Managing ILs visiting new baby

[Pravi123]

I’m due my 4th baby in a few months. We have the ILs visiting as soon as it’s legal to do so and I know they are going to want to arrange their next visit to the new baby when it’s born. This has been a source of great stress each time I’ve had a baby.

There is too much history to set it all out. In a nutshell, MIL wants to ‘play mum’ to new babies and wants me to bugger off and leave her to it (impossible not to mention undesirable with a newborn). She is frail, and not someone I would leave unattended with a baby. She disagrees with car seats, sids advice and breastfeeding. She’s also wholly unrealistic in her expectations, for example, she got really upset when we declined her offer of ‘help’ when she asked us to send dc1 to stay with her for a week when he was 6 weeks old (without DH or me).

Each time we’ve had a baby they have visited for several days (staying overnight) towards the end of week one. I’ve had huge problems establishing breastfeeding with each baby and difficult deliveries and/or c section each time.

They live about 4 hours drive away and will be offended if we suggest a hotel rather than stay at ours. We have no guest bedroom. I will have a c section again with this one. How can DH phrase the news that they aren’t visiting in the first few weeks such that the boundary is clear and they don’t push it forward by a week (or two!) and arrive in week one like before? And so they don’t get offended (because they are prone to getting offended and that causes us grief).

In the past DH has tried to explain that I’ve had a difficult delivery or that the baby is not sleeping well and I’m tired and in pain and not ‘ready’ for visitors but their attitude is that they aren’t visiting me they are visiting him and the baby so I can just go back to bed and leave MIL to it.

Please don’t say I have a DH problem - we’re a good team and he’s brilliant, this is something we both find difficult (him in particular) and I want to help him get it right this time. We need a plan as to how to handle it so we are on the same page when the discussion comes up! Any suggestions welcome, also, any suggestions as to what is a reasonable visit and reasonable time are welcome too!

[Mintjulia]

Could you both go and stay with your mum for the first week?

Could you have your mum or sister to stay, to act as gatekeeper and to ensure there really is no room.

Your dh really needs to say No quite clearly to his parents. He needs to stop allowing them to bully you.

[Whythesadface]

You tell them that with the house now being so full of children, that if they come down they MUST book a room.
Do not bend on this.
No matter what they say, if they arrive, they will have to book a room or drive home.
Your husband just tells them he will not budge on this issue.

[romdowa]

Just say that unfortunately that doesn't suit us and continue to repeat that until she gets it. I wouldn't offer any explanation as that gives her a way to make excuses and argue with it. Let her get upset, last I checked getting upset wasnt life threatening.

[Justilou1]

Let them bloody be offended! Who cares???

[LoveSleeping]

They are probably going to be pissed off and try and ignore what you've asked them to do whatever you say to them so I would suggest your husband tells them sooner rather than later in a factual and non negotiable way eg

We are not able to have any visitors staying over after the birth- we don't have the room, x needs to recover and establish breastfeeding and we all need time as a family to bond with the baby.

Then tell them when they will be able to come and whether they will be allowed to stay at yours or need to book a hotel.

They sound utterly selfish descending on you and trying to take over like that.

[DinosaurDiana]

I’m afraid I upset my in-laws when my last child was born. I was sick of my children’s births somehow being made all about them. So I refused to let them visit me in hospital, and when they came for the first visit, baby was asleep in the basket. I didn’t get him out so they didn’t hold him until the next visit.
You really need to be firm. Be a lioness !

[JackieWeaverFever]

Literally do not tell them when the baby is born or pretend you are both still in hospital.
No one can tell the difference so just invite them at 4 weeks.
Also agree to have someone else there for week 1 and 2 (real or imagined)

I would also have new real or imagined guests arriving 4 days into the stay. (Ie you need to leave)

Off topic slightly : are they at all interested in your 3 other children now they are older?

[Justilou1]

Also, spell it out - you have FOUR CHILDREN. No room at the inn. Grandparents must stay at hotel or not at all.

[Wigglegiggle0520]

Surely your DH just needs to be more firm? Them staying and her caring for the baby is non negotiable. You don’t want or need help, you want to bond.
Agree with a PP that it needs to be spelt out now and very firmly.
Your DH needs to take control. There probably isn’t a ‘nice’ way to do it, he just needs to be clear and unfaltering

[Chatanooga1]

You are not responsible for anyone who chooses to feel offended by your standing up for yourselves.

