So hurt for my daughter - do I say something?

(289 Posts)
SquarePeggyLeggy Sat 27-Feb-21 06:27:46

I am really upset and want to check it’s reasonable to say anything and if so what and when.
I don’t think my sister in law likes us all that much, but it’s always civil and not unpleasant, she just doesn’t pursue any relationship with me or closeness for the cousins really, but does always take me up on invitations. I feel kept at arms length by my brother too, but again, always comes anywhere they’re invited and stays in touch at least once a week. I tried to push a closer relationship, but it’s clear they don’t want that, so for the last several years, I just backed right off and am here if they need, rather than trying to be friends per se. The exception to this has always been my daughter and niece, they are 6 months apart. They are close and get on well, and we have my niece for sleepovers etc sometimes, they’ve got their own relationship going. We are always invited to their parties etc.
They are 8.
This year my brother told me his daughter didn’t want a party. She was going to catch up with “a couple of friends” one day, us the next, and then the grandparents the following weekend. I said: “we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”. He insisted that she’d asked to spend the day just with us, and “didn’t want a party”. It all felt weird, and like we were being ring fenced, I don’t know but convinced myself I was paranoid.
Cue today: SIL posts a bunch of pictures on Instagram, they’ve had a full on, pony ride party with a bunch of kids, has to be 30. Its a mix of their friends kids and school friends so it’s not just a school party, and anyway, they said there was no party?
It’s allowed here, btw.
We are supposed to have our catch up tomorrow and I just feel sick to my stomach. I felt they were leaving us out and this was our consolation to make us feel better, and I was right! For some reason they need to segregate us away from their friends and family. I have no idea what’s happened, and my daughter is 8! The girls haven’t had words, nothing like that, I’m so confused!
Do I say something? I just feel crushed for my daughter who thinks they’re besties. I don’t know how to act tomorrow! I want to cancel, but it’s not my niece’s fault! What do I do?

OP’s posts: |
aSofaNearYou Thu 04-Mar-21 11:24:00

RootyT00t

Sofa, it may be factually true but it's pretty unkind


You keep saying that but I really don't think it is. It's just the same as not wanting to bring your sibling along when you do things with friends. Sure, it can be disappointing for kids because they LIKE doing fun stuff, but it's not actually unkind and it's a natural part of growing up.

They may have wanted to start separating friends and family from the point the DD started properly making friends, but OP was always so keen to send her DD that they didn't know how to make the break and ended up lying. If people stopped thinking it's dreadfully unkind for their children to not be invited to things, regardless of the circumstances, then that sort of thing wouldn't end up happening.

RootyT00t Thu 04-Mar-21 11:13:52

Sofa, it may be factually true but it's pretty unkind

Sunisshining12 Thu 04-Mar-21 10:04:28

I would ask - didn’t realise you were having a party? Out of curiosity, why wasn’t DD invited, she would have loved it? Is there a problem as I’m feeling some distance or tensio?

He’s your Brother. Your Niece. Use your voice. Find out what’s going on.

No one on MN knows the ins & outs of it all, but if that happened to my DD & her cousin I would want to know why she wasn’t invited & why the lies.

Just communicate!

aSofaNearYou Thu 04-Mar-21 09:57:50

RootyT00t

I can see that point of view.

But OP and her daughter obviously want to be involved and I really don't see what the problem with that is.


Obviously the problem is the other side don't want that. They need to take the hint, otherwise they are just being pushy.

BritInAus Thu 04-Mar-21 02:09:25

WithMyOldCockLinnet

I would have the day with the two girls, and let them enjoy it, but separately say to your bother “that was nice, the girls had a good time, glad they could spend birthday time together. But why did you tell us there was no party when clearly there was? Why didn’t you just say? Has something happened that I don’t know about?”

Yes, this!

RootyT00t Wed 03-Mar-21 23:42:11

I can see that point of view.

But OP and her daughter obviously want to be involved and I really don't see what the problem with that is.

aSofaNearYou Wed 03-Mar-21 22:08:41

I didn't go to their parties, no, we met up separately as family.

RootyT00t Wed 03-Mar-21 20:01:36

aSofaNearYou

Well each to their own, but I think it's pretty stifling expectation to have of someone, to the point of being appalled that they don't include you in a totally different friendship group. It's perfectly reasonable for her to decide for herself how she manages the different areas of her life. I've never met any of my cousin's friends.

Right.

But I presume that you weren't excluded from every birthday party of theirs as a child?

aSofaNearYou Wed 03-Mar-21 19:53:24

Well each to their own, but I think it's pretty stifling expectation to have of someone, to the point of being appalled that they don't include you in a totally different friendship group. It's perfectly reasonable for her to decide for herself how she manages the different areas of her life. I've never met any of my cousin's friends.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously Wed 03-Mar-21 18:54:42

Agree Rooty

RootyT00t Wed 03-Mar-21 18:20:49

aSofaNearYou

So you think it isn't reasonable for the niece to choose whether she wants to integrate her with her friends, ever?

I think it's pretty appalling to tell your niece you're not having a party then have a party with loads of her friends. I think without good reason it's pretty awful to not invite her full stop.

I didn't say ever, though , did I? Neither did OP. But a yearly birthday party, yep , pretty awful.

