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My DH just tried to order cocaine to our house!(228 Posts)
Regular on here, name changed as don’t want this linked to my other posts in case I get outed.
The back story is that I got with my DH 9 years ago and found out he took cocaine. It’s not something I wanted in my life so ended things with us but he said he refused to let drugs ruin our relationship. I had made it clear that I didn’t like it and wouldn’t have it in my life and that it was a deal breaker. He stopped using and we stayed together and got more serious.
I gradually learnt that his cocaine use had actually been a pretty big issue but he was clean now so I wasn’t going to hold his past against him. (Yes I am aware I was probably very naive here)
A few years later I was pregnant with our first child and he slipped up and used one night. I was devastated, I made him sweat about us but in the end gave him another chance on the condition he knew it would be the end of us and our life together as a family if he ever touched it again. He agreed and also decided to change his phone number so he had no access to any contact numbers. We had our baby and have gone on to get married and have another baby.
About 2 months ago DH was getting really stressed out with work and juggling home life. It was really affecting his mental health. He went to the pub with some mates and he ended up going back to a mates house and taking some cocaine. He tried to deny it the next morning but he was so distraught he ended up confessing.
I was devastated that he’d done it but I was genuinely concerned for his mental well being that I didn’t push too hard. I had my concerns that he now had access to a number and it was only a matter of time before he did it again.
Significant changes were made to his work to reduce his stress and I’ve taken on as much as I can at home.
So to tonight, we’re all at home and DH has been drinking for a few hours, both children were in bed and I was just going to bed. Our eldest woke up crying in pain. We dealt with it together and then DH shut our bedroom door right up and went downstairs. He never does this as I need to listen out for the youngest who still wakes during the night. I then hear the front door open. Thinking DH had ordered more beer, I went down stairs to remind him he had to get up early with the kids. Nope turns out he was leaving money in the porch and had text a dealer. I didn’t catch him in the act or anything, he could have easily lied to me and said it was more beers but he confessed. I looked through his phone and he had sent one text asking if they were about and they replied saying yes. So he hadn’t actually ordered it yet but I know him leaving the money out means he was just about to.
I’ve asked why, I’ve asked what he was thinking, I’ve asked him to explain but I got nothing. He has then decided he is going to leave tonight as it’s best for everyone. But I won’t let him leave as it pretty much guarantees he will end up taking something and I’ll just be worried about him all night.
We’re currently going in a loop of him saying he is going to leave and me emotionally blackmailing him to stay as it’s the only thing he’ll listen to. He finally sits back down then it all starts again 20mins later. I won’t go to sleep until he gives in falls asleep so I know he isn’t going anywhere.
I don’t know what to do. I want to support him but all he ever says to me is there is no reason he does it, you’ll never understand. I don’t want this in my children’s lives or mine but I also love him and don’t want my children to lose out on their dad. I don’t want our marriage to be over.
Does anyone have any words of advice?
OP I mean this in a gentle way but you seem quite naive about drugs. You won’t be able to stop him using it if he wants to, not for more than a night or two. It’s a pretty big leap to go from not having used for a year to ordering some to the house on his own. Do you really know the last time he took it?
He seems to have made his choice of the options you gave him at the start. Or have those options now changed?
OP I'm so sorry. He clearly needs help as hasn't taken enough (if any) positive action to deal with stress internally and still looks to external solutions. I personally think you need to end the relationship and let him work on himself. For everyone's sake.
My post wasn’t supposed to sound harsh or flippant - apologies if it came across that way. I don’t think there is much advice as such that people can give because there’s no way to get the outcome you really want. You just have the choice between him staying taking coke (possible as a badly disguised secret) or you split up.
No advice you get here will give you the magic bullet to make him stop.
Thing is, you never made it a dealbreaker and still are not. You told him it was over but went back, over and over again. So naturally he thinks/believes you'll let this lie because you always do.