Don’t wait for them to come up with a date that they want to come. Tell them the days that are suitable and that they won’t be able to stay in the house and will have to book a nearby air bnb/hotel etc.

If they get the hump and argue say matter of factly, “Well if that’s how you feel you don’t have to come.”

The put the phone down and do not engage in drawn out dialogue with them.

If they turn up on different days, draw the curtains and do not open the door.

If they turn up but say they haven’t booked anywhere you turn them away after they have visited for a few hours as they are NOT staying with you.

[Chatanooga1]

You and your husband are not being rude by standing up for yourselves against being bullied into things you don’t like or want.

[whenwillthemadnessend]

Repeat. That doesn't work for us and point them towards local hotel Every Single time

[Pravi123]

We just want to make it work with as little aggro or disharmony as possible. The mental load that comes with offending them is what puts me off being blunt about things. MIL is shameless and will try and make DH feel guilty.

My mum lives about 5 mins away and is a totally different character. She’s intuitive and wants to help us so she’ll probably do things like give the older kids a fun time / schools runs / my laundry / packing my dishwasher and other boring things without me asking. MIL’s ‘help’ is in the form of unsolicited advice to boost her own ego (which I’m supposed to gratefully receive and then follow) and playing mum to the baby while ignoring the older kids. However, the ILs will get quite cross if they think my parents are allowed to visit earlier or more frequently.

I want to suggest that they stay in a hotel but DH thinks that will go down like a lead balloon despite our lack of space. We’ve recently done an extension which didn’t include a guest room and that went down badly!

[Pravi123]

@JackieWeaverFever she is interested in the older kids, but mainly the youngest one, but she won’t pay any attention to the older ones once the new baby is here unless he’s asleep.

[AfterSchoolWorry]

@Justilou1

Let them bloody be offended! Who cares???

This.

[DinosaurDiana]

I’m not sure that DH should get a say re the hotel. It’s you that’s going to be worse off if they stay.
Might be time to put your foot down.
I told my DH that if he didn’t sort it out with his parents before the baby was born, I would 😉

[Pravi123]

If everyone thinks hotel stay is reasonable I might suggest to DH that he suggests that. We have two living rooms (one kid one and one more grown up one) and a sofa bed in the kids one which they’ll stay on when they come next but it means the place is a mess with their stuff / duvets etc and the kids want to get in there at the crack of dawn to get all their toys out etc.

[Gatehouse77]

What would the fall out be if you simply didn’t tell them when the baby was born or do they already know the date of your C-section?

How would they respond to ‘medical advice’ that under Covid restrictions you’re not allowed overnight visitors and the first week no visitors at all?

As frustrating as all the unsolicited advice is I’d let it go over my head with a polite ‘hmm, uh huh’ type reply. Noncommittal and vague rather than defensive and carry on as I see fit.

[Mintjulia]

Agree with @dinosaurdiana, time to put your foot down and put a stop to this nonsense.

Tell your dh that you'll take baby to your mum's and he can look after his parents and the others dcs.

[inappropriateraspberry]

No to the hotel idea. Tell them that you need longer to recover and don't want them visiting until x date. You have no room and need to establish feeding etc. Agree that if they get offended, so be it. It sounds like they will be whatever you suggest anyway.

[WildfirePonie]

Hotel, airbnb or nothing.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Who cares what they think/say.

[DenisetheMenace]

Tell them no, it’s not convenient. If they chose to be offended, that’s up to them.

[Amdone123]

I think you have to change your mindset on this and stop worrying about their feelings.
Sit down with your OH and work out what you both want ( and feel is best for your little family), then present to them. It's a fait accompli, no negotiating and if they don't like it, tough.
You are going to make yourself ill. My pnd 30 odd years ago stemmed from this type of interference.

[Janaih]

You do have a dh problem though. How on earth will the mental load of offending her be worse than the knots you are tying youself in here?
There's no magic solution, you have 2 options; put up with this or put a stop to it, which will be hard but will get easier every time you stand up to her.

Stop giving her excuses why she can't stay. Just keep repeating "sorry its not possible/convenient for us". Repeat as necessary till she gets the message.

[KinseyWinsey]

I'm afraid there will be aggro because you're dealing with totally unreasonable and selfish people who, unless they get exactly what they want, will sulk and create drama.

So bite the bullet. Make sure you get what you want and stop fretting about other people.

You're not being unreasonable or selfish. Just put your foot down. Enough is enough.

You'll be surprised how quickly bullies - and they are bullies - back down once you stand up to them directly.