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To be upset that my friend disciplined my ds

(147 Posts)
Winkle2020 Mon 01-Mar-21 02:10:23

So we have this friend of us who has a dd age 2 and my son aged 3. While playing my ds kissed her daughter in an affectionate way. My friend just screamed as if my ds has done something terribly wrong infront of other friends. And she also went on to discipline him infront of me. She then took her dd angrily upstairs and came back after a while. She looked upset and I could feel that she was struggling to even smile. I knew that she is over protective about her dd ( I am saying this because from certain instances like she not sending her to nursery, not taking her to parks infact never took her dd to any public parks fearing she would catch infection) , I mean myself and my husband are very laid back and we always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others. My ds kisses me his dad and his little sis a good night kiss everyday. I dont even know if this is something I should be worried and ask my ds to stop doing that to my friends dd, but I kind of dont like the way my friend reacted to this whole thing and it kinda upsetted me. I was embarrassed when she disciplined my ds and I really wanted to leave their house immediately. Am I at the wrong side ? Honestly I was telling my husband about this and said we should try and avoid going to their house for a while. Not linked to this issue but wanted to add, this is the same friend who was our support bubble 2 months ago when I gave birth to my dd. She straight out said no to look after my ds on the day of my delivery, telling me that it's not safe (she initially said ok to look after him, and changed her decision just 3 days before my delivery, so I had to find a childminder in that short span of time. Most of them were full and had no space for him and I even came to a decision to go through labor alone so that my dh can stay with ds). I never took her decision to heart and carried on to have a nice friendship with her. But what happened today is kinda triggering me in a way that I am starting to think, why should I let my ds down infront of these people. Please tell me if I am wrong and what I should be ideally doing.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Mon 01-Mar-21 02:17:24

I would be finding a new friend. She sounds batshit. Her reaction to a 3 year old kissing her daughter was absolutely bonkers.

FortunesFave Mon 01-Mar-21 02:20:13

She's obviously unwell with anxiety but I have to say, you should never teach your child to be affectionate to ANYONE but immediate family....

Affection is not the same as being kind or having good manners.

Never ask or tell your child to kiss others...not Aunts or Uncles or Grandparents either. It's for the child to decide on.

They have control of their body....and they should not kiss other children either.

When he starts school you will find this behaviour is discouraged as some children simply do not like it and friends don't kiss and hug excessively.

I think you should step back from this friendship though as your child does not deserve to be shouted at!

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 01-Mar-21 02:22:14

Her reaction was OTT. It's possible she has some childhood trauma she's working though.

I mean myself and my husband are very laid back and we always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others.

Teaching a child to be affectionate isn't something I'd do. They kiss if they want. Fine with family members who want to be kissed. But it's really important to teach that other people's bodies are their bodies and not to touch without permission. He's very little but consent is something you teach right the way through.

grassisjeweled Mon 01-Mar-21 02:27:53

As pp's said. Friend is way OTT but teach your son boundaries. I know he's only 3 and means no harm but teach him that before he's 10 and it might be misinterpreted.

nimbuscloud Mon 01-Mar-21 02:35:03

I agree that she sounds as if she is highly anxious and it may stem from childhood.
Apart from screaming at your ds what else did she do in front of you?

HoppingPavlova Mon 01-Mar-21 03:00:41

And she also went on to discipline him infront of me.

Exactly how did she do this?

I mean myself and my husband are very laid back and we always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others. My ds kisses me his dad and his little sis a good night kiss everyday. I dont even know if this is something I should be worried and ask my ds to stop doing that to my friends dd

How do you teach them to be affectionate? Is this by kissing? If so it’s extremely inappropriate and you are setting your kids up for failure. A lot of kids (rightly) won’t like this. I wouldn’t. This could result in your child being pushed and hit/kicked by another child reacting to their space and body being invaded in a way they don’t like and that’s understandable. It’s fine for your child to give yourself, husband and siblings a kiss if they feel like it and their siblings are okay with it. Not fine to go around planting kisses on other kids or adults. You need to teach your child proper boundaries.

Having said that the way your friend handled it seems batshit and I would cool the friendship.

emilyfrost Mon 01-Mar-21 03:07:53

There seems to be other issues going on with your friend so I would definitely cool that friendship.

However, your child should not be kissing others outside of their immediate nuclear family. You should not be teaching them to be affectionate; it doesn’t need to be taught.

It’s overstepping a boundary and is extremely inappropriate; it’s your job to teach your child to respect other people’s personal space and it has to start when they are little.

GeorgiaGirl52 Mon 01-Mar-21 03:38:25

Is she a germaphobe or did she see his actions as some kind of sexual assault?
How did she "discipline" him? Screaming at him or pulling him away from her DD? Did he seem traumatized by her actions or just confused?
Your husband is right. Better to keep you DS away from her precious DD and if you want to continue the friendship just do it as adults. (Personally I would not want to but it's your choice.)

TimeIhadaNameChange Mon 01-Mar-21 03:42:00

Maybe she's worried about Covid. Not unreasonable given the circumstances.

WineInTheWillows Mon 01-Mar-21 03:49:23

I'd have said something, OP. I'm not against others disciplining kids- it takes a village and all that- but you were right there so there was no need for her to take over as parent.

HeartOfInk Mon 01-Mar-21 06:16:47

I think she maybe overreacted. But she is not unreasonable to be upset. I have never known kids to kiss each other and at the moment it's especially unhygienic. You already said she's worried about COVID so it's not a surprise she would be upset at this.

