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I've had enough but no escape

48 replies

treefox3513 · 12/06/2021 14:00

I feel so guilty writing this. All I wanted was a family. I have a 4yr old and a 1yr old. For 4 years I have been trying my hardest to help my son be happy. He's been so difficult since the start.
He is 4 years old and still constantly wets the bed and poops in his pull up at night. He wears pull ups at bedtime because of this, he wees right through them and 'saves' his poo for night as well. Every single evening or during the night we go in to a mess.
He has a potty in his room, we have tried sticker charts, books, explaining, bribing, being patient... it isn't working.
He mostly wees himself during the day, he goes through 4 or 5 pairs of underpants.
For most of his life he has been unhappy. Mostly crying and screaming. Didn't start talking until he was 3, very touchy.

Now that he can talk his mood is generally angry. He says nasty things. In public he screams at us not to touch him. People stare.
He slapped me across the face the other day as I stopped him doing an activity he was enjoying (time was up at swimming).

He refuses to eat 'tea' type meals. Point blank refuses. Again we have tried everything mentioned above. He eats sandwiches and some fruit and veg. Tea times are mostly screaming and crying.

Just on the way to the park this morning he stopped walking and demanded to be carried, he screamed and cried, really started sobbing. He is too big to be carried. So we had a meltdown to deal with on the side of the road.

He talks a mile a minute all day constantly.
I barely talk to my husband as there is no let up.

My 1 year old is constantly crying. I'm really not exaggerating. She just cries all day every day. She cries because she wants her shoes on, she then cries because she wants them off. Same with a jacket, hat etc. I've put her down for a nap because she's just non stop crying, won't eat any lunch etc. She's still just crying.

I can set them up with activities in the garden and they will both just find something to cry about. Crafts and messy play will result in tears.
With the 4yr old I'm at a total loss. He doesn't seem to learn from his bad behaviour that what he says and does upsets people. He just keeps doing it.

Everyone is constantly stepping on eggshells around him. We need to go home from the park and he has both me and his dad bribing him and convincing him to come home. "We can do xyz, you can have a lolly, it will be great etc'

I like to think I'm a good parent. I work hard to give them a nice environment. They have plenty of days out, trips to the park, toys and stimulation.
Also they have lots of love, plenty of cuddles and down time, movie afternoons, chilling with cebeebies.
I'm totally at my wits end. Neither if them are happy.
My husband and I are exhausted. We are both now on antidepressants and haven't had sex for a year. Intimacy has gone.

We don't get any time to ourselves.
In the evening we are usually changing and washing pjs and bedsheets and the 1 yr old cries for most of the evening in bed.

We recently went on holiday (local ish, to a cabin) and my husbands mum came with us.
She was very surprised at our evenings, which were spent going up and down the stairs trying to stop the 1yr old crying, bringing her down, giving her milk etc and then trying to sort out the 4yr old and his pull ups, sheets, toileting.

Most of the activity we did on that holiday they both just screamed at.

I expected parenting to be hard of course. But this is excruciating. Relentless. I can't make anyone happy. I can't give up either.

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Frownette · 12/06/2021 14:23

That sounds so hard Sad

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CrabbitArse · 12/06/2021 14:29

He sounds very much like my DD was at a similar age, she was diagnosed with autism at 4. Have you seen your GP/Health Visitor/Paed with him?

Things that helped her & I were countdowns to transitions at for example 10m, 5m then every minute. A major buggy from the NHS for when she wouldn't walk. Giving up on healthy eating, every dietician told us to just give her what she'd eat ideally supplemented with a multivitamin.

Sorry I'm rushing out, I just wanted to write a quick reply first.

Thanks It's hard

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TrashKitten10 · 12/06/2021 14:31

That sounds exhausting, you poor thing.

Does your 4yo go to nursery or school? You say he only started talking at 3 but how are his language skills now? Have you ever accessed any support for him from health visitors, speech and language etc and, if so, what did they say about his development? If you haven't already had support if could be worth speaking to your GP about your concerns.

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treefox3513 · 12/06/2021 14:38

@Frownette it is 

@CrabbitArse He has been assessed multiple times for spectrum disorders. He was discharged from speech and language (understandably) who them referred him to the behaviour team. They have assessed him a couple of times and checked his hearing and wanted to discharge him. They stated that he's completely neurotypical. I had to ask to leave his assessment open ended and they will check in with me in October. I just didn't want them to discharge him. He's funny with certain kinds of sounds (hoover, hand dryers etc).
I'm surprised that they told you to give up on health eating, but the doctor mentioned something similar, she said to give him 'kid' food like nuggets and fish fingers etc just get him to eat.
I tried him with the kid food and he won't eat that either Confused

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treefox3513 · 12/06/2021 14:42

@TrashKitten10 he goes to nursery 3 times a week. They are not concerned about his development and have not referred him to their senco.
We had to put him in nursery an extra day as my mum had him on that day whilst my husband and I worked, and she couldn't cope with him. She ended up in tears in one day as he had hit her and she shouted at him for it which made him cry. She then felt awful and she cried.
I had to constantly come downstairs and put out fires (working from home due to covid) and I was missing meetings etc. My poor mum. I said I didn't want it to damage her relationship with him so she sees him 'for fun' now rather than childcare.

