Dd came out last night. Did I handle it correctly?

(18 Posts)
Queenofbeebers Fri 16-Apr-21 10:57:56

She is 14 next week, she came to my room and said she had something to tell me. She was crying quite a bit.

She said she thinks she is gay. I gave her a massive hug and told her that I was really proud of her and she should never be ashamed and should always be herself.

She said she was worried people would shout faggot at her when she walked down the street. I said if they do ignore them they are being hateful and you aren’t there to listen to their prejudices.

She doesn’t want to tell her dad, we aren’t together I said that it was up to her when she told him and it was up to her when she came out to the rest of the family.

I don’t want to force her and I don’t want her to feel like she has some dirty secret because it isn’t. Any advice?

OP’s posts: |
SarahAndQuack Fri 16-Apr-21 11:07:32

You sound absolutely lovely. FWIW I think your response was perfect.

I think I'd just very gently focus on lovely positive examples of women who like women when you're doing stuff with her. There's a nice fluffy romcom called Imagine Me and You that has a same-sex storyline, if you're the sort of mother/daughter that do things like watching films together.

Gilead Fri 16-Apr-21 12:05:56

Sounds like you handled things beautifully. 💐

Queenofbeebers Fri 16-Apr-21 13:07:22

Thank you. I have suspected for a while.

She told me this morning she knew I would be ok but worried about her dad. Again, I said if he doesn’t accept it that’s his prejudice not for you to deal with.

OP’s posts: |
IEat Fri 16-Apr-21 13:57:32

Will her not telling her dad cause her more stress? So year worry about things and it build up into a massive mess. But if we just buy the bulkier and addressed the issue ASAP we’d not time worrying about what may be said/done.

paralysedbyinertia Fri 16-Apr-21 14:03:29

Sounds like you did a good job, OP.

With regard to "coming out" to her dad and the rest of the family, I don't think she needs to do it at all, unless she actually wants to. Straight kids don't have to make any big announcement to "come out" as straight, so it shouldn't really be any different for your dd. Unless she particularly wants to share earlier, I think the time to tell family is the point at which she wants to introduce a girlfriend to them.

Sadly, there is still a lot of homophobic abuse in schools. I would encourage her to report any abuse if she is subjected to it. It absolutely isn't something that she should just have to put up with.

paralysedbyinertia Fri 16-Apr-21 14:06:33

Again, I said if he doesn’t accept it that’s his prejudice not for you to deal with.

You're absolutely right, of course, in saying that any prejudice would be his problem. Just be careful that you don't inadvertently appear to minimise the very real hurt that your dd may experience as a result of other people's prejudice. Of course, it isn't for her to deal with their hate, but you don't want it to seem like you're dismissive of how incredibly upsetting that might be for her.

Justilou1 Fri 16-Apr-21 14:14:53

She doesn’t ever need to come out to him if she doesn’t want to. It’s her call!!! You were magnificent! The good news is that she trusts you and her intuition told her that you’d be great anyway. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship. Going through similar although still with DH. (Awkward!)!

ginoclocksomewhere Fri 16-Apr-21 14:19:22

You sound like the best Mum 😊😊😊

Teapotsandtablecloths Fri 16-Apr-21 14:21:39

You handled it beautifully. I'm bi sexual and came out to my parents many moons ago and had a similar response as you gave. It still to this day warms my heart. So you will of smashed this. 100/10!

sashh Fri 16-Apr-21 14:27:41

You handled it perfectly.

Ask her if she wants you to talk to her dad? It might be easier for her.

Coffee2sugars Fri 16-Apr-21 14:38:56

You did great @queenofbeebers. My daughter did similar before Christmas, coming out as bisexual at 14. She has seemed much happier since. We have had one girlfriend since and now she is dating a trans boy so it's been a learning curve. I am so proud of her and the young independent woman she's becoming.

We stick with the saying "find someone who spoils your lipstick and not your mascara". If they are happy that's all you can hope for as a parent.

As an aside, you may want to consider telling your husband. The last thing you need is for him to inadvertently make a comment that could upset get if he has strong views and doesn't know. He loves her and will accept it even if it takes some time to get his head around it.

Coffee2sugars Fri 16-Apr-21 14:53:48

Obviously seek her consent to tell him first... Should have added that

Kaptain Fri 16-Apr-21 14:57:12

Sounds like you were a very supportive mum smile

We went through the same thing at the same age.

Like a PP suggested, I might ask her if she would like you to tell her dad for her. But definitely be lead by her in this.

Queenofbeebers Fri 16-Apr-21 15:30:06

I’m not with her dad, he can be a prick and minimise the way she feels, probably something along the lines of ‘well you don’t really know do you’ or just going through a phase type thing.

I will take her lead on it. I don’t want it to turn into a big thing. I can imagine him accusing me of making her gay. Given that everything is always my fault anyway.

OP’s posts: |
Maggiesfarm Fri 16-Apr-21 16:38:24

It sounds as though you handled it all very well.

Kaptain Fri 16-Apr-21 16:42:12

Queenofbeebers

I’m not with her dad, he can be a prick and minimise the way she feels, probably something along the lines of ‘well you don’t really know do you’ or just going through a phase type thing.

I will take her lead on it. I don’t want it to turn into a big thing. I can imagine him accusing me of making her gay. Given that everything is always my fault anyway.

Oh god, he sounds grim! Thank goodness she has you.

Tal45 Fri 16-Apr-21 16:57:53

I remember telling my mum the same, she said 'no you're not, you don't even know what it means' :-O and so began my rebellious phase....

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