I am horrible to my kids and DH all the time and it's fucking miserable

[HateThisLife]

I'm at a bit of a loss and need some help before the next couple of years of my life disappear into a hole of horribleness

I have 2 young children (5&3) and in my 3rd trimester with very unplanned/surprise DC3. I am so, so irritable and horrible all the time. I constantly snap at the children for doing children things (talking constantly, demanding stuff, whining, being slow, being messy, basically nothing actually bad or naughty but just irritating as fuck)

My DH is generally lovely but even him breathing makes me want to cry and scream at him to stop. He is great with the kids etc etc but does have a fairly well-defined lazy streak, so will sleep on well after they are awake, is incredibly messy, needs nagged to do anything remotely domestic. He does do a fairly long list of other stuff that needs doing so isn't a complete waste of space.

I'm in a constant fug of grumpy, horrible, tearful nagging and snapping. I need to change but just don't know how. Everything annoys me. Every. Single. Thing. My beautiful family is amazing and I love them so deeply but I am so irritated by them and can't see their good points.

I remember from my first two DC how incredibly hard the first year of a newborn's life is and if I don't change we're not going to get through this intact.

If you are a reformed grump, a chilled parent, and just a happy person please tell me how? I feel so sorry for the kids growing up with me in the house.

[Monday26July]

Irritability can be a symptom of generalised anxiety or depression, not sure if you’re aware.

If it’s that bad I would recommend seeing your GP OP. There might be something else going on. Or at the least they can signpost you to anger management support. Your anger might not look like violent outbursts but it IS anger and will have an impact on your children.

[IHateFlies]

It’s tiredness and hormones but doesn’t have to be like this.

Your dh’s laziness is probably contributing to this so have a chat and tell him what you need from him.

Then with kids, fake it. Plant a smile on your face, pretend you’re being filmed for a reality tv documentary and play a role of lovely fab mum for a few hours.

[vincettenoir]

Meditation or medication if that’s not effective. It might be worth talking to your gp about. Sounds hormonal. I bet this constant heat or rain-pour isn’t helping either, you must be exhausted. Good luck. I’m sure it will pass and I hope it passes quickly.

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

Oh OP, I feel just like this sometimes. I have bipolar disorder and C-PTSD, which does contribute to my irritability and feelings of being totally overwhelmed sometimes, but even when I'm relatively well I can fall into the same trap.

It's awful, isn't it? The kids'll go to bed and I'll sit there feeling like the most horrible mum on Earth. I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted you to know I empathise - you're definitely not the only one!

[Guineapigbridge]

Could be vitamin deficiencies? Are you taking a multi? Folic acid? Omega 3 and 6?

But otherwise, what saved me from (at least part of my grumpiness) was getting in paid help. Can you afford someone as a mother's helper a couple of half days a week? Just while you're pregnant and with a newborn? If DH can't step up then get your wallet to step up.

[Hissysnake]

I think they age gap you have can be pretty relentless TBH OP. I had a two year age gap as well and I found it pretty hard graft until my youngest was 3. There is no break from the baby stage really. It definitely would have been a million times harder when pregnant!

Cut yourself some slack. Do you get much time out for yourself to rest and relax, away from the family? You need your husband to take the kids out for the day so you can just sleep and relax. (This is what I did!)

[burritofan]

DH needs to pull his finger out and get up when the kids do so you can lie in or at least so there’s two parents, stop being messy, and just generally buck up. You’re knackered and knackered = irritable.

If you can afford it, I second suggestions for paying for/outsourcing all the life crap – cleaning, gardening, whatever. Online groceries. Do the bare minimum to stop the house being a health hazard but really, rest and let the house be messy.

I hate days where I’m tired and therefore grumpy to DD for doing toddler things, and always feel better when I fake it/take the “don’t care” approach. Oh, you want to put your lunch on the floor and eat it like you’re a horsey? Go ahead! Yes you can put stickers in the bath. No, I don’t need to clean this thing, I can watch TV with you instead. Make like Frozen and let it goooooooo.

