Irritated by DH, AIBU?

[AmIBoredorAmICrackers]

Not a windup but genuinely asking if this is normal for relationships after many years (and in a bloody pandemic!) or if this might signify something amiss.

I do love DH and we get on quite well, communicate well, etc. Been together ten years now and felt silly in love for most of that time, despite several hardships and challenges (RPL, IVF). Happily now have a healthy DD who is 18 months and love her to bits.

I work out of the home (nurse-key worker) and DH has been home since March (WFH, not furlough). We are obviously very fortunate to both have jobs and be healthy. But. He literally doesn’t leave the house except for the occasional nursery run or weekend walk with me and DD. His office opened briefly in August and he was gone a few days but otherwise has been at home since March. I love him to bits but find he’s getting on my nerves sometimes. Long, greasy hair and stained pyjama pants every day aren’t the most romantic (I’m not glamourous myself of course) and we’re almost too familiar now (never been especially uptight about bodily functions but feel like I’m at a boys club with the wind and humor DH makes of it.) Nothing serious but just that sort of thing. On the bright side, I love him and we laugh so much together and he is so supportive (critical care nurse has been such a stressful job this past year) and he is a lovely father to our Dd.

But DH took DD out this morning to nursery and I just felt such a sense of relief to be home alone and have space from him. I also realise I’m also happy to have a few minutes alone in bed after putting DD down for the night whilst he’s downstairs doing the washing up or looking through his phone. Then we’ll sit together and watch something on Telly and have a cuddle and we both enjoy that.

But. Sometimes also when we have sex I’ll briefly have a thought of another person (perhaps a celebrity or someone especially fit I’ve seen at work that day (staff not patient, and not someone I know or chat with-just someone who catches your eye.) I then immediately feel guilty and can’t enjoy sex anymore.

Does this seem normal for a relationship gone on ten years or is it a warning signs that things might not be going well? I would appreciate any thoughts or experience that you can share. Feeling quite rubbish about this and generally speak to DH about things, but don’t feel I can bring this up with him right now. Xx

[FedUpAtHomeTroels]

The greasy hair and stained PJ's would put me off. Have you told him he's letting himself go and looks a mess. I'd want to know if I'd gone down that rabbit hole. It sounds grim.

[ParadiseIsland]

It sounds like you are struggling with being in the top of each other everyday. Like a lot if people really.

And like a lot of people te drive to wash hihan, get dressed etc.. just isn’t there when you don’t/can’t go out.

I wouldn’t see that as an issue. But you might want to have a word with him re getting dresssed/have a shower/wash hair.
It’s important for his own MH too.

[AmIBoredorAmICrackers]

Thank you both. Yes he does wash every couple of days but has an oily skin type plus hasn’t had a haircut since before the lockdown so his hair is all scraggly and greasy. He also sort of teases me by running the back through his fingers (vom!)

I have seen so many people die this year and so many families fall apart that I feel guilty and petty for even bringing this up. But at the same time I don’t want to feel so irritated by my own DH

[DoubleHelix79]

I'd say you're doing well, considering you have a young child and are stuck in lockdown. I've been with DH a similar length of time and certainly enjoy time on my own (especially at the moment). Being mildly put off by some of your partner's habits is also quite normal I think. I'd be surprised if there were many couples who like everything about their partner. Not a reason not to gently mention the lapsed hygienic standards though.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

I'd say it's lockdown.
It's an unnatural situation to be in.
I regularly talk to MIL on the phone for sanity, and she informs me that despite being married almost 60 years, she has never spent so much time with her DH and it's hard going.

[Cauterize]

None of this is a huge deal, it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship! Yes he’s turned into a bit of a slob, I’ve been working from home the past yr and I’ve definitely let myself go. I think this is normal, a lot of people WFH are probably looking ropey at the moment. I don’t see any reason why you can’t broach it with him though? I often wear the same stained pair of joggers for longer than I should. I wouldn’t be offended if my husband said something, I’d probably agree.

Re fantasising about other people, don’t worry about that either! I do it, I’m sure a lot of people do.

[AmIBoredorAmICrackers]

Thank you for the reassurance. Yes I’ve bought him new pyjamas and joggers but with a toddler they don’t stay clean for log. And he won’t let me cut the greasy mop on his head (after a pretty hideous cut from me this summer, fair enough). So ireckon im just picking at things and feeling a bit claustrophobic.

Glad to hear that no one thinks these are alarming issues. Thanks again for the support mummies