Who is bonkers, him or me?

(33 Posts)
52andblue Wed 21-Jul-21 19:00:21

Old 'friend'. Was a boyfriend back in the day. We've seen each other casually again over the last 4 years: around 4 times a year for the weekend. We won't get back together permanently / exclusively but last time we met (3 weeks ago, for 2 days, after a C19 gap of 12months) he was saying how 'lucky he was to have me, I was so patient with him' etc. All good. Or so I thought?

I have some longstanding mobility issues. I live very rurally and the local cottage hospital is not great tbh. He lives in London. He suggested, strongly, not for the first time, that we go to a big hospital there (Covid permitting) and give his address ('so they would see me' as not really A&E and I am out of area otherwise?) to see if we could at least get some Big Hospital advice. Whether this is morally correct (I might feel desperate for help but I'm not very comfortable pretending to live at someone else's address) is a valid question, and whether it would 'work' is another again. Lastly, whether it would be responsible to travel / do this with the infection figures increasing again is another matter too.

I only have a 5 day window once a year when kids with Dad. I could travel down anytime during this. Before I left, he asked me to text him the dates so we could arrange it. I did, and said could he text me so we could make some arrangements. I'd stay independently but he'd come with me for the initial screening and give his address so I'd not be sent away on 'out of area' basis. I also said that my mobility seems to have got worse (I am hoping it is a temporary soft tissue issue rather than a longer term problem) so it would be great to try to get advice over the next few weeks - thanks for his idea / offer of time.

He has ghosted me for 10 days. I called this afternoon and it turns out he is furious with me for 'demanding' help and 'blaming him' for my mobilty probs. Eh? We had agreed a strategy and just needed to agree which of those 5 days we could meet for an hour or two to try to get me some advice. So it was an attempt to get help that we had already agreed not a demand in any way. I have never 'blamed him' for my mobility issues. There is no one to blame: it's just bad luck. There were lots of long silences & the call ended with him saying he was 'very irritated, least said soonest mended and perhaps I should think about my approach between now and next time we speak.' I really didn't know what to say. It was like being told off by the Headmaster.

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Babdoc Wed 21-Jul-21 19:05:43

He is either an abusive gaslighter, or he wanted to make grand gestures and show off about the “superior” medical care he could offer - but never expected you would be able to take up the offer, and is now frantically backpedaling.
Either way I would
1) Dump him, and
2) Ask your GP for either a specialist referral or a second opinion (as appropriate) in your own area.

LawnFever Wed 21-Jul-21 19:12:35

He sounds absolutely batshit, i agree with the poster above - I think he made this gesture but never actually thought you’d go along with it and now he’s panicked.

I’d just give him a wide berth from now on, he sounds like hard work, I don’t even understand what he reckons he’s annoyed about

RichardMarxisinnocent Wed 21-Jul-21 19:15:39


He is either an abusive gaslighter, or he wanted to make grand gestures and show off about the “superior” medical care he could offer - but never expected you would be able to take up the offer, and is now frantically backpedaling.
Either way I would
1) Dump him, and
2) Ask your GP for either a specialist referral or a second opinion (as appropriate) in your own area.

I have to agree with this. His suggestion of how to get you "big hospital advice" doesn't seem workable. You can't just turn up and be seen, unless going to A&E, and you wouldn't be turned away from there due to be out of area so no need for his address. For anything else you'd need a referral from your GP and an appointment, and it doesn't sound as if you have either of these? So it sounds as if he was promising you something impossible and wasn't expecting you to take him up on the offer.

Elieza Wed 21-Jul-21 19:22:00

All very bizarre.

How could he think you blame him for your mobility issues.

Did something happen years ago which he secretly blames himself for that could have been around the start of your mobility issues? Like you were on holiday together and you hurt your foot and ten years on it’s now turned into something worse and he hasn’t said it but he blames himself? So him being angry was really at himself for taking you on holiday as that may have caused it type of thing?

Re the hospital offer and him back peddling, I think he’s a bit of a shit for not telling you if he got something wrong and it turns out whatever can’t be done. He should just fess up instead if stropping.

Why does he think your patient with him? What’s that about? It could be relevant. There must be more to this than meets the eye or he’s completely batshit, but if he were you’ve known him a long time so whys the batshittery not shown up before now?

And as for the ten days of ghosting, that for me is the biggest dealbreaker of them all and totally unacceptable. Communication is important. Ignoring someone or a difficult situation is pointless and stupid and won’t help him achieve anything in life.

52andblue Wed 21-Jul-21 19:24:33

Thanks for points re 'is it workable' and FWIW yes I agree. It was me who pointed out when he suggested it that it is neither an accident nor an emergency so I couldn't go there. He said; 'fine give my address' and I said I'm not sure that will work, surely I'd need to be registered with a GP but he was absolutely insistent that it was worth a try. I guess I got slightly caught up in that notion. But its the utterly furious tone of the 'sit outside and think about what you've done' type response that has taken me aback. What does he expect me to say?
For one crazy minute I wondered if he wants me to be annoyed with him (he looked almost disappointed when I was 'so nice' 3 weeks ago) and so he's created this grandiose gesture purely to pull the rug when I say yes? But that's just weird - why would anyone do that?

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52andblue Wed 21-Jul-21 19:29:11

'Bonkers' is a bit perjorative, sorry.
But it's defo weird...

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52andblue Wed 21-Jul-21 20:03:51

@Elieza - good questions - thanks.
When we got back in touch 4 years ago he was shocked about the mobility thing. Said he'd 'do anything, short of robbing a bank, to help me'. I said, very kind, but probs nothing to be done (without access to private healthcare and neither of us have the funds for that).

Re 'ghosting' he does stick his head in the sand when it suits him.