(But seriously on the DH sleeping in/being messy/needing nagging thing: he’s an adult and needs to act like it, sharpish.)

[chickensandbees]

Do you get any time to yourself? I get up early each day and go for a walk or a run, listen to a podcast and breathe. Could you do something like this?

[onelittlefrog]

You have a lot of insight into yourself and the effect of your behaviour on your family, which is a brilliant start. The fact that you want to change this speaks volumes about you, so don't be too harsh on yourself. The desire to change it is there!

Do you have anything that you enjoy doing, something that is just yours and not to do with family life? You might just need a bit of a break and to find yourself again, rediscover who you are outside of all of this. Is there a hobby you enjoy (or used to before family life), something creative, a sport, even just reading a book in Costa or seeing a friend without the kids?

Other than that, I really recommend the Headspace app for short meditations or even some counselling which can just help you talk through whatever is going on for you and how you're feeling in a private space.

If it's really still bad when you have tried those things, try speaking to the GP. Antidepressants/ antianxiety medication can work wonders and doesn't deserve all the flak it gets - it can be really, really helpful.

[TrueRefuge]

You've had some great suggestions and I agree with others that although your DH sounds like he's better than some, if he's "sleeping in past the kids waking" and "needing to be nagged" then he's not really stepping up as he should. You've two little ones and a new one on the way so he should be as exhausted as you are.

If you can afford it, paid help.

I don't know if this would at all work, but could you/have you sat down your kids (especially the older one) and explained the situation? Mummy is very hot and tired with the baby she's growing, so for the next few weeks everyone needs to try really hard to be quieter, be good etc etc? It might really hit home with them and help them realise things are going to change and then you're being a bit more proactive than just snapping and shouting and getting pissed off? I realise little kids aren't adults and might not respond well, but some are incredibly wise and attuned and might really step up after a proper conversation like this? You could even put it on their star charts if they have them/equivalent??

[redgirl1]

I would probably start by talking with DH , choose a moment when you are no cross and lay out how your feeling, anxious , stressed etc. It would be hard to ignore and not take that seriously when explained calmly (ie not in the middle of a confrontation) that you are struggling and need help from him. Whatever that may entail, cooking, cleaning, taking kids out.
Ask for help from Grandparents or look for some holiday clubs for 5 year old for the odd day (does the 3 year old have any days in nursery).
You need a bit of time to yourself to unwind and get your head together before baby arrives. It must already be quite full on with kids that age. You know it’s going to be a busy year and I get the sense you are anxious and overwhelmed about how to cope. Talk to friends, any with 3 kids, off load, it will do you good to get your anxieties out on the open. No one is going to tell you are being over the top or the like .
Talk with DH too about routines and plans for when baby arrives , where you need him to step up.

[Peppaismyrolemodel]

@HateThisLife

I'm at a bit of a loss and need some help before the next couple of years of my life disappear into a hole of horribleness

I have 2 young children (5&3) and in my 3rd trimester with very unplanned/surprise DC3. I am so, so irritable and horrible all the time. I constantly snap at the children for doing children things (talking constantly, demanding stuff, whining, being slow, being messy, basically nothing actually bad or naughty but just irritating as fuck)

My DH is generally lovely but even him breathing makes me want to cry and scream at him to stop. He is great with the kids etc etc but does have a fairly well-defined lazy streak, so will sleep on well after they are awake, is incredibly messy, needs nagged to do anything remotely domestic. He does do a fairly long list of other stuff that needs doing so isn't a complete waste of space.

I'm in a constant fug of grumpy, horrible, tearful nagging and snapping. I need to change but just don't know how. Everything annoys me. Every. Single. Thing. My beautiful family is amazing and I love them so deeply but I am so irritated by them and can't see their good points.

I remember from my first two DC how incredibly hard the first year of a newborn's life is and if I don't change we're not going to get through this intact.

If you are a reformed grump, a chilled parent, and just a happy person please tell me how? I feel so sorry for the kids growing up with me in the house.

