him and overall you seem well matched?

Do you think he is being sincere about wanting children? Does he seem excited about having them with you in the future? Does he ever mention it?

I am 30 and I am also very broody! So I understand what you are going through! We won't be in a position to ttc until next year but the wait is awful.

[Becky131992]

He has said many times he definitely wants them, and he talks about having a little sprog running around and that he 'wants the whole football team'
I'm scared I'm being taken for a mug though after reading all these comments.it's so hard isn't it x

[PutBabyInTheCorner]

I had all my children in my 30s which was great and the right time. I'm not married, my other half would like to be but I don't see the point (I'm financially secure). Unlike other posters I don't think marriage is a deal breaker at all before having kids. You sound prepared financially and your other half doesn't sound like a bad person because he wants to wait a bit. I get his logic if you have a nice life he doesn't want to change things. I'd tell him you definitely want to start trying in a year and see if he agrees.