But it was the - almost menace - with which he told me to 'think about my behavior before we - maybe - speak again' which was really odd.

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Feedingthebirds1 Wed 21-Jul-21 20:20:42

Tell him you've thought about your behaviour and you're going to cut it right out - having any contact with him, that is. You don't need that headfuckery in your life.

Standrewsschool Wed 21-Jul-21 20:25:20

I’m a bit puzzled how you can rock up at a hospital without a referral. Surely you need a referral and then an appointment?

Alternatively, you can attend A and E, but they don’t have a catchment area (and it’s neither an emergency or accident).

52andblue Wed 21-Jul-21 20:34:01

@Standrewschool - yes I agree: I wasn't sure how that would work either but although I am UK I don't live in England so wasn't sure of fine print there as it were. He says he is, Living in London With The Best Teaching Hospitals in the World (his caps not mine, in a recent email before he went wierd) and was quite insistent I should 'give it a try'.

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52andblue Wed 21-Jul-21 20:35:30

Glad I've posted this now as it has clarified that it would be a pointless trip (even if he hadn't gone weird re address thing)

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Pantene23 Wed 21-Jul-21 20:36:48

You can use your “right to choose” to be seen at any hospital you wish. Absolutely no need to use a false address. He sounds like an idiot.

52andblue Wed 21-Jul-21 22:18:50

Can I really @Pantene23 ???
I live in Scotland, so I don't have an English NHS number.
I went to A&E in London 3 years ago. I was on a 5 day visit and stupidly walked too far one day when I got very lost and then couldn't walk AT ALL. After 2 days struggling to get out of bed and put mobilise at all I took a taxi to A&E for advice as I was worried how I'd get on the train home.
It was a problem getting to initial triage stage as I've no Eng NHS no.
They were very kind. Really surprised I'd been left on double crutches for so long with surgery but no follow up (the physio service at my cottage hospital is long gone and the community physio was not replaced upon retiring) and they suggested I speak again to GP when I got back. I did, but got nowhere with that. Maybe I should walk into an A&E in a big city in Scotland but I am loathe to bother A&E at this time.
But I dont think that's the cause of his weirdness.

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Iggi999 Wed 21-Jul-21 22:27:18

I can't understand why you aren't following up your mobility issues via your own GP? You can be referred to any specialist required. Plenty of good hospitals in Scotland, and no need to bother your twat-in-London!

Iggi999 Wed 21-Jul-21 22:28:53

Sorry, just reading your GP hasn't been helpful - any time i go to the GP (phone calls lately) it's a different one, is that worth a try? Otherwise you have to insist, or make a complaint if necessary.

52andblue Wed 21-Jul-21 22:33:19

I'm at a tiny rural surgery. 2 GP's. Neither interested.
I could ask to speak to a Locum? And maybe I'm not being given the run around by substandard rural GP like He says, maybe its just that nothing can be done?
I wasn't bothering 'the twat in London' though. It was his idea.

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Iggi999 Wed 21-Jul-21 22:42:19

Yes but he's bothered now! the twat
You were meant to have physio and you haven't had it - this isn't good enough! Have they simply said you can't be helped further? Can you find any treatment/ideas online and present those to them?
If your gps are male it can be easier to say you want to speak to a woman, than to say you don't want the unhelpful ones. Maybe they can't do any more but sounds like you've been left hanging and need decent conversation about this with a doctor.

trunumber Wed 21-Jul-21 22:51:54

Can you afford to pay private? An initial private consultation probably costs less than a trip to London (and I also can't see how they could do anything meaningful- it would be basic treatment at A+E only)

I think he's angry he made up some bull shit about how he would save you with his magical London hospitals and now he has to fall out with you otherwise you would see it's nonsense. He sounds hard work and I actually never say that.

Pantene23 Thu 22-Jul-21 06:23:53

So your first step needs to be getting a referral from your gp. You can’t do anything without that. Change gp surgery if yours won’t refer you. They will refer you to whichever department they think best. This is what you need. You can’t get triaged in any hospital. It just doesn’t work like that.

52andblue Thu 22-Jul-21 09:57:47

ah thanks @Pantene23
That might be the sticking point I think?
I am really rural. I asked about changing GP practice before (not satisfied with care for one of my kids). It wasnt possible at that time (some 10 years ago tbf) as both the next nearest surgeries (15 miles away) was not accepting new patients. I looked into it thoroughly at that time & got nowhere. So that.s a bit depressing.
I think it helps to separate out my medical issue (even if it cant be improved) and his attitude to my 'not being worth an hour of his time to help unless I ask in an acceptable (to him) way' though.

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52andblue Sat 24-Jul-21 18:11:38

So we spoke briefly this morning.
I explained what I'd learned here (needing GP ref for London hosp regardless of address) so said I'd ask my GP for ref to a local hosp.
He said: 'how typical of you, if I don't personally drop everything this very second you flounce off and now you don't want my help'.
I said: 'erm, no: it was a really kind thought but it prob wouldn't have worked anyway so it's good neither of us has wasted time / energy'.
HIs reply:
'don't play the martyr with me, pretending to be all innocent & nice about it, you're so manipulative, no wonder you have no friends' etc

Clearly there is no chance of an ordinary interaction about this.
Sad really. Hope I get on better with the GP!

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trunumber Sat 24-Jul-21 22:54:48

You're going to cut him out of your life though, right? He sounds absolutely awful.

longwayoff Sun 25-Jul-21 06:59:21

You are not so lonely that you need this man making your life more difficult under the guise of friendship. He sounds a little, er, unbalanced. Lose him sharpish.

0None0 Sun 25-Jul-21 07:08:08

He’s bonkers, but do are you if you think faking a London address means you can by pass your gp.

Just go back to your gp.

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