Following for some advice on how to be a cheery chilled parent on no sleep 😬

[MyriadeOfThings]

Have you gone to the GP about it? It sounds like ante natal depression.

I’ve had it and it’s fucking miserable BUT it disappeared more or less as soon as I gave birth!
I know it wouldn’t solve anything (unlikely to be prescribed AD. Or at least my GP didn’t want to) but at least it wouod give an explanation to your DH.

[MyriadeOfThings]

And all the things PP have said too!

Your DP needs to put his fingers out and start stepping up as a parent in a real 50/50 way.
I’d start with leaving in my own for the weekend so you can have a REAL rest for a couple of days. It’s I possible to:be chilled etc… when you are completely knackered.

[Purplewithred]

As above, plus

Gratitude diary, breathwork, time to yourself every day, look at some of the contributors to Rupy’s The Drs Kitchen podcast especially Dr Sabina Brennan .

[ComDummings]

I second speaking to midwife or GP, sounds like depression or anxiety or maybe a combination.

[Namenic]

1st trimester with morning sickness and 2 young kids is tough. I couldn’t do my usual chores and tasks - just had to lie down somewhere. Got better in 2nd trimester though

[User5827372728]

I’m the same, same aged kids, but not even pregnant.

Mine are incapable of playing alone, together is even worse !!

[Rainbowqueeen]

Send DH for a vasectomy

Yes he needs to step up more. He should be giving you at least 4 hours on your own once a week. Plus be cooking half the meals. And doing bedtime for the DC in preparation for when baby comes. Can you afford a cleaner for 2 hours a week just to do the bathroom, kitchen and a bit of hoovering

Go to your Gp and explain how you feel.

Get in the habit of counting to 10 before you speak to the kids. Do you have a good routine with them? That might help you.
Get outside as much as you can. Being outside makes it more bearable I find.

And . You are doing your best and the fact that it bothers you shows what a great mum you really are because you care.

[NekoShiro]

I get very irritable when I'm off my anxiety meds, like I genuinely hate my partner and everything he says and does frustrates me and a couple of days later he's back to the light of my life who can do no wrong.

I also suggest speaking to your go about this, they'll know a lot better how to plan going forward, maybe you need a little counseling, maybe you're low in certain vitamins, need medication, etc.

[Kanaloa]

That sounds very difficult. Maybe your husband could master his ‘lazy streak’ and start being an equal partner in the house. Lazy people like to act as if their laziness doesn’t affect people but by sleeping after the kids are awake he is basically bullying you into an early start every day. These difficulties must be shared as parents.

Other than that I’m afraid I don’t have any good advice. When I was young and had my first son, I was told by an older lady who had had 6 children that when her kids were annoying her she used to imagine herself saying whatever she was going to say, then she would say it. It gave her the time to realise it wasn’t the best way to deal with it.

[stairgates]

I'm like this at the end of pregnancy. I think its a mix of the increasing lack of mobility, the worry about delivery plus this hit and miss weather just drains me daily anyway! :) Hopefully when little one is here and into a routine things will improve a bit, my youngest is coming up to 1 soon and things have just started to feel normal again.

[Findmeatthebeach]

That sounds really tough, feeling cross and irritable and then guilty for acting that way is a lot. Do you get any down time? Can your husband take the children to the park for an hour after work or can you go out for a walk and listen to a podcast or audio book and just switch off for a bit?
When I go through periods of feeling like this I have to lower my expectations of the children and housework, let things slide that aren't important. Are you getting out the house in the day with the children? I know it can seem like a huge hassle but it really does wonders for your mind.

[IfNot]

God no wonder you are grumpy you must be exhausted. Honestly, in your shoes I couldn’t be faffed having to have gentle conversations with my husband about why he should be pulling his weight. I’d be more likely to file for divorce and child maintenance and get a cleaner. However, if you do desperately want to stay married, then I agree with PP - he should be as tired as you. You need rest- you are pregnant and have too much in your plate, your husband needs to man the hell up.

[Branleuse]

Maybe you have antenatal depression. My unplanned inconvenient 3rd pregnancy pretty much drove me to insanity