Alcemeg Wed 03-Mar-21 18:20:49

"Having read your updates I wonder does he currently still owe you money?
Could it be he was embarrassed to be seen to be spending money on an obviously expensive party while still owing you money?"

I think Music... has a good point here.

aSofaNearYou Wed 03-Mar-21 18:19:37

So you think it isn't reasonable for the niece to choose whether she wants to integrate her with her friends, ever?

RootyT00t Wed 03-Mar-21 18:03:56

@VegetarianDeathCult

It isn't OP in the wrong here.

The brother and SIL are bang out of order on all counts. I don't know how anyone is making out she is unreasonable.

RootyT00t Wed 03-Mar-21 18:03:04

aSofaNearYou

*It's not about whether ' a child is invited to a party '. It's the fact her brother has deliberately excluded his own niece!*

Erm no it isn't. Most agree it's reasonable for her to be "excluded". If anything, it's the fact her brother lied to her.

No, it isn't reasonable for her to be excluded. I have no idea how anyone thinks that was.

But that wasn't my point. It was the post about 'a child'. She's hardly any child.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously Wed 03-Mar-21 15:47:39

Going against the grain but I don't think it was right of them not to invite the OP's DD. The girls are obviously close and unless there was a problem between the kids it's an obvious snub to not invite your niece. The lying just makes it worse. I don't think the OP has done anything wrong or been too pushy. To me it's normal to assume your child would be invited to their cousins party when they had always been the case and the girls are genuinely friends.

aSofaNearYou Wed 03-Mar-21 09:56:41

Oh I absolutely agree! I just meant that if anything was a cause for upset in the situation, it was the lie, not the idea of the DD not being invited. But personally I don't think either need to be a big drama.

SnuggyBuggy Wed 03-Mar-21 09:51:28

Sounds more like one of those men who isn't capable of communicating with his family rather than a lie.

VegetarianDeathCult Wed 03-Mar-21 09:49:57

aSofaNearYou

*It's not about whether ' a child is invited to a party '. It's the fact her brother has deliberately excluded his own niece!*

Erm no it isn't. Most agree it's reasonable for her to be "excluded". If anything, it's the fact her brother lied to her.

Well, from the OP's last update it seems like even that was possibly a misunderstanding or miscommunication, as the non-party snowballed may not have been planned in the way it turned out, so it does all sound like the original storm in a teacup, especially as the children's relationship seems to have remained one of mutual liking, which is surely the most important thing.

And honestly, if my sister responded this melodramatically to photographs on Instagram of a party to which she felt her child should have been invited, or had constructed some entire psychological warfare situation out of what sounds like a perfectly civil brother-sister relationship with weekly contact, I'd probably be 'managing' her too, for the sake of my own peace of mind. Maintaining a relationship between two little girl cousins who get on very well doesn't have to be this intense and dramatic.

aSofaNearYou Wed 03-Mar-21 09:29:29

It's not about whether ' a child is invited to a party '. It's the fact her brother has deliberately excluded his own niece!

Erm no it isn't. Most agree it's reasonable for her to be "excluded". If anything, it's the fact her brother lied to her.

RootyT00t Tue 02-Mar-21 20:33:34

BeeGeeTee

OP, you’re waaay over-involved here in whether or not a child is invited to a party, and it sounds as if your apparent desire to be friends with your less interested SIL is getting mixed up in the situation — notice you keep saying “leaving US out’, ‘segregating US away’. Children’s friendships fluctuate, too, but obviously don’t upset your DD if you think she’d be sad to have missed a party.

It's not about whether ' a child is invited to a party '.

It's the fact her brother has deliberately excluded his own niece!

SlothMumma Tue 02-Mar-21 20:30:48

Well done op, I think we all over think at times but I’m so glad you walked away from the meeting feeling more confident and settled on the issue smile

Porridgeoat Tue 02-Mar-21 18:44:39

Once a week is good contact wise

Fine for the child to have one day with your family and a separate party for school friends

MusicWithRocksIn1t Tue 02-Mar-21 18:21:22

Having read your updates I wonder does he currently still owe you money?
Could it be he was embarrassed to be seen to be spending money on an obviously expensive party while still owing you money?

SlothMumma Mon 01-Mar-21 19:34:01

I’d also be hurt. He lied about it , SIL’s family were all invited too. I would personally have to say to my brother but make it clear from now on you will take a step back and won’t be put in this position again. It’s hurtful and your daughter god forbid she finds out would be heart broken.

If I were you I would act Cool at the get together , if asked what’s wrong say nothing , that your fine. If you feel you want to say something I would say it to your brother , he’s the one that lied.

Similar thing happend to me , I’d just had my baby and a really close friend told me she wasn’t having a party for her child. I dropped gifts in and made a fuss , the cake was delivered whilst I was there... she insisted no party . Two days later photos were posted of a bouncy castle , the cake and all of our friends and their children. Supposedly I was a really good friend of hers and she valued our friendship . At the time I was so hurt and baffled at why I wasn’t invited , my baby was very young so wouldn’t have eaten or taken up much room but it would have done me the world of good to be around other mums and to have been included. When I told her that I was upset she told me she had forgotten to invite me ? She lied to my face and told me she wasn’t having a party . I get you , it’s awful but unlike you I chose not to let that person be in my life so she can’t hurt me like that again . Good luck . Protect yourself and your daughters feelings .

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