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Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

(285 Posts)
istheresomethingwrongwithme Sun 14-Feb-21 12:21:23

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

OP’s posts: |
Reinventinganna Sun 14-Feb-21 12:23:41

You need new friends.

I’ve not once had any negative comments about having boys.

CaraDuneRedux Sun 14-Feb-21 12:23:54

As the mother to a DS (who is wonderful - thoughtful, caring and creative as well as sporty and adventurous and boisterous - bit like I would hope a daughter would have turned out if I'd had one), I can't say I've ever had this. At the risk of coming out with a MN cliche, the problem is not your DS, it's your friends. You need a better class of friends.

Bluntness100 Sun 14-Feb-21 12:25:00

I’ve heard lots of why are people so unkind about varieties on here, but this ones a first..

FruitLoopzz Sun 14-Feb-21 12:25:47

Hey, aw you do sound a little saddened by these comments and I think the more you hear them the more they are grating on you.

I would just say something affirmatively and let it be known how happy you are with your boys and that you don’t feel hard done by the next time!

I also don’t agree with the “girls are easier”, I have two girls and my second one is not easy, in fact she’s a little terror sometimes.

People talk out their arses sometimes OP x

Aroundtheworldin80moves Sun 14-Feb-21 12:27:25

You get similar comments about having all girls. Some people have very odd ideas about other people's children.

istheresomethingwrongwithme Sun 14-Feb-21 12:27:35

Really?! I thought I'd read heaps on here that women who have/are expecting a second DS receive all sorts of similar comments of presumed disappointment.

Maybe I imagined that, or maybe you're right and I need new friends.

OP’s posts: |
Shinyletsbebadguys Sun 14-Feb-21 12:28:21

I've heard this said on MN often but honestly I have two boys and haven't experienced it really. Maybe I did but have forgotten because honestly I couldn't care less. It's such an odd thing for anyone else to care whether I have two boys.

I find the assumption on MN sometimes that all males are inherently violent awful and dangerous annoying but I generally assume that those who wax lyrical about the dangers of anything male are just not particularly bright if I'm honest.

I have two boys and I love having them. I have never been desperate to have a girl to make up the balance so to speak. My DC are my DC . Boy or girl they were always going to be their own little people.

I saw on here this odd thing about a mother being worried about the mess and noise with boys and was just a bit confused , all DC , whatever they are are a bit noisy and messy sometimes.

Meh I honestly wouldn't pay any attention. In the nicest way it doesn't highlight a massive amount of intelligence or insight on the other persons part if they say these things. Just roll your eyes at them.

user1493413286 Sun 14-Feb-21 12:28:57

I find that an odd attitude; I’ve got a boy and a girl and so many people said ah now that’s you done with one of each. I’d already been quite open about not having any more and it really wouldn’t have mattered to me either way to have two girls or a boy and a girl so found that attitude odd.

MissyB1 Sun 14-Feb-21 12:29:17

I know what you mean OP, I have 3 boys and have experienced this kind of crap too. I call people out on it, don’t let them get away with it! If you are worried about seeming aggressive then try a breezy “Goodness do you still believe in stereotypes? That must hold your girls back, what a shame”.

unmarkedbythat Sun 14-Feb-21 12:29:43

I have three sons and people cannot get their weird heads around the fact that I am not prostate with grief over not having a daughter. They all assume ds3 was us trying for a girl.

LittleOverwhelmed Sun 14-Feb-21 12:30:09

To be completely honest, I think that you are over thinking it....

I am a mum of one boy: he is pretty full on, but I love him to bits and wouldn’t change him for the world. No more kids here, would have loved them, but it just didn’t happen (I am 47 now).

The generalisation is that “boys are harder to parent as young children, girls are harder to parent as teens” (boys are more physical and girls are more emotional). Many of my friends have backed this up, BUT it is a generalist and just that. Children are individuals.

DS has always been relatively straight forward emotionally and I have been very lucky. Ok, a child that would sit still and colour might be easier, but where is the fun in that. He is amazingly affectionate and sweet (even at 11!).

Like most things: smile, nod and ignore. Your friends are probably just making conversation, joking and teasing... If they aren’t - and they are being mean - look for new friends wink

IdesMarchof Sun 14-Feb-21 12:30:23

I’ve heard these comments. Often when people have a second ds. It’s all crap obviously so try to ignore.

