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Start using Mumsnet PremiumShould I respect my family's wishes?
(40 Posts)Not a TAAT but another thread got me thinking. I am divorced and have moved closer to my parents. My parents would in no way approve of me starting another relationship. I've tried to discuss this with them but they just act obtuse. I was saying how I am finding it hard to meet people (pre-pandemic) and they were trying to get me to do an activity that is 90% over 80s and I said I didn't want to do it and I was hoping to meet people who are under 80 and they were saying what is wrong with 80 year olds and accusing me of turning up my nose at the activity. Essentially saying I was ageist for wanting to meet people my own age.
I've been trying to meet someone with no success.
More and more I have been feeling that my time has passed. I have aged terribly over the last couple of years, physically rather than appearance. It has gently been suggested to me that finding another relationship is not likely to happen. My parents are elderly but still independent. They could still go on for years, my mother maybe for 20.
Should I just respect their wishes and stay alone?
No, of course not.
You can start a relationship (and make new friends too) at any age.
Ignore your parents!
Nope. Stop telling them your wishes and dreams. They want you single and available so that you can be their full time carer.
Your an adult. It's not their concern if you have a healthy consenting relationship. If you have a history of poor relationship choices then they might be concerned. Some elderly people get concerned that their children won't be able to carry out caring duties. Is that what is happening?
I think you should get some nice hobbies and develop friendships and things you enjoy.
There’s someone for everyone. Don’t expect to be alone for ever
Is there some reason they would think it’s a bad idea for you to be in a new relationship? It’s very strange of them and obviously it’s not up to them and you should do what you want!
What? Sorry that sounds madness. Honestly so many ppl feel the way you do, I have been single 9 years, but I sure as hell am not giving up!
Huh? Why?
I don’t see what you starting a new relationship has to do with your parents. Is there a cultural element to this? Are you now being pigeonholed as the single daughter whose job is to nurse her parents in old age? That would still require you to go along with it, of course.
What the fuck! Why do they want you to be alone? It's none of their business. Do not respect their wishes. You will, quite rightly, become resentful.
I think you should stop discussing it with them. The whole over 80’s activity/ageism argument was an argument you didn’t need to waste your breath on.
I think they think that because I am divorced it is a sign that I am not capable of being in a relationship. They know the circumstances of my divorce which were really beyond my control. I don't confide in them because they are quite formal. I think they have a sort of moral objection to me being in a relationship. They even offered to buy me a single bed!
The activities I am interested in are quite male-heavy and I think they think I want to do them just to pick up men rather than do the activity. I think they fear embarrassment locally from the thought of me sleeping around and they want me to be around for them.
Your parents want you to only meet people over 80??
I have long stopped being concerned with what my parents think. If they had it their way I'd never have been a mum, never have got married, never have done anything.
I don't even listen any more just change the subject.
What's it got to do with your parents?
It's none if their business who you have any type of relationship with. I'd just go out (when we can) meet new people, make new friends, try new activities, just see what happens in terms of a long term partner. Don't write yourself off, people get married in care homes in their 80s and 90s!
How old are you?
What was the activity? Find an activity or hobby you enjoy for itself. Don't fixate on finding another relationship.
Why do you think you need their approval to do these activities, make friends or be in any kind of relationship? You’re an adult. You get to decide.
Alternista
Your parents want you to only meet people over 80??
To be fair
Short life expectancy- a new relationship may put a risk on the heart-if you get through 3 a year you could be a millionaire pretty quickly.
Just marry before you do the deed.
The activity was doing jigsaws at a day centre!
It would be to get out and meet people generally. Not specifically to meet men.
They wanted you to do jigsaws at a day centre for elderly people?!
Tell them to go and do them themselves, if that's what they want!
How old are you, OP? What's the activity you enjoy?
My mum is the same, she grimaces and tuts if I mention wanting to meet someone. Despite the fact that 40 years ago she left my dad and promptly moved in with someone else...apparently now Im divorced, I should stay single. I know why, it is because she doesn't want me to be happy too busy to visit. It is entirely selfish.
They want me to be around for them
Yes, I thought that would be the case 
How old are you, OP, and are there cultural issues in play here?
Whatever the situation though, I'd recommend involving your parents much less in your personal decisions, hopefully keeping things loving and caring but with far fewer conversations about what you're up to in your private life
How is what you do with your time/activities/relationships any of their business?
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