You should not be letting your DS kiss other kids, COVID or no COVID. Teach him some boundaries.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 Mon 01-Mar-21 06:24:24

In any other time I’d be very confused by her reaction.

But actually now, whilst not ok to scream at a 3 year old kissing his friend as toddlers often do, it’s you I’m a little puzzled at.

Because surely this is about the pandemic and Covid? She doesn’t want her little one -and the rest of the family catching Covid. When you saw him going to kiss her you should have quickly intervened and distracted him and maybe gently found a kid way of explaining we can only kiss people we live with at the moment (though I appreciate this is hard).

She overreacted but it’s quite understandable. She’s terrified and you’re a bit too laid back. You need to strike a happy medium.

Bluntness100 Mon 01-Mar-21 06:27:16

Is this about Covid op? Is that why she felt it unsafe to look after your child? In case they passed it to the baby or vice versa? And why she got upset when your son kissed her daughter?

NameChangedForThisFeb21 Mon 01-Mar-21 06:31:54

Oh and also, it’s not the done thing to teach small children to kiss others. What do you mean by “we’ve always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others”? Please don’t force physical affection. There was nothing that made my skin crawl more as a child than being forced to kiss Uncle Brian and teenage cousin Paul etc to be “polite” and a “good girl” and I still hate it when friends force their toddlers to “give auntie NameChanged a kiss before she goes”. Affection should be child led, boundaried and safe.

jelly79 Mon 01-Mar-21 06:35:13

Screaming at your son is very unreasonable and you should of spoken to her about that at the time. Everything else is secondary IMO

Bluntness100 Mon 01-Mar-21 06:37:16

Yes I’m not sure about this one. Op if this is she’s really anxious about Covid, which it seems likely, then you need to respect that.

I am not sure you let your son down, we are in the midst of a global pandemic and people are anxious, to varying degrees. I don’t get why you were in her house though, unless it was the garden? Or you’re not in the uk?

Benjispruce2 Mon 01-Mar-21 06:43:12

Kissing right now is not to be encouraged obviously. Strange that you’d encourage that given the last year we have been in a pandemic. Children should be taught to be kind and responsible, not affectionate. They learn to show affection with their family.
But, her reaction was over the top. Things are heightened at the moment though so maybe have a chat with her about it.

Benjispruce2 Mon 01-Mar-21 06:43:40

* respectful not responsible

UsedUpUsername Mon 01-Mar-21 06:56:15

You have different values, it seems. Are you a local? I know other cultures are not as uptight as the Brits (I come from a different culture and just find people as chilly as the weather).

I’d back off, if she wants to put her child into isolation (wtf, no playgrounds even?!) then that’s her decision. But I wonder how she is ever going to be okay with letting her child be normal, even if COVID goes away (big if) there’s flu, meningitis, etc etc

FortunesFave Mon 01-Mar-21 06:57:08

NameChangedForThisFeb21

Oh and also, it’s not the done thing to teach small children to kiss others. What do you mean by “we’ve always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others”? Please don’t force physical affection. There was nothing that made my skin crawl more as a child than being forced to kiss Uncle Brian and teenage cousin Paul etc to be “polite” and a “good girl” and I still hate it when friends force their toddlers to “give auntie NameChanged a kiss before she goes”. Affection should be child led, boundaried and safe.

I deal with that by saying "you don't have to kiss anyone darling...let's have a high five!"

Amazing how many people say "Go and kiss Aunt Fortune goodbye" and similar. I don't particularly want your slobbery toddler's gob all over my cheek either bless them.

beckyyl Mon 01-Mar-21 07:03:59

TimeIhadaNameChange

Maybe she's worried about Covid. Not unreasonable given the circumstances.


Agree! I met my friend and her young toddler down the park last week and as we went to say bye she said to her child 'give x a kiss please' and I quickly had to intervene.

She absolutely shouldn't of screamed at your child but you shouldn't be letting your child kiss others with Covid about. My child is affectionate to others but I will absolutely not let him kiss anyone right now other than myself or husband.

hulahoopqueen Mon 01-Mar-21 07:12:21

I'm in the camp that teaching little ones to kiss others isn't great, and yes a high five when leaving is a good idea to avoid them becoming too comfortable kissing/hugging people they don't know.
That being said, changing her mind about being your bubble and leaving you to find childcare for during the birth just 3 days before (!!!) is not ok in my book - if she was going to be iffy about it she should never have agreed, and for you to have to birth alone, going against your wishes, is a really sad thing.
I would definitely distance myself from this "friendship" if I were you OP

stayathomer Mon 01-Mar-21 07:21:16

OP I might be confused but did you say she screamed and then went on to discipline your child? What discipline? Or did you say she screamed AT your child? In general I'm a bit surprised people on this thread are surprised at her reaction in a global pandemic!!!!!! (Not okay of course if she was extremely harsh on your child but if she said you cant give my child a kiss etc then fine)

Again: her not looking after your child on the day of your other child's birth, she probably changed her position because she was worried about covid?

I feel like I've stepped in to an alternate universe on this thread?! Someone saying she could be a germophobe? Are you for real?! I'm a bit of one myself!!

pictish Mon 01-Mar-21 07:23:50

I agree with keeping kissing for the immediate family but come on, he’s three. These things happen and the friend’s reaction was disproportionate. She sounds very anxious about Covid but it has left you feeling dreadful.
I think if this were me, I’d back off for the foreseeable...not contentiously but just given that her brittleness makes relaxing in her company hard. Perhaps she’ll come back down to earth when things start to return to normal.

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