The added financial cost of nursery has really hit us hard.

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SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 14:51

I'm sorry you're having a hard time op.

He is 4 years old and still constantly wets the bed and poops in his pull up at night. He wears pull ups at bedtime because of this, he wees right through them and 'saves' his poo for night as well. Every single evening or during the night we go in to a mess he can't help seeing at night, and if he's popping at night I'd suggest it's because he's relaxed then and can't hold it in, rather than keeping it in to upset you. What nappies do you use overnight? DS has two on overnight to try and keep him dry, A DryNights and a normal nappy so I'd double up nappies, wee before bed, no fluids overnight. Check him when you go to bed, and change him if he's pooped. Is his poo particularly loose if it's causing a mess?

He mostly wees himself during the day, he goes through 4 or 5 pairs of underpants. I'd say he needs to go back into nappies. Is he in school?

re behaviour, I think it's Def worth talking to someone about ASD and to also look into parenting classes for advice. No shame in it op.

He eats sandwiches and some fruit and veg.
Teaa times are mostly screaming and crying.
. For now, I'd back down on this. Make him snadwiches, some fruit and veg on the side and the offer to try something off your plate. There's so much else going on, I wouldn't tackle this one right now if he's actually eating.

Just on the way to the park this morning he stopped walking and demanded to be carried, he screamed and cried, really started sobbing. He is too big to be carried why can't DH carry him? It doesn't sound like he's able to communicate effectively that he's tired, bored etc so stop, bend down, are you tired Jack? Do your legs ache? Daddy carry you a little bit? You don't need to win every fight.

He talks a mile a minute all day constantly.
I barely talk to my husband as there is no let up.
It's ok to say hang on Jack, hold your hand up, and speak over him. Will he etch telly? Can you put him in front of telly for 30 minutes and have time away from him?

My 1 year old is constantly crying has she been checked out for anything like reflux, allergies etc? Some of that is the age, some will be picking up your stress, some will be the issue of competing for you with DS

In the evening we are usually changing and washing pjs and bedsheets you Def need to layer on nappies or even buy the inserts that go into reusable nappies to stop D's leaking, and buy enough spares that you can chuck them in the washer in the morning rather than rushing to wash th overnight.

Both kids sound chronically overtired. DS because he's been pulled out of bed for bed changes and DD because with all that going on she's struggling to sleep. If she'll sleep better with you downstairs or in bed with you, do it. Do whatever needs to be done to get her having enough sleep. And sort out the leaking situation with DS. We used to layer the bed. Waterproof sheet, normal sheet, waterproof sheet, normal sheet, waterproof sheet, normal sheet. Then if he was sick in the night we could just pull off the top two layers, redress him and put him back in bed. So much easier

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Hm2020 · 12/06/2021 14:52

One thing Iwould start by is putting him back in nappy’s full time he’s not toilet trained If he’s still having accidents so back in nappy’s until he is in so sorry I’m not sure about the rest but I know many children who where assessed to be nt and later ended up with a diagnosis that they very obviously always had. Hope someone comes along with some better advise

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SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 14:55

he goes to nursery 3 times a week. They are not concerned about his development and have not referred him to their senco. Does he got out / scream at nursery? What's his eating like there? It's not uncommon for kids to hold it in at school and explode at home. DS is super quiet at school, happier to sit in a corner with a book etc. At home he never sit still, shout constantly, whether he's happy or sad it's like he needs to get the noise out. He's now started randomly humming out loud when he's not talking. Omg. 6am in the morning in my bed.

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haba · 12/06/2021 14:56

Put him back into nappies for night, honestly. There is a hormone they need to be dry at night, and until they produce it they can't manage it. Really, some children don't get this until 7 or so. It will ease the evenings for all of you.

Everything sounds so tough, and you need to catch a break when you can.

