Should DH move abroad for job alone or should we join him? Dilemma.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

DH has been offered a job abroad in a Middle Eastern country to start in a few weeks and he’s accepted. As happy as I am for him; I’m absolutely terrified of what life is going to be like alone, raising our very young DC (18m and almost 3 year old). Both DC are at nursery PT and will be doing longer hours from September when I’d planned to return to work. This job offer has completely thrown me. It means changing our lives entirely- the children having to settle at a new nursery and adjust to a new way of life is panicking me the most. Or, maybe I’m projecting and am worrying about how I’ll cope in an environment/culture that is materialistic/superficial/misogynistic?

My plans for September also included taking driving lessons and becoming a bit more independent with a car for my sake and the DC. Husband is desperate for us to move but I’m not sure what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind, move us all out with him (pack our lives into boxes by the 2nd of July) and see how life works out for us all? Or, should I wait it out and let my husband settle there first, pass probation and get the ‘lay of the land’ before we join him? Or, should I stay put with the DC and we can take turns visiting one another every half term/end of term? The latter would mean less disruption for DC (my absolute priority) since they’ll still have their nursery space and key workers and other children they’re familiar with and would also mean I can focus on myself a bit too- I’m itching to get back to work. I’m scared I won’t cope alone but I won’t know until I try it, will I?

One of my biggest worries is that I’ve had horrendous PND since the birth of my older DC and I’ve needed my husband’s support to get things done and look after the children when I’ve not had the energy to get out of bed. I’m scared, left to my own devices, I might crumble. Massively. Having said that, he’ll be working silly hours in his new job so it’s not as if he’ll be able to help me out there BUT nannies/house help is cheap I’m the ME so I’d be able to buy in help? But, then I’ll worry they’re out of the British system/way of doing things and how that will negatively impact them when we come back? Argh, as you can tell, I’m struggling with all this massively. Can someone shed any light on living abroad with young children? Or even guide me on what I should do next? I’m so, so lost right now.

Apologies for the garbled post. I’ve been trying to sleep for ages but sleep just isn’t coming right now because of my anxiety around this impending move.

[ScottishNewbie]

Go! 100%
If you hate it, you can always come back.
I lived in Asia for 3 years and although some things were difficult, there were LOADS of amazing things.
You will be able to have staff very cheaply. We had two cleaners come weekly, which we wouldn't here. Drivers etc.
Great ex-pat communities, especially if you have kids!
This is the time to do it, while the kids are so young.
Also long-distance relationships don't always work out in my experience.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

Thanks @ScottishNewbie but his new salary isn't all that great :/ we have to pay for our own housing costs and the children's new nursery costs out there. Moving out there would also mean I'd have to put my career on hold for a bit longer- what would I do out there to occupy my time? I can't stand the heat so beach visits are out!

[nocoolnamesleft]

Well, you can always come back. Unless your marriage falls apart. And then he'd be able to keep the kids there even if you wanted to bring them home... Hopefully unlikely, but there have been threads on here by people to whom that scenario happened.

[chillied]

I would not move to the middle East for anything. Let him go on his own, save up the maximum money. You stay here, get the kids settled, go back to work, get support from family and friends.

[Graphista]

Did he accept with no discussion with you?

Is he pressuring you to go along with this decision?

I know people are often swayed by the appeal of high salaries there, but quite honestly I would not, as a woman, with young dc (what sex are the dc?) feel at all comfortable making such a move.

I've known people live and work out there and even the ones who had a relatively good experience had to admit they were uncomfortable about the misogyny and bigotry they not only encountered but were indirectly a part of.

And I'm not for one second saying Britain doesn't have its own shameful behaviour but it's far more so in the Middle East.

In addition, I have also heard mh services aren't the best out there. Again they're not perfect in Uk but certainly something you need to consider as I don't think you'll have a great deal of support from your husband if he's working crazy hours.

Household staff can only do so much

[Graphista]

"You can always come back"

Can you? WITH your children? There are countries in the Middle East where this could be very difficult if the relationship were to break down

[Wheelerdeeler]

Why did he accept without you both deciding if it was right for the family?

[BastardMonkfish]

Why is it you and the kids having to make sacrifices? Why's he even taking the job if the pay isn't that good? Who just accepts a job in the Middle East and leaves their family on their own?!

[Charliebradbury]

It doesn't really sound like you want to go tbh. Did you and your dh discuss it before he accepted the job?
What sort of package does he get with this job? What kind of visa will you be on? It seems like a huge decision to make in the space of a couple of weeks.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

[NakedAttraction]

I’d be more concerned about the fact he’s accepted a job overseas without you both having a clear plan for the family.

Is it a permanent job or for a specified time period?

[BastardMonkfish]

@insertrandomusernamehere

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

Fuck that for a laugh. Have you got any family support near you?

[Toebean]

Why is he doing it if the salary isnt amazing??? Please dont go, you are leaving yourself open to massive issues... staff might not be as amazing as you think.

[Charliebradbury]

I would definitely think long and hard about this, laws in a lot of middle easten countries do not favour women especially in a divorce. Do not go on some notion that you need to go to "save your marriage". Did he discuss this with you at all before saying yes?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Are you living near family and friends who can offer you support op?

[SleepingStandingUp]

If he's got a probation period, I absolutely wouldn't be going until it was passed at the earliest.

Can you afford to run two seperate lives?

[princesslarmadrama]

I wouldn't move if your marriage was already in trouble. Can't he move and see how things go. Surely you don't have to decide now. I'd send him a head to sort things out anyway if you did decide to move.

[ScottishNewbie]

Aaaah.

With the added info, I would be staying here and squirrelling away money for when you need it. Make sure you have agreements from him about exactly how much money he will be giving you.

There's no way I would move to the Middle East with a rocky relationship.
You'll be stuck without your support system and young children.

Also, what is the incentive to him moving if the salary isn't great? That seems so odd?

[insertrandomusernamehere]

Sorry I've not explained properly- we had a full and Frank discussion about him accepting this job. I'm fully on board with him moving- my issue is should we move with him and the pitfalls of moving/staying put. His pay is only £2K more than he's on now but with it being tax free out there, it would allow us to be financially comfortable. His field completely dried up last year because of the pandemic and we lived off our modest pot of saving and credit cards (I'd just had a baby so couldn't go back to work). We've got ourselves into a lot of credit card debt so even if he went out to the ME for a year, he'd come back debt free WITH some savings.

[GCAcademic]

@insertrandomusernamehere

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

You would be mad to move, given the state of your relationship. Don’t assume he wouldn’t want custody. He’d be able to farm out the hard graft to a nanny and housekeeper. Honestly, don’t take the risk.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

No family to speak off. They live hundreds of miles away and are too engrossed in their own lives to take mine seriously!

[Sisisimone]

If this is Dubai and his salary isn't great you will really struggle financially. Housing in a good area is incredibly expensive, as is schooling/nursery. Cost of living generally is high.

[Aquamarine1029]

Thanks @ScottishNewbie but his new salary isn't all that great :/ we have to pay for our own housing costs and the children's new nursery costs out there.

Then why on earth did he take this job? What's the point? Honestly, the above doesn't even matter because...

Our marriage is shit atm

Absolutely do not move to a ME country. You could find yourself stuck there, unable to leave with your children. Don't go.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

Not Dubai but a neighbouring state.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Can you afford to live seperately op? Presumably if he's not living there you'd be entitled to some help