Do NOT let him ANYWHERE NEAR the children. He needs to go.
@PacifyLulu no offence taken as you are 100% right. I am so naive about drugs, it’s just not something that was ever in my life before.
Having said that, whilst there could always be the odd occasion I don’t know about I am pretty confident he hasn’t been using regularly.
I don’t know if the options have now changed. I won’t tolerate him using but I also don’t want to separate from my husband.
He is an addict, you have dc.
You need to leave him and it doesn’t matter how much he begs and pleads. You have given him many chances.
I am so sorry OP. I think you know what you need to do, to protect your children, but it must be so hard to take that step.
Significant changes were made to his work to reduce his stress and I’ve taken on as much as I can at home
These are ridiculous reasons he is using to justify his actions. What do you mean you have taken on as much as you can at home? Did he used to do the majority?
I made him sweat about us but in the end gave him another chance on the condition he knew it would be the end of us and our life together as a family if he ever touched it again.
And since then he's done it at least once that you know about, and tried to do it again and barely even tried to hide it, and it's not over and he knows it's not. So why would he stop?
Sorry OP, but like a PP said, you want a magic solution and there isn't one. You didn't mean your ultimatum seriously, and he knows that now, so there's no reason for him to stop.
You’re all right. He has snuck out of the garage and gone.
He "went to a pub 2 months ago with mates"...how?
And you are also all right that I do want a magic solution. Can you blame me?
Using stress as an excuse is pitiful.
He is a cocaine user because he is a weak man.
Do you want to be with a weak man never knowing when he is going to succumb again?
Always wandering when he has a night out without you if he will be buying cocaine.
Seeing his phone and wanting to pick it up and go through his messages when he’s not around.
It’s a horrible life being constantly suspicious or in the look out.
Either he agrees to attending a drug rehabilitation programme or its over.
Personally, with the hindsight I have, you will end up wasting years of your life with him and there will be many more tears along the way if you stay with him.
Weak men like him find it very difficult to give up their addictions.
He needs to go, this is what addicts are like lm afraid (lm the child of an addict so l know exactly what they’re like). Before you know if he will come back, be sorry, cry, plead yadda yadda. Swear he will get help. Everything will be fine for a while. Well, appear it as least. Then money will disappear out of the joint account, there will be mysterious coming and going from the house. Unwarranted trips “to the shop” etc
You need to realise, fast, that you don’t have any options, he has taken them away. You only have one option left and you know what it is, stalling will only make it a lot worse in the end.
OP this problem is bigger than you and your husband. Drugs are at play, and it's going to turn everything you have known upside down. You obviously love your husband, and he loves you. The problem is love counts for very little when drugs are involved.
It's understandable that you don't want any part of this in your life, but sadly until your husband gets help, it's going to be a huge part of your life, and that's going to be tough.
Your husband needs professional help, without it, drugs will always be his 'go to'. You can't watch him every minute, and if he wants drugs he'll get them. No amount of emotional blackmail will work, he'll agree to anything and promise you the World to pacify you. It will happen time and time again. Sometimes in life we can't help people, they have to help themselves. Love simply isn't enough.
You are dealing with a situation that needs help from external professionals.
I hope you manage to access the help you need.
Trust me I’ve realised, gut wrenching though!
He needs to quit the alcohol too as it's a gateway..
Sorry you’re going through this
This has to have been happening for a while for him to have a dealers number in his phone already
But the worst of it for me, the absolutely unforgivable worst is that your child woke in pain - surely the immediate parental response is to partially be on standby in case the little one is poorly and you're needed. it's NOT to choose to take a substance that would make you useless to the child if needed. He saw your potentially vulnerable child and chose himself
@Imarriedanaddict my heart goes out to you. Lock him out and try and get some rest. In the morning try and confide in or contact a friend or relative for support.
If you want to save your relationship I would say he has to be clean and stay away until he is and has been for at least six months.
Good luck x