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treefox3513 · 12/06/2021 15:09

@SleepingStandingUp you're right about not tackling the food right now. His poo is very loose. He is also under peads for that, he had a blood test in February to check for allergies and we have to wait until July to have the Dr call us with results. I've rang twice to get them to tell me if it's shown up as an allergy but they won't tell me. I think it's all linked somehow.
DH has been adamant that we don't need puppy training pads etc and expects that he will just 'get it' despite it not really happening. He starts school in September and I honestly can't see him being in any way independent, despite our efforts to make him so. I do think they are overtired, but they won't sleep. They just won't sleep! Both are better behaved after a good night, but going to sleep in the evening is a nightmare for both of them. We put him in bed at 7 and he has stories. We were thinking that's too early but he won't go to actual sleep until about 10, sometimes I'm asleep before he is.
Same with the baby, last night she finally nodded off at about 9.45pm

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treefox3513 · 12/06/2021 15:11

@haba my only break was working, but I've been sent to work from hole because of covid so I hear screaming. Crying and arguing most days Sad

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SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 15:18

His poo is very loose have you asked about constipation? The loose poo could be overflow poo and will also affect his ability to control his bladder. We didn't suspect constipation, but my God fixing it has been life-changing. It took a few months. MONTHS!!! to get him dry in the day at 5.5 years. That's all, months. After years of trying. The GP needs to have a good feel of his lower abdomen.

DH has been adamant that we don't need puppy training pads etc and expects that he will just 'get it' despite it not really happening get him to Google. He needs a hormone to kick in, he's not unusual to still be wet overnight. So crisis manage. Waterproof sheets, double nappy.

He starts school in September and I honestly can't see him being in any way independent make sure they know there's issues with continence but he's under medial investigation.
they can't exclude. We had to put D's in pull ups I'm the day to make it easy to change him.

They just won't sleep! What's your sleep routine? Waking him to change the bed won't help but if you can get him sufficiently nappied up it should reduce that. Were not great with sleep, it's taken a lot of 121 time for DS. Up at 7, teeth, wash, PJ's, some lively time, couple of books, book in bed, short sleepover aka daddy cuddles in bed and he's left alone in the dark. No telly altho he used to have music as white noise.

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SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 15:18

Also are you accessing your 30 free hours?

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FrownedUpon · 12/06/2021 15:31

Interesting that he’s fine at nursery. I doubt a 4 year old would be able to consciously hold it together in nursery & only lose it at home. Perhaps they’re using helpful strategies for him. Ask them to share!

Unfortunately your own (understandable) stress & anxiety will be impacting on his behaviour & responses. Can you access any supportive parenting courses, just for helpful strategies? Are either of you accessing therapy for your depression?

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Ilovechoc12 · 12/06/2021 15:41

Just keep going you are doing great ! It’s so difficult.

Things I’d say helped me.
Have the kids bed double wrapped so a sheet waterproof cover then a sheet waterproof cover. If they wet the bed in the night you just take the first 2 layers off and you have still got dry cover and waterproof sheet on (i bought mine from Asda). Dump all wet stuff in a trug and deal with it next morning ..... so everything sorted first thing.

Have lots of pjs and changed in the bedroom so you aren’t searching for lots of items in the night. I’d keep him in pants day time and potentially nappy night time, pull ups are useless not worth using them. You can get pull up nappies which are better though.

Eric is a fab website for issues for poos and wee.

Is your child fresh oj or too much fruit ? That will produce loose poos.

I’d ask your dr for sleep study you can get medication for sleep.

Did your child have an ados test? There is a lot of similar things you have said to my son who has autism. He’s exceptionally particular with food.

For the one yr old - 2 weetabix before bed with milk. Then only water in the night (it can be in the bottle) but absolutely no milk - take 3 days but I bet she will wake up less in the night if there is no milk.

Have you got black out blinds, grow clock or white noise monitor? Those all helped my children.

Once they are in bed never bring them back down stairs - only unless they are poorly and got fever / vom etc ..... they don’t come back downstairs until morning

Keep going , mum knows best. My son acted masked up to 7 and the teachers thought he was fine - I’d say keep ringing the doctors up Can’t be easy for you. xxx

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Prongate · 12/06/2021 15:51

Advice from @SleepingStandingUp is excellent. Very good points on overtiredness. I think you need to do whatever it is to make your life easier - sandwich dinners, nappies etc and tackle one issue at a time after a while. How does he eat at nursery?

