Single parents of kids with severe SEND, how do you cope?

[BuckellsTrunshon]

Still married (just) but we're not going to last the course. I already feel like 90% of the caring is on me, I do 100% of the nights etc. It's fucking miserable being married to a selfish fucker who moans constantly about how hard life is and how miserable they are. But I don't think I'm strong enough to go it alone. Would be fucked financially for starters, and spouse rarely looks after the kids alone for short periods now, so I strongly suspect that in the event of a split contact would dwindle rapidly. They will no doubt go onto meet someone else, maybe even have a new family, whereas I'll be a carer 24/7 for the rest of my life.

[EShellstrop]

You'll be amazed how lighter you feel when you lose 15 stone of dead weight dragging you down.

Already you do most of the work, so that won't change. Things that will change: less tidying, less cooking, less cleaning, routines you put into place will stay that way, consistency of care for your dc, less negative energy, more headspace.

Yes, you will be on your own, but you won't be dragged down. Your time will not ever be taken up with trying to placate misery guts again.

I am in a similar situation with SEND dc, I left their father 2 years ago, and life is much, much easier, despite the fact he barely sees them. No regrets on that score whatsoever.

[BuckellsTrunshon]

Thanks EShellstrop. Glad to hear it's been positive for you. The not having to placate sounds heavenly...

[Hen2018]

Oh, it’s much easier not having to work round a selfish arsehole.

[Bobbleka]

It’s much much easier without the dead weight that is a shitty partner. I was terrified too. But my experience was it’s like the weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders. You have less to do, as you don’t have the extra work or emotional labour when partner isn’t there. Everything runs more smoothly. Less stressed and feel happy more often. 9 years on life is so so much better. I’m still single and we are so much happier. Dread to think what life would be like if hadn’t split up.

[MSQuinn]

Big hugs. I have two DC with Sen. The youngest is severely disabled. We’ve struggled as a couple as the load falls to me as I work part time. It can be exhausting. But I think you end up hugely resentful when there is another adult present and you’re doing it all versus just having to do it. Financially have you looked at benefit entitlement? Before you say anything can you get hold of his wage slips and pension information? It’ll give you an idea of maintenance. Big hugs. It’s a really hard journey. That no one else apart from other carers get.

[PerciphonePuma]

I'm a 100% single mum (he wants nothing to do with her :( ) to a child with SEND. I'm also disabled myself - it is HARD!!! But it's not all hard and I promise you, it will become your norm and you will find your own routine.

[lemmeavabru]

Can't really advise but you're not alone OP. Sometimes I think my life would be much easier if I didn't have to think about misery guys and just got on with caring. The constant feeling of neglect from DH can be draining. Mine has got a little bit better around the but ALL of the caring duties fall to me and it's exhausting !

[lemmeavabru]

misery guts* not guys lol

[BuckellsTrunshon]

Thanks for the positivity. Definitely right about feeling resentful

[SpeedRunParent]

I have three teens, two with SEN (one physically disabled) and I separated from my husband 18 months ago. I was doing all the work anyway it's just easier now because I don't get upset about there being another adult in the house who's making life more complicated rather than helping out. I'm way happier. All the best OP

[LunaAndHer3Stars]

In a similar position @BuckellsTrunshon. 3 DS with SEND, marriage hanging by a thread. Mixture of ASD, ADHD, panic attacks and severe anxiety, one also has a physical disability. I have a chronic illness and physical disability. DH does very little around the house and never helps with therapy when he's home.

I wouldn't miss DH if I woke up and he'd moved out. Often his presence is at best another person I have to placate at worst he's actively making the situation worse by trying to be disciplinarian. He's often doing nothing while I'm obviously increasingly frazzled dealing with all 3 at once, running round trying to make everything happen that needs to happen while trying to ensure our DC aren't getting too anxious or too worked up or fighting. There's a lot of management necessary to keep them on an even keel.

I resent him massively. As far as he's concerned the problem isn't that he never helps, it's that I resent him not helping. His solution is that I should get over it. Glad to see the positive replies. It's hard to believe things can get better.