Sadly stems from stereotypes about both how boys and girls are. We have lots of cousins for our dc - mix of boys and girls and it’s quite clear boys and girls are both equally fantastic.

Best to try to remember those saying this are idiots. Oh and enjoy your own lovely boys flowers

unmarkedbythat Sun 14-Feb-21 12:30:33

Prostrate, even! blush

MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat Sun 14-Feb-21 12:31:04

People say all sorts of shit don't they?

I've been told I'm lucky for having girls because "they're easy" but this is often followed with "but wait for the teenage years" (with a knowing chuckle). So clearly being stuck at home with 4 under 9 is piss easy and a privelege beyond measure because they have vaginas, and if I'm finding lockdown hard working while parenting with girls then I'm clearly pathetic and will be totally flummoxed when they hit puberty.

I've also been told my partner must resent me. I just reply well actually it's the sperm which determines the sex of the baby since I only have an X chromosome option...

Boys are lovely OP and your two sound particularly so flowers

RubyFakeLips Sun 14-Feb-21 12:31:08

I have four boys one girl. I suppose people do make comments, but don’t take them to heart. I don’t think it’s that they’re being intentionally horrible to you because you have sons.

Just say “oh I love having boys” and move on.

My experience is boys and girls are different but not easier, or at least they are each easier at different times. My mum had an even split of boys and girls, always said she wanted toddler girls and teenage boys.

MaliceOrgan Sun 14-Feb-21 12:31:29

You definitely need new friends

PaperMonster Sun 14-Feb-21 12:31:37

Wow. Never heard anything like that! Although I have heard one mum saying she was glad she hadn’t had girls as she wouldn’t know what to do with them. It stuck with me cos I thought it a bit odd and made me wonder if she’d really been hoping for a girl.

kirktonhouse Sun 14-Feb-21 12:32:13

I have two boys and absolutely no experience of any negativity other than from a couple of male aquaintences that said they 'only have girls'. Works both ways.

nicknamehelp Sun 14-Feb-21 12:33:43

I was made to feel like ds was the booby prize and all those around me who had dd had won the lottery when expecting dd, didn't know what she was, people asked if I was hoping for a dd and would I cope with 2 ds. One who knew she was expecting dd said to me she was glad as there areno nice boy names! Yes ds as a toddler was more full on than dd as he just loved to climb and couldn't sit still but I love him to bits and would of been just as happy with another ds.

Shehasadiamondinthesky Sun 14-Feb-21 12:34:02

I think it's just plain weird, I was brought up abroad and if you didn't have boys you were pretty much usless as a wife, they had no time for girl children.
Here it seems to be all about the girls. I just don't get it.
I wanted only one child and if possible a boy as I had lots of sisters and wanted a change. I did have a boy and was very happy but I'd have been happy with either.

ThursdayLastWeek Sun 14-Feb-21 12:34:23

These comments definitely happen. My own mum asked me if I was going to try again for a girl as I was in hospital after the birth of my second DS.

Obviously, she would brush it off as joking.

I think it’s just a reflection of the expectations/gender stereotypes some people still have.

HastingsSpoon Sun 14-Feb-21 12:35:21

Yep, three boys. Luckily not too many comments (thank-you lockdown!).
I did experience gender disappointed with my third (yes I know it’s sex not gender), so it cut like a knife tbh. I love my boys more than anything though so I push the comments to the back of my mind, but I do find people feel ‘sorry’ for me having three boys. But I think it’s the same for those having three girls, they probably get comments too?!

My cousin is having a girl after a boy & messaged me “oh I can’t believe I’m having a girl, I don’t know what to do. What if she turns out to be a little madam” so I reluctantly assured her that it’s about personality, not sex, and I’m sure she’ll be fine hmm

MsTSwift Sun 14-Feb-21 12:35:51

I have had abit of weirdness from mums of boys about girls too (I just have 2 girls). One said girls are all “bitches” 🙄 and mothers of sons who are otherwise sensible seem quick to emphasise gender differences.

ThePlantsitter Sun 14-Feb-21 12:36:01

You get the same if you have girls OP. People just talk don't they.

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