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Creamteayesplease · 12/06/2021 16:07

Is he dry at nursery? In terms of the continence, please don’t stress or worry about him not being dry before starting school - this is a very common problem. Also, some children need to produce a hormone before becoming dry at night - I wish someone had told me this with my son! It would have saved me years of worry and trying techniques that don’t work because biologically he wasn’t ready. He grew out of night time wetting at 9 years old, we had tried everything over the years. We spoke to a continence charity called Eric which were very helpful, so please give them a call. After I spoke to them and also established with the GP that there were no underlying medical issues, we took the pressure off the situation and relaxed as a family, went back to nighttime pull ups, did not make a big deal of it, did not set continence alarms or wake him up for toileting during the night - and one day he just grew out of it.(My son is now a thriving 14 year old and in grammar school). Your son sounds like he may be very tired and needs rest at night - with all his chatter too, he sounds like a bright and intelligent boy, so please try not to over worry about any of this x

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pabloescobarselasticband · 12/06/2021 16:26

I have two DC with asd/adhd and your son does not sound like a neurotypical child to me! Everything you write is screaming autism! Can you afford a private consultation? Maybe that would be the way to go.

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Creamteayesplease · 12/06/2021 17:13

Your son may or may not be on the autistic spectrum. But I would be mindful that children can change a lot in the early years and at age 4, it’s often (although not always) too early to tell as young children tend to have so many behaviour quirks. The fact that the feedback from nursery is good would suggest that there is no immediate need for concern, so I would suggest discussing with them any routines which they think may work at home. Your son displays many of the traits that my son displayed at that age and my son isn’t autistic and has grown into a level headed, calm young man. As your son gets more sleep, starts school etc, many of these issues may settle down in time. So please be kind to yourself (you sound like a wonderful mum!) enjoy your children (ignore as much as the whinge as possible) and try not to worry x

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BigGreen · 12/06/2021 18:39

You sound so tired, I'm so sorry you're not getting what you need. I agree w pp that you should try to tackle one thing at a time, starting with sleep / poo.

Can you afford to hire a sleep consultant/ night nanny? Sometimes we can get stuck in patterns of behaviour with our DCs that someone else can just break up. I'd try giving your DS whatever he wants for dinner and letting him wear a nappy. Just take the pressure off all of you. My DS didn't train in the night time until after he started school.

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treefox3513 · 12/06/2021 19:06

Thank you everyone for your replies.

He is mostly dry at nursery. He has a couple of accidents but not full ones, just little leaks.
Nursery have never been concerned about him at all. They have referred me to ERIC and I will check that out as it's been mentioned here.

I agree with the advice given that I should tackle one thing at a time. I'm just at a loss to see how this is just life. One huge problem being tackled in a chorus of screaming and whinging.

He said he was tired 3 times from about 4.30pm onwards, so I know he is tired. DH is through in his room now reading him stories.

We have always had a solid routine for bedtime. Upstairs at 6pm, prepare rooms (draw blinds get pjs out etc) have a bath, then have some milk in bed whilst being read stories. Then lights out, or if he seeks wired, lamp on with some books.
Most of the times we have done this he has ripped up and tried to eat the books. It's awful to look at some of the beautiful books bought for him, that he thoroughly enjoys, in tatters on the floor.
Sometimes he eats the pages he has ripped. Every book with a flap has had the flaps ripped out.

We started storing his books outside in the hall, and on the occasion we have forgotten them we notice he hasn't ripped them so we leave his books in his room again hoping he has grown out of it and then he does it again.

He got a beautiful Snail and the Whale book for Xmas that he loved reading every night and he ripped it to shreds :(

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RandomMess · 12/06/2021 19:16

It sounds incredibly tough Sad

I would stop his milk in bed though that's adding to his bladder volume very last thing before sleep. If you've tried changing it before and he can't handle it then I can understand why are still having it as part of your routine though.

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SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 20:00

I agree with the advice given that I should tackle one thing at a time. I'm just at a loss to see how this is just life. One huge problem being tackled in a chorus of screaming and whinging.
It will get better.

  1. Speak to Eric and make a GP appt to check for constipation - soft poo l, poor bladder control all points to constipation and I'll be surprised if ERIC don't advise you to get him checked. They have lots of other helpful advice too tho so Def call. Make it a double and mention the issues with DD and get her checked out too.
  2. Get him in double nappies for bed (we do a pants underneath and normal nappy over the top so they fit slightly differently), and try and get him sleeping through the night.

That will make everything else feel easier.
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SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 20:02

Also if he likes ripping up paper, save your post or newspapers, pick up some cheap paper from PoundLand and let him. There's something in it he finds comforting from the sounds of it.

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treefox3513 · 12/06/2021 20:26

@SleepingStandingUp I did consider leaving some paper in there but he's eating it sometimes, or just chewing it and spitting it out and I'm terrified he will choke Sad
I'm definitely going to have a look at this constipation theory, because he poops daily I just assumed he wasn't constipated. He will poo in his pull up and we will change him, and when he wakes in the morning there's more poo, it's like it all comes out at night.
Sorry for all the poo talk Confused

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